


Arthur, This Is Wrong

by Splashstorm



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Dark Arthur, Denial, Graphic Rape, Humiliation, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Very Dark Fic, attempted suicide, but very little physical violence, due to psychological trauma merlin is sometimes an unreliable narrator, extreme denial, reverting back to childhood behaviors, the one where merlin is emotionally stunted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-02-28 16:56:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 45,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2740010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Splashstorm/pseuds/Splashstorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When 8 year old Merlin is given as a sex slave to an unwilling 13 year old Prince Arthur, Merlin thinks it's not so bad, since Arthur is kind and only uses him when he absolutely has to. However, when Arthur gets a little older, something changes in him, and the Prince can no longer hold himself back from using Merlin as often as possible. </p><p>Through it all, a confused, terrified, and emotionally stunted Merlin struggles to come to terms with his (very extreme) internalized homophobia when he discovers that he is continuously aroused by what Arthur, who is also his best friend, forces upon him. Loving Arthur too much to hate him, Merlin focuses the hate and rage on to himself, at the same time also denying to himself that he has any romantic feelings for Arthur at all. </p><p>(Please look at both my notes & tags to fully understand the story.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Arthur, This Is Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> I hesitate to give labels, but I felt it was important to point out that in this fic, Merlin is somewhere along the lines of an asexual/demisexual/???, where he can only be aroused by Arthur and virtually no one else (which adds to his self-hate and confusion).
> 
> Also there are schools in this Camelot. 
> 
> WARNINGS:  
> Along with an attempted suicide, this fic has A LOT OF NON-CON.  
> If it's going to be triggering, please do not read. 
> 
> This fic was a late-night Merthur daydream I had that I just had to write down. I started it about 10 months ago (in February) and I was close to publishing it in August, but my computer crashed and erased all my last-minute edits. That frustrated me to no end, so I held off on re-editing for an extra 4 months, but re-edit I finally did, so here it is! Lots of thanks goes to Superwholock3 for helping to beta. It couldn't have been easy, so Cassie, thank you SO MUCH! :') 
> 
> Everyone, enjoy the fic! <3

Merlin was eight when it happened.

Uther had nearly cleansed the kingdom of magic, even executing all dragonlords and their families. However, because Balinor had been his favorite comrade and most trusted advisor, Balinor alone was pardoned.

Under one condition.

The ex-dragonlord must give his only son over to Uther’s son, thirteen year old Prince Arthur, as retribution. Refusal would mean immediate death for him and his family.

When it was officially announced that the young prince was to take Merlin at least once a day (for as long as Uther saw fit), Prince Arthur had stared straight ahead, jaw set tightly and his brows furrowed. Normally bright blue eyes darkened over with fury as he stubbornly refused to look at anyone.

He didn’t want this. He’d fought his father, tooth and nail. _This punishment is cruel,_ he’d said. _There has to be a different option._

Like always, Uther got his way in the end.

So be it. When _he_ was king, things would change.  

Merlin and his family were immediately moved into the castle for Prince Arthur’s convenience. Too soon came evening, and along with it the hard rapping of a royal guard at their door. Merlin was so terrified he was sure his heart had stopped.

The guard didn’t wait to be let in. Instead, he flung the door open and tore Merlin, kicking and screaming, out of his new home. Even in the chaos of flying limbs and tear-blurred vision, Merlin noticed his mother was sobbing, a hand over her mouth as she gripped his father’s arm. He half-hoped his parents would do something last minute to save him, attack the guard, call on an ancient dragon they had somehow kept hidden just for this very circumstance-- anything, to free him from his terrible fate. Reality hit him like a brick wall when they did nothing, only stood by as he was ripped away.  

The guard dragged him to the darkest corners of the castle. They eventually reached a place that looked like a giant supply room of some sort. The room was completely dark, the only light coming from the halls.

Before Merlin could really make sense of his surroundings, he was tossed into a large cage and immediately locked in.

“Let me out!” he grabbed at the metal bars as he kneeled in the straw bedding. _“Please!”_ Merlin's voice was laced with panic and desperation. Somewhere deep inside, he knew this was a lost cause, but he had to at least _try_. The guard merely ducked his head, with what looked like shame, and hurried out.

He continued to grasp at the cage bars and watched hopelessly until the retreating guard disappeared completely from his vision.

Cautiously, Merlin slid to the far corner of the cage, the part furthest from the light. There, he committed to making himself as small as possible. Maybe if he did that and stayed as quiet as a mouse, the older boy wouldn’t see him and would leave and that would be the end of that. He shivered quietly.

It must have been well over an hour when Merlin began to think that perhaps the Prince really had forgotten all about him. Surely an extremely spoiled, teenage royal Prince had better things to do than spend any of his free time with a little boy? Besides, what the king wanted Arthur to do was... gross. And to another boy? What boy would want to touch another boy like that? Merlin couldn’t help thinking how wrong that was, how wrong it all was, and it revolted him.

He thanked his lucky stars as more time went on and there was still no sign of Arthur. Slowly, he began to doze off.

Merlin was awoken by a clinking noise. He opened his eyes slowly, and then remembered where he was and immediately felt like vomiting.

It seemed Arthur had come after all.

As he worked at the lock to the cage, Arthur refused to look at him, almost like he was trying not to acknowledge Merlin at all. For just a moment, Merlin had time to hope that the lock would jam, but he had no such luck. Arthur opened the door and stepped into the cage, which was tall enough that he could’ve walked if he’d stooped, but he instead crawled slowly towards Merlin.

“P-please don’t,” Merlin whimpered, curling in on himself. Unwanted tears were already pricking at the corners of his eyes. Despite the prince still desperately avoiding eye contact, he seemed to notice them too, and winced.

“Turn around,” Arthur murmured softly.

Shakily, Merlin did as he was told, also reluctantly getting on his hands and knees. Hanging his head, he sobbed quietly. He’d told himself he would be brave like his father and not cry, chanted it so many times in his head, but when the moment finally came, all his resolve washed away, just like waves on a beach.

Merlin heard the shuffling of clothes, and then he felt Arthur’s large hands on his trousers. When Arthur pulled them down, Merlin whimpered again.

“You don’t have to do this,” he tried again, terrified and trembling hard now. He felt his heart beating faster than it ever had in his life.

Arthur ignored him, and Merlin could hear the Prince spit into his hands. Merlin didn’t have the slightest clue as to why Arthur needed to spit on himself, but he didn’t have much time to think about it, because then Arthur grabbed his bony hips and thrust into him.

Merlin screamed, lurching forward in shock and choking on his sob. Arthur’s teenage cock was absolutely huge in his arse. He’d never been in so much pain.

Merlin sobbed loudly into the straw as Arthur thrust in and out, again and again. His young body soon went numb with pain, and he went slack in Arthur’s solid arms.

After a few minutes of this, Arthur finally shuddered and came. The Prince’s fluids, along with blood, dripped down Merlin’s arse as he pulled out. Before Merlin even came to terms with the fact that it was really over, Arthur was gone. Merlin thought he’d heard running, but he couldn’t have been sure.

He hadn’t stopped crying, and he was shaking harder than before. That had felt like the longest few minutes of his life. He’d have to endure _that_  forever? Breaking into more sobs, everything soon went black as Merlin slumped into the straw, unconscious.

Day after day, at exactly the same time each day, Merlin was taken to the cage. Arthur would come in, have sex with him as fast as possible, and then leave. Arthur never really said anything to him, and Merlin was always in pain. He’d heard that sex between two boys could be pleasurable if one of the boys hit a certain spot, but Arthur never bothered to find it. Arthur just seemed disgusted with everything, almost as disgusted as Merlin was. For the Prince, it was simply: get it done, get _out._

Merlin found himself limping a lot, and his arse was always sore. He was able to use his magic to take away some of the pain, but he knew if he took away too much, Uther or someone else would get suspicious and out him as a sorcerer. The thought always left him petrified. It wasn’t just his life at stake, but his parents’ as well.

Despite the physical and emotional trauma, Merlin knew he’d gotten lucky with Arthur. Arthur could have had him as much and as long as he wanted, but the Prince only took him once a day, and quickly. Also, Arthur never reprimanded him for crying or screaming (which he did all the time). Arthur was gentle, and when he did speak, he spoke softly to Merlin.

By the time Merlin was ten, other boys at his school were already chasing after girls, but he found that he wasn’t interested in any of it. Anything that even had remotely to do with girls and crushes turned him off, because it only served to remind him of his ordeal. Talk of kissing and touching especially sickened him.

One night, Merlin was just about to fall asleep when he heard his father enter his room. Rubbing at his eyes, Merlin sat up.

“Father?”

Balinor settled at the edge of his bed, and Merlin noticed he was carrying something. On closer inspection, Merlin could see that it was a jug, which his father promptly handed over.

“Uther has stated that he would not allow the use of oil for you, but I can’t stand to see you limping all the time. This will make penetration considerably less painful.”

Merlin’s eyes went wide. “Father, I can’t! What would happen if we were caught?”

“Damn the consequences, Merlin! If Uther finds this, I will take full blame! With what that _tyrant_ has done to you, I am ready for any punishment he can dole out. This is the least I can do. I haven’t been able to protect you like a proper father. You don’t deserve any of this. What is happening to you is on me, and if I can help you in any way, I must.”

Merlin shook his head, taking his father’s arm in his hand. “No, father, you shouldn’t blame yourself. I’m happy to do this, if it means our family will be safe.” The lie stung in his throat, but Merlin swallowed it down. He certainly wasn’t _happy_ with it, and he never would be, but he would do anything for his mum and dad.

Balinor broke and wrapped Merlin into a long, all-encompassing hug.

“You always have been such a selfless boy,” he muttered, pulling away. “I’m very proud of you, son. And if Prince Arthur really is as you say, I’m certain he would agree to the use of oil as well.”

Merlin nodded. If anyone knew the pain he went through, it was definitely Arthur. No one else heard his shrieks and sobs when he was in that dreadful, isolated room, or felt his shaking body as he shuddered in pain. No one knew his daily suffering like Arthur did.

“You have a lot of faith in him,” Merlin observed.

Balinor smiled. “Kilgharrah told me you two are two sides of the same coin.”

“What does that mean?” Merlin cocked his head.

“I’m not exactly sure,” Balinor said as he began to get up. “But I assume if Prince Arthur is anything like you, it could only be a good thing.”

Very early the next morning, before anyone else was awake, Merlin snuck down to the supply room. He saw the cold steel cage, and it sent shivers down his spine. Hurrying over to it, Merlin set the jug of oil close by, moving a few supplies over to hide it better.

That evening, as Merlin waited in the cage for Arthur, for the first time in two years he felt a little optimism. Maybe, just maybe, doing… _“it,”_ finally wouldn’t hurt so bad. Merlin wasn’t as small as he used to be, but at fifteen years, Arthur was growing at an incredible rate, so everything about their bodies was still as unbalanced as ever.

Anxiously, he realized that this could easily all go to shit. What if Arthur refused to use the oil? Or worse, had his father beheaded for obtaining it in the first place? Merlin shook his head. He didn’t want to think about all that.

Instead, Merlin pondered the fact that Arthur was never on time. It was pretty obvious the Prince tried to put it off for as long as possible. One time, Arthur had kept Merlin waiting in the cage for well over half the night. “Was hunting,” he had muttered when he’d finally arrived. Their eyes met briefly in that moment, and a mutual understanding passed between them.

Merlin was always grateful for Arthur’s kind heart. If only he’d have the courage to stand up to his father and refuse to take Merlin at all, but in that case Uther would only give him to a different master, and Merlin didn’t even want to imagine how _that_ would go.

His head had drooping drowsily as he reflected on all this, but it shot up immediately when Arthur finally walked into the room. Merlin watched the young prince with wary but hopeful eyes. Once Arthur got the cage open, Merlin scrambled up, crouching on all fours. “Wait, Arthur.” Arthur’s eyes widened in surprise, and Merlin was so scared he nearly choked. “I-- I brought something.”

There was a pause, like Arthur still couldn’t quite believe Merlin was actually speaking to him like this, and Merlin wasted no time in pointing to the jug. “C-can we use that? Please? It would be a lot easier on me, and, and--”

“Yes.” The prince sucked in a deep breath. “Yes, of course we can,” he said, more slowly.

Merlin nodded, relief making him dizzy. “Thank you so much,” he whispered, nearly sagging. “Really, you don’t know what this means to me.”

Arthur smiled at him, and something warm blossomed in Merlin’s chest. He smiled back, holding Arthur’s gaze, until finally the Prince looked away and went to take the jug.

Wordlessly, Arthur crawled back into the cage. With each second that passed, Arthur was getting closer to Merlin, and Merlin’s heart thudded terribly in his chest. Even with the oil, he was still _terrified_. Merlin shivered and drew his limbs closer to his body.

When Arthur came up next to him, Merlin found, like so many other times, that he was acutely aware of Arthur’s body. The sound of his soft breathing, the rustle of his clothes as he shifted, the feel of an arm or a leg brushing up against him.

Merlin quietly inhaled, taking in Arthur’s scent. There was something about that scent that was so completely _Arthur_. Merlin wanted to bury his face in Arthur’s neck and just breathe him in. And, something about those brilliant blue eyes, so soft, made Merlin want to look into them and never look away again.

Arthur, in the process of unbuckling his belt, caught him staring and blushed. Merlin smiled in return, wondering how such a beautiful boy could be bashful at all. He knew that he himself would never look like that. He was an ugly, gangly little thing-- arms and legs sticking up all over the place, ears far too big for his head, skinny as a twig. He would never look as utterly beautiful as his prince.

When Arthur unlaced his trousers, Merlin gasped quietly and looked away. He berated himself for being so lost in thought he very nearly caught a glimpse of Arthur’s cock. He’d never seen it before and he didn’t ever want to.  

A moment later, Merlin heard a mumbled, “Okay,” which was his cue to undo his own trousers. Like always, Merlin faced away from Arthur, and he wished fervently that he could be anywhere but here.

After a moment or two, Merlin felt an oily, dripping finger at his hole. He clenched up immediately. Besides the oil, this was all new. Arthur had never thought to stretch him before sex until now.

“Relax,” the older boy murmured. Merlin tried his best to, forcing his muscles to open for Arthur as he gritted his teeth in effort. Unfortunately, years of conditioning had taught his body to expect only pain from this act, and so he barely succeeded in doing what Arthur had told him to do.

Despite this, Arthur did manage to inch his finger in eventually, and Merlin shifted. Fingering wasn’t nearly as painful as sex. After Arthur moved his finger around a little longer, he put in a second finger. He moved both of them in and out, then in a scissor-like motion. Finally he put in a third finger. This wasn’t so bad. Merlin only wished Arthur had thought to stretch him sooner.

Finally Arthur pulled his fingers out, and Merlin could feel the other boy’s large cock at his entrance. Merlin stiffened and clenched his hole again. “It’s okay,” Arthur whispered in his ear. Arthur patiently stroked his side until he was calm enough to slowly unclench his muscles, and then Arthur pushed inside. The old pain came shooting back, partly due to the fact that his hole was always sore, and so Merlin screamed in pain, falling on his face into his arms.

Arthur didn’t stop thrusting.

He hadn’t always been this way, but lately, once Arthur got in, it was like he turned into a different person. Arthur never moaned or whispered dirty things (certainly _not)_ , but Merlin had been terribly confused when he first noticed the change. Somewhere along the way, the kind Prince had begun to enjoy this. Merlin could tell he did in the way he bucked and thrust desperately and shook when he came.

When he talked to Gaius about this odd phenomenon, his uncle had said that it was Arthur’s teenaged body responding, not Arthur. That left Merlin even more confused than before, but he decided to let it go. How one could enjoy this was beyond him, but Merlin didn’t mind that Arthur did, because away from sex, the Prince was just as stoic and disgusted about the situation as ever.

As Arthur continued his thrusting, Merlin realized with glee that the original shooting pain was actually starting to subside. The oil really did work!

After Arthur came, he slid out and pulled his trousers back on, grabbing ahold of the jug. “I should take this,” he said. His voice was hoarse and strangely husky, lower than Merlin’s ever heard it. “I’ll bring it with me tomorrow.”

The Prince’s heated gaze seemed to scorch his own as he only nodded. Then Merlin watched as Arthur, like all the times before, turned on his heels and exited the room as fast as possible.

Three years passed.

Just as Merlin became a teenager, Arthur became a man.  

Throughout the years, the oil had helped considerably, so though he still never liked sex, it was tolerable now. Merlin felt they could have continued their routine peacefully like this, but of course Arthur had to go and mess everything up.

Merlin was in class the first time it happened.

A royal guard came in, walked to the front of the classroom, and whispered something to Merlin’s teacher. She shot him a pitying glance, and Merlin shuffled nervously in his seat. What was it _now?_

“Merlin, dear, go with this man. It seems you have business to attend to.” Her voice was unusually shrill, a hint of a crack right under the surface.  

Merlin felt his stomach lurch. He shakily grabbed his things and followed the guard outside.

“What is it?” he asked, trying hard to keep his voice steady. Had someone finally discovered the oil? Or had they figured out he was a sorcerer?  

The guard coughed uncomfortably, continuing to stare straight ahead. “Prince Arthur... seeks your presence.”

Merlin’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. Now _this_ was unexpected. Of all things, he never would have guessed. Arthur never spoke to him outside of sex unless he absolutely had to. Hell, even during sex Arthur barely spoke to him. They avoided talking to each other worse than the plague. What could Arthur possibly want with him at this time of day?

Merlin’s surprise increased drastically when he was led down the usually empty, hauntingly familiar corridor that led to his cage. This couldn’t be right. His.. _session_ , wasn’t until later in the evening (Arthur insisted Merlin not be pulled out during school, and definitely not before he had had his dinner). Surely Arthur just wanted to talk? But why here?

The guard promptly clicked open the lock on the cage and stepped aside to allow Merlin in. Then the man snapped the padlock shut again and left Merlin to his own thoughts.

Arthur arrived much sooner than he usually would have. Like always, Merlin sat in the far corner of the cage, but this time he didn’t know what to expect. What was so important that Arthur had to pull him out of school?

When Arthur stepped into the cage, Merlin finally looked up at him. To his surprise, Arthur was holding the jug of oil.

_Oh._

Arthur must have been forced to make a schedule change for the day.

The Prince kept his eyes down as he began to untie his breeches. Merlin looked away and began to undo his own. Arthur prepared him quickly and efficiently, both of them knowing exactly what to do.

Arthur slipped into him and Merlin stiffened. No matter how long they’d been doing this or how much he had come to respect Arthur, Merlin never got used to this intrusion. And besides, they were both men. This wasn’t right.

Arthur thrust and bucked into him, and Merlin shut his eyes and bore it. There was no use trying to pretend he was anywhere but here. With Arthur’s loud panting (never in his ears, mind you-- that was too intimate), strong arms around his hips, and cock driving deep into him, Arthur seemed to be everywhere. There was no escaping Arthur. Not even in the privacy of his own mind.

The still-impossible reality was that he was really stuck being sex slave to Arthur. For how long was anyone’s guess. Merlin could only try to bear his situation with the little dignity he still had. He was always aware that the situation could have been much worse.

Arthur came silently, and then pulled out. Merlin had never orgasmed in his life, and he briefly wondered how it must feel like before he quickly shut that atrocious thought from his mind. To this day, sex still completely repulsed him.

Merlin could hear Arthur’s breeches shuffling as he got them back on, and then the Prince was gone.

That evening, shocked couldn’t even begin to describe how Merlin felt when a guard came in and dragged him back to the cage. For the second time that day, Arthur drove his cock into Merlin and thrust like his life depended on it.

From that day on, Arthur began taking Merlin two, sometimes even three times a day. It didn’t matter where he was or what he was doing, a guard would burst in at random intervals, demanding Merlin. Merlin was as perplexed as ever. Had Arthur finally gone mad?

Merlin was sitting in class, trying to solve the mathematics problem on the board when he heard an achingly familiar voice. “I need to borrow Merlin for a bit.” Merlin’s heart nearly stopped.

“Yes, of course, m’lord.”

Merlin turned his head to Arthur and saw the Prince had his arms crossed, leaning on the doorframe. Arthur was staring directly at him, face as expressionless and unreadable as ever.

It’d been a year since Arthur started taking him so often, but never before had Arthur himself been the one to fetch him. “Well _c’mon,”_ Arthur said, raising an eyebrow. “I haven’t got all day.”

Merlin jumped, not realizing he'd been gawking and showing no signs whatsoever of moving. “Y-yes, sire.”

Merlin got up and hastily left the classroom, ignoring the usual pitying looks his classmates shot at him.

They walked to the cage in complete silence. Arthur didn’t look at him, and Merlin kept his eyes to the ground.

After they were both lubed up, Merlin waited expectantly on his hands and knees. The part right before penetration was the worst. Not knowing exactly when Arthur would touch the tip of his cock to his sensitive hole was too suspenseful for his liking. He shuddered.

This time, Arthur was waiting longer than usual. The Prince was so quiet that, if not for the fear of accidentally seeing his cock, Merlin would have turned his head to make sure Arthur was still there. Instead, he just kept his eyes on the cage bars, listening to his own rapid heartbeat as he waited.

Finally he felt Arthur’s large arms wrap around his belly.

Huh. That was weird.

Arthur usually only gripped his hips for leverage. Arthur's cock rubbed at the entrance to Merlin’s arse, and Merlin could feel the wetness from the oil slick against him. The Prince leaned down on him, his mouth right by Merlin’s ear. Merlin shut his eyes tight. Arthur’s breath was too hot, too close. Why was Arthur doing this?

Finally Arthur pressed gently in, beginning to thrust. Merlin tried to hold still, but eventually the force of Arthur’s movements rocked his body in time with the thrusts. Merlin snapped his eyes open in shock the first time he heard Arthur moan, long and low. Then Arthur was mouthing at his neck and ears, and Merlin’s breath hitched as his heart beat rapidly in his chest. “A-arthur?!” he stammered, voice cracking with fear. Arthur continued to thrust and moan, and Merlin shut his eyes again. This was wrong. This was so wrong. Was Arthur actually enjoying it _so much?_

Then Arthur spun him around, and Merlin yelped in surprise. Merlin could only watch in bewilderment as Arthur, with quick fingers, stripped off his own shirt, then proceeded to work at getting Merlin’s off. Merlin struggled, briefly forgetting who he was fighting against before he remembered and completely stiffened instead, falling on his back into the straw in shameful submission.

Arthur grunted in acknowledgement and scooted higher up on Merlin’s hips to get his shirt all the way off. As he did so, Arthur’s hard cock brushed Merlin’s exposed belly, and Merlin bucked, trembling. He tried to calm himself by taking deep breaths. He had sex with Arthur all the time. He told himself over and over again that there was no reason to be afraid just because the prince wanted to try a new position.

Except he was terrified.

By the time Merlin was completely naked, he was near tears. This had been a new defilement, a new intrusion. He’d never been naked in front of anyone, and he had never _ever_ wanted to be.

“You’re not a little boy anymore,” Arthur murmured, kissing up and down his neck and chest. Arthur sat back and raked his eyes over Merlin’s most private parts. “You’ve grown so gracefully. You’re so _beautiful.”_ His voice was heavy with awe.   

 _He_ was beautiful? Arthur really was off his rocker. Making sure to keep his eyes just to the left of Arthur’s head, Merlin swallowed nervously. He didn’t want to accidentally see anything. But then Arthur grabbed his head and forced Merlin to look into his eyes. “Keep your eyes on mine,” Arthur commanded, though his voice was edged with a terrible softness. “You’ve grown up, and I want this body.” Arthur continued gawking at Merlin’s soft, pale skin, as if it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. “I want _you,”_ Arthur breathed, staring fiercely into Merlin’s eyes, as if challenging the boy to object, as if mocking his helplessness.

Merlin’s entire body convulsed in a shudder. He was beyond terrified.

_Two sides of the same coin._

How were they _anything_ alike? Merlin thought Arthur was a monster.  

When Arthur was confident of the boy’s obedience, he finally drove his cock inside. Merlin arched up, his body not used to being taken in this position, and he whimpered softly when Arthur moved gently in and out. The Prince smirked, angled his body a different way, and thrust again. This time, Arthur’s cock brushed against something in Merlin that set his entire body on fire.

Merlin bit his lip to keep from screaming, and then Arthur drove into him repeatedly, hitting that same spot each time. What _was_ that feeling? After an excruciating long while, Merlin finally couldn’t stop himself and grabbed onto Arthur’s shoulders, needing something, anything, to hold on to. He was going wild inside. He was in a frenzy.

They were both panting hard, and Merlin hated it, yet his body continued to crave every bit of Arthur’s terrifying cock. Merlin writhed in pleasure, but he knew this was wrong. He couldn’t be enjoying this. This was sick.

Whatever he thought, Merlin’s eyes eventually glazed over as Arthur continued his onslaught. Merlin had never felt anything like this. He was swimming in pleasure, overwhelmed with feelings coming from all around him, surrounding him, suffocating him. He whimpered loudly, to Arthur’s pleasure. This was different than all the other times he’s had sex. This time Arthur was making sure Merlin would enjoy this. Arthur wanted to see Merlin come for the first time.

Merlin’s foggy mind finally caught up to what was happening, and he suddenly felt an irrational and overwhelming need to get out of there. He shoved at Arthur. “No! Arthur, stop it.” His voice shook, with pleasure or embarrassment, he couldn’t tell. Arthur stared at him in astonishment, and Merlin flipped over onto his belly, crying and grabbing at the bars as he tried to sit up. His feeble attempt to escape failed when Arthur grabbed his hips and ripped his hands from the bars.

Merlin screamed and kicked, but Arthur held him down until he was flat on his back again. Through his tears, Merlin looked up into Arthur’s face and saw that his eyes were darker than ever. Dark with lust... and something else.

“Let me go! Please let me _go!”_ Merlin tried kicking at him again, but Arthur sat on his legs, grunting, and held Merlin’s wrists up, gripping them almost painfully tight above his head.

“You aren’t getting away no matter what, so you might as well try to enjoy this,” Arthur hissed, giving Merlin a clout to the head. Arthur hadn’t actually hurt him, but the swat stunned Merlin enough to make him go limp for just a second. Taking advantage of this, Arthur ground down on Merlin’s cock, grinding them roughly together. Merlin’s whimpering choked off as an embarrassingly high squeak escaped his lips. No, no, he couldn’t like this. His treacherous body didn’t know what it was doing.

Merlin tried to wriggle away, but it dawned on him quickly that the movement only added more friction to their coupling. In the end, all he could do was shut his eyes tight and tried to pretend he was somewhere else. It never worked before, and it certainly didn’t work now.

Merlin continued to protest until he realized he was only babbling incoherently. His pubescent body was betraying him in every way. To his utter horror, his cock had hardened all the way, and everything in him was telling him to just lay back and take the pleasure. Arthur moaned and licked his neck, nibbled at his ear, then took his mouth. Merlin cried and tried to move his head away, but Arthur grabbed his chin. “When I kiss you, you _will_ kiss back. Under no circumstances are you to ever forget that.” Arthur’s voice was hard, and Merlin swallowed, nearly choking on his tears. He tried to speak, but nothing came out, so in the end he only nodded.

Arthur wasted no time in going back to Merlin’s mouth. Merlin shut his eyes, feeling them roll to the back of his head at Arthur’s kiss. Merlin kissed back, like commanded, and he couldn’t come to terms with the feeling it gave him. It felt like he was soaring in space and yet falling into Arthur at the same time. It was like he couldn’t get enough, and everything was Arthur. But for now, just for now, it wasn’t _so_ bad.

Arthur continued to rut against him, and Merlin whimpered in pleasure this time, the feeling of his cock against Arthur’s threatening to overwhelm him. Suddenly, it was all too much and Merlin broke the kiss as he grabbed onto Arthur's shoulders and gripped him tight. “Arthur, what’s--?” Merlin buried his face into Arthur’s neck as Arthur quickened his pace. Merlin was in a frenzy, his entire body feeling like it was about to light up in a blaze and explode at any second. Suddenly he came, his fluids shooting all over both their bellies and hips. Merlin cried out, gasping loudly, and immediately after, Arthur came as well, riding him through their orgasms and not stopping until he had milked out every ounce.

Panting hard, Arthur lay down behind Merlin, holding him close. Merlin was trembling and shaking. What just happened?

Arthur pulled Merlin closer and seeded gentle kisses into his neck. The Prince gently nibbled at his shoulders, and Merlin shivered. He just wanted to sleep now, to forget about all of this, and Arthur wasn’t helping.

At last, Arthur stopped his fondling and relaxed into Merlin, allowing him to finally drift off into a restless slumber.

After that night, Arthur only became needier. He would grab Merlin wherever he was, drag him to the nearest closet, and fuck him until they both came. The first time he sucked Merlin off, Merlin had been terrified.

“No, Arthur, please don’t...”

“You’ll like it.” Arthur grinned and roughly shoved Merlin’s trousers down to his ankles.

“Please, Arthur--!”

When Arthur put Merlin’s cock in his mouth, Merlin moaned involuntarily, then regained his senses and grabbed at Arthur’s hair, intent on shoving him off. Somehow, once he got his fingers in the blonde locks, Merlin found his hand merely clutching at Arthur’s hair instead. Did he just pull Arthur’s head closer? Oh, that was an accident. Merlin bit his lip as his hips bucked all on their own. “Arthurrrr,” Merlin whimpered. He had to get Arthur off. Right. Now.

In a last attempt, Merlin sank to the floor and tried kicking at him, but Arthur refused to be deterred, even smiling a little at Merlin’s lame attempt, and finally Merlin came, moaning loudly with his eyes shut and both hands in Arthur’s hair.

“Told you you’d like it,” Arthur said breathlessly, his lips swollen and red. There was a teasing glint in his pretty blue eyes.

“Unhhngn,” Merlin managed. He’d meant to say ‘prat’.

The first time Arthur had gotten Merlin to suck him off, they were in the halls in the wee hours of the night. “Someone will see us,” Merlin tried.

“No one is awake,” Arthur rolled his eyes. “Hurry up.” The Prince’s trousers were already down by his ankles, and he tapped his foot impatiently. Merlin kept his eyes averted. He’d yet to actually _look_ at Arthur's cock.

“You can’t make me do this,” Merlin tried again, wincing when he realized how dumb that statement was. He should really think before he spoke.  

 _“Obviously_ I can, and I will.” Arthur narrowed his eyes, then used a hand to effortlessly push Merlin down on both knees. Merlin’s eyes stayed on the floor, refusing to look up at the dangling flesh before him. “Lick it,” Arthur commanded.

Merlin could feel his eyes growing wet with tears. Who knew sweet thirteen year old Arthur could grow up to be such a fucking pervert. Bitterly, Merlin cursed his life. He didn’t want Arthur’s stupid cock in his mouth. “I actually eat with this mouth, you know,” he said through gritted teeth.

“And you’ll swallow my all my seed as well.”

Merlin took a deep, shaky breath, then moved his head a little over to slowly lick the side of Arthur’s cockhead. Arthur stiffened under him. Merlin stopped to clear his throat, then began again. This time he took Arthur’s tip between his lips and licked it cautiously. He could taste a little of Arthur’s salty pre-come in his mouth and he nearly gagged. How was he going to swallow it all? Merlin paused for a second to steady himself, then tried again.

He sucked gently at the tip, then eventually took in the entire head. Arthur gasped, grabbing at his hair and yanking him closer. Merlin nearly lost his balance and grabbed onto Arthur’s thighs to steady himself. Slowly, he took in more of Arthur’s cock, sucking gently and tentatively the entire time, trying not to think about the horrid taste.

After a while, he had finally sucked Arthur’s cock fully into his mouth. Arthur panted, his hand still fisted desperately in Merlin’s hair, and Merlin himself felt his eyes growing heavy and glazed. This-- this, actually wasn’t really _that_ disgusting, after he’d gotten used to it. Merlin felt a hotness in his gut, a feeling he couldn’t quite pinpoint, and then with dismay, he realized his own cock was beginning to harden. He shut his eyes, willing it to go back to being limp, but it was no use. He whimpered when he felt his loosely clothed cock rise up against his belly and harden all the way.

Arthur must’ve somehow sensed this, because then he promptly popped his cock out of Merlin’s mouth and hoisted him up to a standing position. Arthur shoved Merlin up against the wall and kissed him, grinding into him. Merlin kissed back, as was his requirement. Arthur’s cock, smearing cum on his trousers where it pressed into him, made Merlin incredibly aroused. He needed more friction. No, _what was he talking about?_ He needed Arthur to get the fuck away from him.

Arthur rutted against him, and when Arthur moved his hand to Merlin’s belly, Merlin winced. His cock was completely erect, leaking pre-come and… poking out of his trousers onto his belly. Merlin only hoped Arthur wouldn’t discover it. His face lit red with shame and self-disgust. Arthur pawed at Merlin’s shirt, pushing it up half-heartedly as they continued kissing and Arthur continued grinding into him. Merlin was so hard it was ridiculous.

Arthur’s hands explored Merlin’s belly, and his hand inevitably brushed up against the sensitive head of Merlin’s cock. Arthur’s face lit up with surprise, and Merlin squeezed his eyes shut. This was so _humiliating_. Merlin continued kissing Arthur, his tears revealing his shame.

Arthur played with the head of Merlin’s cock, rubbing his thumb in a circular motion at the tip. Merlin had to muster all his self-control not to cry out. The sensation was amazing. He pushed himself further into Arthur’s hand before realizing what he was doing and immediately drew back again, tears flowing faster at his disgrace.

At this, Arthur broke away from his mouth, instead kissing Merlin’s neck, tasting it and licking and lapping at it. Merlin’s head fell against the wall as he groaned, whimpering and trying to push Arthur away, but he knew that his body wanted nothing more than to fuck his prince right here and now. His body was wet and ready and yearning for it, but his mind fought against it with everything he had.

Arthur let go of Merlin’s cock and instead wrapped both arms around him in a suffocating hug as he rubbed his own rock-hard cock relentlessly against Merlin’s. Arthur’s face was tucked in Merlin’s neck as he panted, sounding wrecked.

Merlin gasped loudly, crying out and swearing. He was really tipping over the edge now. Crying out one last time, Merlin came all over both their bellies. To his dismay, they actually came at the same time. Merlin refused to look down at the mess they’d made. He was shaking with disgust and still panting hard.

Arthur continued kissing and nibbling at his neck, and Merlin could do nothing but stand there and let him. After some time, Arthur finally wiped at the cum on his cock and belly and sloppily smeared it on Merlin’s lips. “Lick that off,” he drawled lazily. The Prince’s smile was twisted into a light smirk as he waggled his eyebrows. Merlin shrank back into the wall, wishing he could just disappear forever. He shook his head as more tears dribbled down his cheek.

“Do it,” Arthur said, grabbing at Merlin’s shoulders and shaking him once. Merlin swallowed and sucked in a quick breath. Arthur wasn’t going to let him off. Arthur never let him off. Still shamefully hard, Merlin tentatively licked his lips, blushing. “Good?” Arthur purred, leaning his handsome face in.

“It’s not bad,” Merlin whispered, stricken with the realization.  

Arthur blinked, surprised at Merlin’s honesty, and then his eyes flooded with affection. Quickly, he leaned for another kiss, and Merlin, like always, was forced to kiss back. Or else.

Four years passed, and Merlin was finally an adult.

Throughout the years, Arthur always got what he wanted, and he wanted Merlin to be his friend. So Merlin became his friend.

It had actually been surprisingly easy to become friends with Arthur. Merlin never had to pretend or force it. Despite everything, they fit together like a lock and key, and Merlin was never able to resist Arthur. It was like there was an invisible chain that bound them together, and no matter what Arthur forced him to do, or how many times Arthur made him do it, Merlin always found himself forgiving him (not that Arthur ever apologized).

Some way, some how, Arthur had wriggled into some deep dark place inside Merlin’s heart, and Merlin couldn’t shake free of it.

The two were always together. When they had free time, Arthur and Merlin, along with their friends, would play catch, go down by the river and swim, or do whatever else they wanted to do. Merlin tagged along on all of Arthur’s hunting trips (Arthur would never in a million years allow him to stay behind), and as far as everyone was concerned, they were secretly a couple.

“Your boyfriend is waiting for you,” Gwen said, motioning at where Arthur was impatiently waiting in the body of water by the small waterfall. Arthur had his trousers rolled up to his knees, and for the time-being, he still had his shirt on.

“He is _not_ my boyfriend,” Merlin rolled his eyes.

At this, Gwen and Morgana exchanged a look. Lancelot jogged up right about then, hugging Gwen from behind. “Whatever is or is not going on between Merlin and Arthur is their business,” he said into Gwen’s ear. He looked up at Merlin and smiled gently. Merlin smiled thankfully in return. Lancelot didn’t know about the true nature of his and Arthur’s relationship, but Merlin was glad he didn’t participate in the teasing.

When Gwen giggled and leaned into Lance, he took her mouth gently. Merlin watched, biting his lip uncomfortably. He thought about how, his whole life, he’d never wanted anyone the way Lancelot and Gwen clearly wanted each other. He wondered how it must feel like to kiss and do... _other_ things, not because you were forced to, but because you actually wanted it.  

Kissing Arthur meant nothing. None of his friends knew about how Arthur had commanded him to return each and every one of those kisses, or about how Arthur force-fucked him whenever the bastard was horny (which was _absolutely_ all the time). They all fell under the impression that the two had worked out Merlin’s age-old punishment, that they had somehow secretly convinced Uther to repeal it. After all, it was already known far and wide that Arthur was the most noble Prince of all the lands and neighboring kingdoms. The idea that he would ever want to take someone against their will was the most alien concept for anyone, but especially alien for those closest to him. Merlin knew telling them would be pointless. It wasn’t like they could help him. Knowing would only add to their worries and needlessly tarnish Arthur’s reputation.

And then all those sad stares he used to get. Those were the worst. He’d rather let the public believe he was secretly in love with Arthur than have to put up with being so universally pitied and treated specially just because people felt bad for him.

Merlin turned on his heels and jogged over to Arthur, who was still waiting in the pool. “Finally,” Arthur grinned, grabbing at Merlin’s head and pulling it down towards his chest.

“Stop it!” Merlin chuckled, trying to get out from under Arthur’s strong arms. This proximity was already going straight to his cock, and he hated it. He hated how easily Arthur turned him on.

Over the years, his body had come to strongly associate Arthur’s with pleasure, and try as he might, he couldn’t seem to reverse that. Apparently his body had forgotten all the tears he’d cried and sleepless nights he’d had due to Arthur’s body as well.

As Merlin tried to wriggle away, Arthur took him into a warm hug and licked Merlin’s lips. Merlin’s eyes glazed as heat pooled in his belly. “Open,” Arthur whispered, his blue eyes brilliant and blinding. Merlin moaned softly as he opened for Arthur, and when they kissed, he felt whole and free. Once again, he felt like he was falling, and his knees trembled. Merlin grabbed Arthur’s sides and kissed his best friend fully and warmly, feeling his heart melting like it had all those other times. Kissing sent a rush of emotions through him. Emotions he could never understand, even when he spent hours contemplating on them.

Arthur thrust his hips into Merlin’s once, and Merlin’s face cracked into a grin, a blush crossing his pale skin. It all felt so good, everything with Arthur, all the time. Finally they broke apart, and Arthur took Merlin’s hand as they walked back to their friends.

Gwen and Morgana giggled. Clearly Merlin was in love with Arthur. Who did he think he was fooling? Gwen could see the way Merlin looked at him. Like his whole world, his entire center, was _Arthur_. And oh, the way Merlin was smiling. Merlin never smiled that way, not unless Arthur was the cause. And Arthur loved Merlin back just as much. At least Arthur didn’t have trouble admitting it.

“Do you think Merlin will ever admit to us his feelings for Arthur?” Gwen asked Morgana.

“Does he really need to? It’s obvious he’s never going to love another,” Morgana smiled. “I’m jealous of them.”

Gwen laughed. “Don't worry, Morgana.” She put a warm hand on her friend. “You’ll find your soulmate eventually.”

Merlin heard his bedroom door crack open. Already knowing who it was, he groaned and turned to see Arthur. The older man was in the middle of trying to close Merlin’s door as quietly as possible, and then he turned and tip-toed over. “Scoot your bottom, Merlin,” he whispered.

“Go back to your own bedroom, you big loaf,” Merlin chided, also whispering. He was too tired to deal with Arthur’s shit at this time of night. “I’m tired, leave me alone.”

Arthur clamped a hand on Merlin's shoulder and the other on his leg and promptly half rolled, half tossed Merlin over to make room for himself.

“You are _intolerable,”_ Merlin groaned loudly into his pillow, turning so that he was faced away from his friend. Really, screw Uther’s punishment. What right did Arthur have to treat him this way? He was still a human being. Before Merlin’s sleep-muddled thoughts could rant on any longer, Arthur curled his arms around him, and suddenly Merlin decided that, just for tonight, he wouldn’t kick Arthur off the bed once the giant prat fell asleep.

When dawn came, Merlin awoke to Arthur’s morning wood pressed up tightly against his own. Some time during the night, he had apparently turned so that he was facing Arthur, and now they were tangled in a mess of legs and arms.

Merlin smiled to himself. He loved mornings like this, when he got to wake up next to his best friend. And it was definitely the mornings he liked, not the nights leading up to what happened in the morning. Well, he didn’t like what happened in the morning after Arthur woke up either. He actually just liked that tiny sliver of time where he was awake and Arthur wasn't, but where Arthur was still laying in bed next to him. Because he loved Arthur, and Arthur was his best friend. And best friends liked waking up next to each other.

Merlin snuggled deeper into Arthur’s neck and ignored his own raging hard-on. “Good morning, lazy daisy,” Merlin whispered in his ear.

Arthur stirred and swatted at him. “Go away, Merlin.”

“Wish you’d tell me that more often,” Merlin mused seriously, jabbing his sleepy clotpole in the side.

When Arthur didn’t move, Merlin lay back and pulled the blankets up to their chins. He leaned his face in close to Arthur’s. Damn, sleepy Arthur’s smell was intoxicating. Merlin nuzzled his nose into Arthur's cheek and slowly pressed soft lips there, kissing him tenderly. And it was definitely a _friendly_ kiss. Merlin wasn’t gay, after all.

He ran long fingers through Arthur’s soft, downy hair, fiercely blushing with the extent of his absolute adoration when, finally, Arthur opened up his beautiful blue eyes. Merlin nearly forgot to breathe. Arthur seemed to absolutely melt into Merlin’s touch, and the Prince closed his eyes again. Why didn’t Merlin allow him into his bed more often? As if on cue, Arthur murmured, “Fuck me.” Oh, right.

Merlin’s eyes shadowed over with dismay as he pulled his hand away from Arthur’s hair. He began to feel clammy, and he felt his stomach dropping through the bed to the ground and beyond.

“C’mon, _Mer_ lin,” Arthur hummed, eyes still closed, smiling a little. How could Arthur smile at his anguish? Even with his eyes closed, Merlin knew Arthur must have known exactly how he felt. Merlin clenched his jaw in anger. Arthur was impossible. And horrible. And messed up in the head. Arthur opened one eye and watched him. “Well?”

When Merlin didn’t do anything, Arthur rolled his eyes. “Oh please, Merlin, you always end up liking it but whine constantly beforehand. You’re utterly ridiculous.”

Suddenly enraged, Merlin spat, “Fuck you, Arthur Pendragon! _I’M_ ridiculous for not wanting to be raped every day by a spoiled prat?!”

Arthur grabbed at him, but Merlin clawed his arm away, scrambling out of bed. He had to get out of there. Quickly.

“Merlin, get back here!” Arthur shouted.

Merlin barely made it to the door before Arthur got in front of him, barring him from his freedom. Merlin’s eyes were wild and huge, brimming with frightened tears. Arthur sighed, running an exhausted hand through his hair. “Get back to the bed,” Arthur said quietly, pointing as if Merlin might need help finding it.

“I don’t want to,” Merlin whispered. “I hate having sex. I don’t want to have sex.” Merlin protested every day, but he had never seen a day when Arthur had let him go. Not once. “Arthur, please,” he begged desperately. He knew he was acting like a child, but he didn’t care. “I love you. I’ll be your best friend until the day I die. But it doesn’t have to be like this. Please Arthur.”

Arthur took his hands and leaned in close. _“Strip.”_

Crying silently, Merlin did as he was told. Arthur sat back on the bed, watching and waiting. Once naked, Merlin gingerly climbed on top of Arthur’s lap, and he shivered when his cock almost immediately hardened. Why must Arthur have that effect on him? Internally cursing, Merlin gently rolled Arthur’s loose-fitting white sleeping shirt up and over, tossing it to the floor. He could feel Arthur shivering when his cock brushed Arthur’s stomach. Merlin bit his lip. This felt too good, too right, too familiar. It made him uncomfortable. Merlin suddenly felt so hot, like suddenly there was a bubble and only him and Arthur were in it. Every little breath or movement Arthur made, Merlin was sharply aware of it.

He worked at loosening Arthur’s trousers. When he pulled them down and Arthur’s cock sprung up, his mouth went dry. It was so beautiful and perfect and, no, Merlin didn’t care about Arthur’s cock. It was gross, and... a _cock._ He wanted girls, because he was a man and that’s what men wanted.

Merlin tossed Arthur’s trousers onto the floor as he put a hand on Arthur’s chest and pushed him down onto the bed. Arthur’s eyes were bright with lust and anticipation.

“Arthur..” Merlin begged one last time. “I don’t want to do this.” Arthur entwined their hands together and tugged lightly. “C’mon,” Arthur whispered, almost inaudibly. Merlin could hear the strain in Arthur’s voice, the utter _need_ behind that one word. And he knew it was no use. Arthur was too far gone like this.

Merlin leaned down and grabbed the jug sitting by the bed. He poured some of the oil out and slowly slicked his cock. Done with that, he got started on Arthur. When his finger breached Arthur’s hole, Arthur made a happy noise, and Merlin couldn’t help but stop and smile, his mouth partly opened in the genuineness of it as he looked into Arthur’s face. Arthur blinked up at him and broke into a smile of his own when he noticed Merlin’s. They stared at each other like that for a second more before Merlin realized what he was doing and cleared his throat, looking down again, and went back to work on preparing Arthur. He cursed himself like he had so many other times throughout the years. Why Arthur’s happiness meant so much to him, he’d never know.

Finally Arthur was ready. Merlin didn’t like this at all. Arthur hardly ever forced him to top, but when he did, Merlin felt especially disgusting. Merlin held his breath as he pushed himself inside. Arthur groaned, and Merlin slowly fucked in and out, closing his eyes as complete bliss took hold.

Before he knew what he was doing, he was thrusting in a frenzy into Arthur’s hole, still holding his hand. Merlin threw his head back as he moaned. He could feel _everything_ , and he loved it. He leaned down, cupping Arthur’s jaw with his free hand, and hungrily took Arthur’s mouth with his. They fucked hard and rolled on the bed, both making obscene noises. At one point, Merlin wasn’t even sure who was making which noises.

Before he knew it, Arthur was on his hands and knees and Merlin was fucking him roughly and quickly from behind, panting and planting little kisses all along Arthur’s sides and back. “Merlin,” Arthur moaned breathlessly. Merlin licked and sucked at Arthur’s neck and ears, and then Arthur flipped onto his back, and Merlin continued fucking into him, whimpering. This felt so good. Merlin’s mind was numb to all but the pure pleasure. Both his hands were clasped in Arthur’s, and Merlin held onto them as he kissed his way down Arthur’s chest to his stomach.

Merlin reached Arthur’s cock, and suddenly he paused, the fear and disgust rushing back in a flood, and it was like Merlin was hit. His eyes watered, and he felt like a girl, always crying. Arthur was unaware of his sudden panic attack and instead grabbed his hair, moaning. _“Merlin.”_ Arthur said his name so tenderly, so soft. And just like that, all rational thought skittered away again, lost to the wind, and Merlin grabbed hungrily at Arthur’s cock with his mouth, shutting his eyes in absolute bliss as he sucked, distinctly unaware of the tears rolling down his cheeks.

When they awoke, Arthur dragged them both back to his chambers for a bath (Merlin had to prepare it, of course). As they bathed together, Merlin was hard the entire time. He sat with his back right up against Arthur’s chest in the cramped tub, and feeling Arthur’s erection pressed into him was driving him insane. They chattered and joked, playing with the bubbles and water, splashing one another now and then.

Arthur finally settled down and hugged him, resting his chin on Merlin’s shoulder. “You’ll be mopping up the puddles after our bath.”

“Prat,” Merlin said, smiling at his prince and gently butting their heads together. Arthur pressed a firm kiss on his cheek and Merlin blushed, feeling that familiar rush in his gut that he could never pinpoint. He hated when that happened, because then he was left utterly confused.

Merlin shifted his body around to Arthur and leaned in close to his neck and chest, smiling when Arthur traced doodles on his skin. “I love you,” Merlin said, blinking up at the older man through his long lashes.

“I love you too,” Arthur said, bending his head to kiss at Merlin’s mouth. Merlin instinctively opened for him, allowing Arthur’s tongue in. Shutting his eyes, he kissed back. Merlin loved Arthur’s tongue in his mouth. He didn’t know why, it was just the most beautiful sensation. Almost as good as sex, but just in a different way, and without the guilt and disgust that came with it.

Soon they were all over each other, kissing and panting and rutting their cocks against one another in the tiny tub. Only when they broke apart did Merlin fully come to terms with the fact that their cocks had been touching. Shame coursed through him again. “We’re getting a little out of hand,” he coughed, subtly distancing himself from Arthur.

“Right, there’s more water on my floor than in this tub,” Arthur observed, amused. He stepped out of the tub, offering a hand to Merlin. Merlin happily took it. His hand in Arthur’s. Yes, that felt good too. That felt right. And, like with the kissing, Merlin didn’t know why.

They helped wipe each other down. Arthur snuck a kiss to Merlin’s cock when he wasn’t looking, and Merlin yelped in surprise. He refused to admit to himself that it had felt good, and Arthur wasn’t going to fuck him again for at least a few hours, surely, so Merlin talked himself into letting it slide. He had to try not to get angry at these little things.

Finally they were dressed, and Arthur grabbed Merlin’s hand, the two walking and bantering endlessly throughout the castle. Merlin loved these moments with Arthur-- when they didn’t have to do anything sexual and he could just be with his best friend and hold hands.

During a long council meeting that evening, Arthur sat behind Merlin on the bench, arms wrapped snugly around his belly as Merlin dozed off. He had to shake Merlin awake once when his snoring got too loud, and Merlin had been mildly embarrassed, but more amused than anything. “Told you I didn’t want to come,” he complained.

“Shut up Merlin. I’d miss you if you weren’t here.” Arthur nuzzled his nose into Merlin’s sweet smelling hair, and Merlin laughed softly.

“Stop, that tickles!”

They were quickly silenced by a death glare from Uther.

After the meeting, Arthur led a very sleepy Merlin down a secluded hall and had his way with him before sending, now a disgruntled, slightly dazed, and very angry Merlin, back to his room.

Merlin was about to open the door to his family’s chambers when he heard fast footsteps approaching behind him. Merlin’s eyes widened when he saw that it was Hunith. “Mum, what are you doing up so late?”

His mother’s eyes were wild and glistening with tears as she opened the door and ushered him inside. Once she locked the door, she turned back to him. “Merlin, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you--?” Merlin was confused.

“I heard what was going on back there. With Arthur.” Hunith’s voice was trembling. “You two look so happy all the time, so in love, I had no idea he was still doing this to you.”

Merlin’s stomach dropped. “No, mum, it’s alright--.”

“This isn’t alright!” she interrupted. “I’m telling your father. You’re a man now, Merlin. You can take care of yourself, and you have magic. _Very_ powerful magic. There is no reason you can’t leave Camelot. You can escape the cards that life has dealt for you.”

Merlin’s eyes widened. “You want me to run away?”

Hunith took her son’s face in both hands. “Yes, Merlin. Escape to another king’s lands. Take on a different identity, do whatever you need to do. And don’t ever come back. You deserve so much more than this, Merlin. Before, you were only a small child and still needed your father and I. But you can survive on your own now.”

“But,” Merlin shook his head, his mind reeling. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you _can,_ dear. Leave this all behind.”

“What will happen to you? To father?”

After a short pause, Hunith assured him, “We’ll be okay. But _you_ can’t live like this. I will not allow it. You’ve suffered enough for an imaginary crime you didn’t commit. And if Arthur behaves like this now, I fear even after Uther’s death you shall not be free. I will _not_ let this be the sole purpose of my son’s life! You must go. Your father and I can take care of ourselves.”

Then, from the corner of Merlin’s field of vision, a shadow crossed over into the tiny kitchen.

“Your mother is right, Merlin.” Balinor stared Merlin straight in the eyes. “Go. Don’t worry about us.”

“Then… come with me,” Merlin pleaded.

Balinor shook his head. “Camelot is our home and where we belong. We shall die here just as we have always lived. You, however, were always meant for greater things. You cannot stay.”      

Three days later, right before Merlin was to make his escape from Camelot, Arthur grabbed him and sucked him off by the castle walls. Merlin fisted a bunch of Arthur’s hair in his hands, trying his best not to moan, and failing miserably. By the time he came, they were both in the grass. Merlin’s back was still to the wall, and Arthur was crouched before him, licking the last of Merlin’s come off the tip of his throbbing cock. Then Arthur sat up and tried kissing Merlin’s mouth, but Merlin squirmed his head away.

“I am _not_ kissing you when you have my fluids all over your mouth,” Merlin chuckled, gently reaching up to wipe the last remaining traces of it from Arthur’s lips.

“Mhhm,” Arthur hummed, smiling indulgently.

Once Merlin finished cleaning Arthur’s lips off, Arthur nuzzled into his neck, and Merlin lay down, enjoying the warm sun on his face and Arthur’s sweet-smelling, warm, and still-panting body next to his. Arthur was beginning to doze off.

Merlin almost let himself slip into a gentle slumber with him, but then he suddenly remembered: the escape plan! How could he almost forget such a thing?

And it was only then that he really came to terms with the fact that this was going to be the last he’d ever see his best friend. A cold chill shot down his spine.

“Hey, prat,” Merlin whispered. In response, Arthur squeezed his hand. “I love you,” Merlin murmured into his ear, and his voice nearly broke. “I’ll love you no matter how much of a clotpole you are. And…” Merlin paused, fighting the tears that were threatening to spill over and never stop falling. “...I’ll keep loving you. No matter how many years may pass by.”

Arthur smiled, eyes still closed and squeezing Merlin’s hand tighter. “I know Merlin. I love you too. Always.”

Merlin nodded, tears springing to his eyes as he smiled. He quickly dabbed them away, thankful Arthur’s eyes were closed.

Merlin waited a while longer until he was sure Arthur was fully asleep. Then he got up quietly and walked away as fast as he could. He couldn’t help feeling that, with every step, he was leaving a part of his very soul behind.

Merlin reached Hunith and Balinor, very aware that he stunk of sex. They exchanged glances, but otherwise said nothing and instead helped him on his horse.

After they said their goodbyes, Balinor handed Merlin a crude yellowed map. “Follow the path I mapped out for you. It will lead you to the next kingdom over.”

“Right,” Merlin said, nodding. He chewed at his bottom lip and his nervous fingers wouldn’t stop playing with the reins.  

“You can do this, son,” Balinor smiled up at him, and then stepped aside to let Merlin go.

Merlin rode a few paces forward, his grip on the horse’s reins tightening.

Then he turned back to look at his parents.

“I can’t,” he said at last.

“Of course you can, Merlin, you’re strong,” Hunith said.

“No, I can’t leave Arthur,” Merlin mumbled, choking with pent up tears. Was he about to cry in front of his own parents? He really was such a girl, like Arthur always said.

“Stop this foolishness, Merlin,” Balinor said, face growing stern. “Get going. You won’t have long until nightfall.”

“I can’t.” Merlin got off his horse. “Mum, dad, you don’t understand. Arthur is my best friend. Friends don’t leave one another.” Even to his own ears, his reasoning sounded pathetic.

“Friends don’t rape friends either!” Balinor exclaimed, mortified that his son had seemingly forgotten all about that.

Merlin flinched.

“No, father, you don’t understand. He’s always forced me to do.. _those things,_ those horrible things, against my will. And every single time, I hate it so much. He’s caused me to loathe a certain part of myself almost as much as I hate that part of him, but it’s the way he’s always been, it’s all I’ve _ever_ known since I was a little boy. And so, mum, dad, I know it sounds disgusting and terrible, but... I think I’ve learned to love him... through it all.”

Merlin had begun crying, wiping at his eyes fruitlessly.

_I can’t escape him. He’s my entire world. He’s everywhere, and he’s always been everywhere. He’s in my dreams, he’s the first and last thing on my mind every single day. Everything about him, his voice, his laughter, his smile, I love. I love him. And I don’t know why, but I do. I love him more than I love anything or anyone in this entire world._

“If I were to part from him, I might as well… I might as well just die!”

Merlin’s parents stared at him, shocked into a temporary silence.

“How could this have happened? How did you manage to fall in love with someone who’s done all this to you?” Balinor finally choked out.

Merlin blinked in dismay. “I’m not _in_ love!” he snapped. “That’s disgusting! Arthur’s my best friend. Why would I feel that way about him?” He trembled, humiliated that his father would even think such a thing about him. As Merlin looked from his father to his mum, he saw that both were staring at him with astonished, confused faces.

“Think what you want. I’m not in love with another _man!”_ Merlin’s face burned red with embarrassment as he shoved the map back into Balinor’s hands and basically stomped away into the forest.

“Merlin!” Balinor called.

Merlin stopped, slowly turning back to face his father. He could feel himself trembling, and his eyes stung with fresh tears.

“You really prefer your life with Arthur over a life of freedom?”

Merlin bit his lip.

His entire world didn’t revolve around Arthur. Arthur _was_ his entire world. “H-he’ll be wondering where I am when he wakes up.” Merlin didn’t meet his father’s eyes.

_I should go._

He'd meant to say that out loud, but the words never left his mouth as he turned and ran instead. He ran until he couldn’t run anymore, and then he collapsed into a stream.

Had he really just done that? Had he really just thrown away his freedom for a fucking stuck-up brat who couldn’t even clean up after himself and who, _at the very least,_ raped him twice a day? Merlin shuddered, then vomited into the stream.

That morning, hell, just right before he’d gotten on that horse, he’d been so prepared to leave. He’d been ready to go.

_What happened?_

When the moment came, he just couldn’t do it. It was like there was a force greater than gravity keeping him from leaving Arthur. Was this what real love felt like?

Merlin washed his face in the stream, then got up and headed back towards the castle. Before he reached its gates, he saw Arthur riding towards him. “Where have you _been?”_ Arthur asked, voice frantic.

Such a prince in shining armor, wasn’t he, Merlin thought dryly. “Out,” he grumbled as he continued walking.

“I had the strangest dream,” Arthur said, riding alongside him.

“Really,” Merlin said, sounding quite uninterested.

“Really.” Arthur rode his horse in front of Merlin to stop him from going any further. “Get on, Merlin.”

Merlin muttered to himself as he climbed up in front of Arthur. Arthur smiled, gleefully and irrationally happy at being so close to Merlin again, and hugged him gently. “Someone’s in a mood,” Arthur murmured into his ear.

“Ah, you noticed. Would you like a gold star now, your highness?”

“Merlin, what’s wrong,” Arthur asked, jabbing him in the ribs.

“Oi!” Merlin yelped, shoving back. Arthur chuckled and kissed Merlin’s cheek. “Now, about my dream.” _Damn prat didn’t even wait for my response,_ Merlin thought. Why did he decide to stay again? He had half a mind to ride out for the neighboring lands bright and early the very next morning.  

“It scared the hell out of me,” Arthur went on, riding towards the gates with Merlin still sulking in his arms. “I has this awful dream that you went away and I never saw you again.” Merlin stiffened. “And then when I woke up, you really _were_ gone. And you’d usually still be sleeping next to me. Merlin, I panicked and nearly went crazy searching for you. I even sent out a few patrols to look for you.”

Merlin’s heart pounded loudly in his ears. Arthur had actually dreamt of this. Of him and the escape plan. “You’d hate for me to leave you, wouldn’t you,” Merlin murmured, trying hard to sound teasing while fervently hoping his voice didn’t quiver. Maybe that’s why Merlin had stayed. Maybe he could sense Arthur’s distress and couldn’t bear to leave him.

Or maybe he did just love the clotpole that much.

“Of course I would hate it,” Arthur said quietly.

They’d reached the stables and Arthur helped Merlin off the horse. He wrapped his arms around Merlin’s waist and pressed their noses together. “I love you Merlin. No one could ever replace you. If you disappeared… well, I’d spend all the days of my life missing you and searching for you.”

Merlin’s breathing hitched as he felt that strange feeling in his stomach again. “I love you too, Arthur.” Suddenly he really wanted Arthur to kiss his mouth. No, did he? No, Merlin realized he must be confused. He wanted Arthur to kiss his cheek, in a brotherly way.

Arthur stared into his eyes for a long while, seemingly lost in them, and then leaned in and took his mouth in a deep kiss. Merlin whimpered into it and grabbed onto Arthur’s neck and shoulder.

“My chambers, now,” Arthur said breathily, dragging Merlin towards the castle entrance. Merlin tugged back. “Why can’t we ever just end the night with a nice dinner or a sweet cuddle session?” Merlin growled as he tried to pull away. “Wouldn’t that suit you since you’re in love with me?”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Don’t say it like it’s unrequited.”

“It is. How many times do I have to tell you I’m not in love with you?”

Arthur stopped walking and shoved Merlin roughly up against the wall. “You _are_ in love with me. You’re just too much of an _idiot_ to see that.”

Merlin huffed angrily. “Telling me what to do isn’t enough, yeah? Now you’re trying to tell me how I _feel?”_ He stomped on Arthur’s foot with all his might.

“OW!” Arthur yelped, giving Merlin time to run.

And run he did. After a long chase and a few whispered spells, Merlin finally managed to lose him. He snuck into the attic of the castle and hid behind some bales of hay. Huffing, face red, he sat there a moment to catch his breath.

Yes! He grinned to himself. Tonight would be his first night without having to fuck Arthur. Merlin crawled onto some of the hay on the floor and made himself comfortable, then curled up and fell asleep.

He was woken with a rough jab in the arse. Arthur’s angry face loomed down at him, illuminated by the moon’s glow.

Merlin hid his fear by grinning cheekily up at him. “You found me! You know, I haven’t played hide-and-seek in forever. It really was one of my _favorite--”_

“ _MER_ LIN!” Arthur growled.

“Yes, sire?”

“Shut _up.”_

“Of course,” Merlin nodded.

Arthur sighed and slumped down in the hay next to him. Merlin scrambled into a sitting position and looked down at him, not sure what to say. They sat together in silence for a long while.

“Do you really hate having sex with me that much?” Arthur asked. Merlin thought he looked kind of offended.

“I don’t want to have sex,” Merlin said, eyes downcast.

“With… _me,”_ Arthur specified sullenly.

Why was this so hard? Merlin rolled his eyes and looked down at Arthur, sighing. “Look Arthur, you’re my best friend. I’m not in love with you. I’m just… not gay.”

Arthur narrowed his eyes. “Then who _do_ you like?”

Merlin looked out the tiny attic window. “No one.”

“I don’t believe that. Tell me,” Arthur said, leaning in closer. When Merlin still didn’t reply, Arthur rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to plunder her or have her beheaded, I just want to know.”

Merlin could definitely hear a hint of jealousy in Arthur’s tone. He turned to look at his best friend. Arthur was staring at him again, the kind of adoring stare that could knock the breath out of him sometimes. “I really don’t like anyone at the moment,” Merlin said, beginning to smile in spite of himself. Arthur just had that effect on him.

The Prince scooted closer. Suddenly Merlin was beginning to feel a little too warm. Was it hot in that attic, or was it just him?

 _“At the moment?_ So who did you used to like?” Arthur asked.

Merlin scratched his head. “No one. I never liked anyone. Ever.”

“Liar,” Arthur said, wrestling Merlin down into the soft hay. “Tell me, or you’ll get it!”

Merlin laughed breathlessly as he tried to knock Arthur off. “No! I’ve never liked anyone, I swear!” The proximity of Arthur was beginning to do things to his body again. In a panic, Merlin spun onto his knees and tried to sit up. Arthur knocked him back down again, his chest to Merlin’s back. _“Liar.”_ The Prince’s breath was hot in Merlin’s ear, and Merlin swallowed thickly.

“No one,” he said, his voice a notch too husky. Shit. Arthur stiffened, then crushed Merlin down completely into the straw. “Fuck Merlin, you’re already hard.”

Merlin _was_ hard. And he was going dizzy with it. “Arthur, just leave me alone.” But Arthur wasn’t going to. No, of course not. Instead he slid a hand up into Merlin’s shirt, touching his chest and nipples and then his belly. Merlin’s belly was so sensitive. Arthur sat right behind him on the straw and leaned over into Merlin’s back, forcing Merlin’s arms to shoot out to brace himself as he hunched over. “I love you,” Arthur breathed.

Merlin was so hard he had to pause for a bit to try to find his voice. “Love yuh,” he managed, swallowing. Arthur leaned away from him and Merlin could hear the Prince undressing. Merlin shut his eyes tight. _Happy thoughts, think happy thoughts._

Arthur took Merlin’s shirt and pulled it up and over him, then started on Merlin’s breeches. Merlin whined, a high pitched noise escaping him. Once they were both naked, Arthur sat behind him and just hugged him.

“Tell me about your past crushes. You must have had some,” Arthur said. Oh thank goodness, he was still on that.

“Erm, no, I didn’t have any.” Merlin turned his head to look at Arthur’s perfect face. “I was forced to fuck _you_ every day, so romance was really the last thing on my mind.”

Arthur’s face lit up with surprise. “Oh.”

Both men fell silent for a long moment after that.

Then Arthur spoke up again.

“Merlin?”

“Hm?”

“Do you… like kissing me?”

Merlin looked up into his prince’s face and saw such fragility in his eyes. It was so unlike Arthur that Merlin couldn’t bring himself to lie. He turned so that his entire body was facing Arthur. “Yes,” he whispered. “I don’t know why I do, but, Arthur, your kisses feel like the most perfect thing to me... They feel like coming home.”

Arthur hugged Merlin close to him. “So you’ve felt that, too.” Merlin could feel Arthur’s smile in his hair.

He nodded, blushing. “I can’t believe I just told you that, though,” Merlin admitted, flustered. “Sounds gay, I know, but I swear, I’m straight.”

He winced internally as he thought back to what he said about the kissing. That did sound _really_ gay, didn’t it? What kind of best friend even said something like that? Merlin cursed himself.

Arthur laughed softly into his hair. “I’m sure you’re straight,” he said, gently rubbing at Merlin’s left cheekbone. “I am, too.”

Merlin eyed him disbelievingly. “Then why do you keep having sex with me? I know you always call me a girl, but you do realize I’ve actually got male genitals?”   

Arthur laughed, kissing Merlin’s cheek, which sent a thrill through him. “Of course you do, _Mer_ lin. I of all people would know that.” Arthur pinched Merlin’s inner thigh.

“Ow!!” He slapped Arthur’s shoulder in retaliation.

Ignoring him, Arthur went on, “It’s just that, you’re the only man I’ve ever been attracted to. Otherwise, I like women.”

“‘Arthur Pendragon, the Prince who is Straight-Except-For-Merlin!’ Just my luck, really,” Merlin exclaimed in disbelief. “I can’t believe this. Really. What were the chances?”

Arthur grinned, leaning back on his arms. “Kiss me, Merlin.”

“What?”

“You said my kisses felt like home. So come here and kiss me! Because your kisses are my sky,” Arthur grinned sappily, waggling his eyebrows teasingly.

Merlin rolled his eyes, though he was already starting to get clammy and anxious. “I’d rather not,” he said uneasily.

 _“Mer_ lin.” Arthur glared at him.

Merlin cleared his throat, then leaned in towards Arthur. Except since Arthur was leaning back on his arms, it meant Merlin would have to clamber all over his legs and hips just to get to his lips, and the prat wasn’t about to lean in any closer. Damn him. As Merlin proceeded, he was excruciatingly careful to keep his crotch from touching any part of Arthur’s legs. Arthur grinned up at him. He hardly ever made Merlin kiss him first.

Merlin nervously leaned in, then backed out at the last minute and went for Arthur’s cheeks. Arthur grunted in surprise, but otherwise did nothing. Merlin sucked on his cheeks and licked at them, already feeling his cock swell. He kissed and sucked closer to Arthur’s mouth. Arthur watched everything, his eyes brimming with contentment and pure joy as he practically purred under Merlin’s gentle sucking. Merlin kissed down Arthur’s throat and felt his arms grabbing on tighter to Arthur’s sides. Fuck, if he wasn’t careful he was going to lose it.

Merlin kissed his way back up to Arthur’s chin, and then finally, he gently pecked Arthur’s lips. Arthur sighed happily, parting them for Merlin. Merlin whined eagerly as he pushed in, and really, time seemed to stop. He kissed Arthur, getting on top of him and sucking at his tongue and mouth and lips. He didn’t notice his erection rubbing over and over again at Arthur’s. He crushed Arthur down into the hay and kept kissing him, his pre-come and Arthur’s dribbling all over each other. Merlin moaned when Arthur bucked his hips up, and Merlin ground his hips down.

His eyes blurred over at the constant wave of pleasure that coursed through him, and his body moved all on it’s own. His mind was lost in the kiss, and his body _needed_ Arthur. He rubbed against Arthur, thrusting again and again, until the pleasure was unbearable. Finally, with a sob, Merlin broke the kiss as he came all over Arthur. Arthur came right after. Merlin was shaking, his eyes still blurry and his mind even foggier.

Did he just--? NO, no no, why? Merlin was wrecked still from his orgasm, and he looked down at Arthur, who was laying panting in the straw. Merlin was getting another panic attack. He had to get out of there, _now._ He shook as he grabbed his clothes.

“Merlin..” Arthur said, taking his arm. Merlin hastily pried Arthur’s fingers off, not wanting any part of him. “Merlin,” Arthur said again, hoarsely, more desperate. Hurt was clear in his voice. “Please. Don’t go.”

Merlin froze, pausing to look back at his best friend. Arthur was looking at Merlin with huge, sad eyes. “I need you.” His voice was soft and quiet and pleading. “I know I’m the last to talk, but. Please don’t fuck me like that and then just.. run away.”

Merlin stared into his eyes, feeling his heart melting away piece by piece. Arthur was just going to take it all, wasn’t he? Arthur was going to strip everything from Merlin, until he had nothing left for himself.

“At least pretend you want me,” Arthur whispered, sounding crushed as he put an arm over his eyes.  

Merlin’s heart was thudding in his chest. In a flash, he found himself back by Arthur’s side again. He couldn’t even remember consciously making the decision to move his legs. “I do want you, you clotpole.”

Arthur removed his arm from his eyes, looking up at Merlin hopefully. “You were going to leave.”

Merlin took Arthur in a desperate hug and entwined their legs together. Arthur leaned into the embrace, breathing Merlin in deeply, and pushed his head into Merlin’s chest.

“Merlin, I love you.” He wrapped an arm around Merlin’s waist, and somehow he looked smaller than he’d ever looked. Merlin leaned down and kissed Arthur on the cheek, tightening his hold.

“I love you too Arthur, and I’ll never walk away from you. Not really.” Merlin whispered the last two words. It was hard to believe that this had been the day he’d planned on leaving his best friend forever. Friends didn’t leave friends.

“Arthur, you’re my entire world.”

Arthur smiled, his eyes closed. Merlin rolled onto his belly and watched Arthur, leaning in as close as he could.

“I didn’t know that,” Arthur said at last. He opened his eyes to watch Merlin curiously. “Is that what you say to all your best friends?”

“That’s what I say to you,” Merlin whispered. “Just you.”

Merlin grabbed at a nearby raggedy blanket and wrapped it around them. Arthur stared at him a while longer.

“Stay with me forever?” Arthur asked shyly, braiding his hand with Merlin’s.

Holding hands with Arthur was one of his favorite things in the entire world.

“Yes.”

Merlin said this with absolution and no hesitation. Like it was something he’d always known to be true. Like it just was, and nothing could ever change it.

Arthur’s perfect face cracked into the most beautiful, relieved smile, and Merlin had to chuckle to himself.

They fell asleep soon after that, and Merlin couldn’t help thinking that falling asleep with Arthur was definitely up there with holding hands.

The next morning, Arthur delivered Merlin back to his parents. When he walked in, he saw that they were in the middle of having breakfast, but Hunith stood up immediately.

“Merlin, where have you been? Your father and I were worried sick about you. You just walked away and we didn’t know what happened to you. And you didn’t come home yesterday.”

Merlin bit his lip, feeling suddenly very guilty. He’d failed them, he knew that. “Mum, dad, you didn’t have to worry. I, erm, I spent the night somewhere else.” He fidgeted in place, eyes everywhere but at them. He knew he smelled of sex again, which wasn’t an unusual thing, but now that his parents knew the real circumstances, it was so much more humiliating.

They stared at him as if he were crazy. Crazy for staying in such a situation when he had a clear way out. And crazy for saying that he loved Arthur.

“I’m going to take a bath,” he muttered, hurrying away from them. He needed to wash the smell off. It was everywhere-- in his hair, clothes, ears, basically marinated into his skin. He shivered as he washed, scrubbing himself raw. He hated the smell of sex. It made him want to peel off all his skin and just burn it all.

Once he got out and dressed, Merlin awkwardly trudged into the tiny kitchen, wishing he could be invisible (note to self: get to work on that spell). Hunith already had his oatmeal set on the table for him, and Merlin ate quickly.

She watched him for a bit, then sat on the kitchen bench with him, placing a gentle hand on his arm. “Eat slower, honey, you’ll upset your stomach.”

Merlin nodded, not looking at her. “Sorry.”

He continued eating, this time, much too slowly apparently, because he thought he heard his mother sigh exasperatedly.

After a long moment, she finally spoke. “You don’t have to live like this.”

Merlin flinched. _Here it goes_. The lecturing he knew he probably needed.

“You may love Arthur, but does he love you? The way he treats you is _not_ the way you treat your loved ones.”

Merlin looked down at his half empty bowl, then up at his mother. “He loves me in his own way, mum. His own stupid, prattish, imbecilic way.”

Hunith ran her hand down Merlin’s cheek and ears. “Do you truly believe that?”

Merlin managed a small smile. “Yes.” He looked down again. “I’m his, all his to do with as he wishes.”

_I may not like what he does with me, I may downright hate it, but I’m his forever, and I can’t walk away. Not anymore. I’m in too deep._

Merlin’s eyes began to redden. _How can I walk away when it feels like he’s literally my other half? When it feels like I was put here for him, and him only?_

Another year passed.

Merlin was nineteen. Arthur was twenty four.

Merlin walked out from behind the bath curtain in Arthur’s room, a small white towel around his waist, and another towel in his hands, drying his hair off.

Arthur lay on the bed, shirtless and eyeing him up and down. Merlin’s semi-wet hair stuck up in all the right places and his slim body was toned and muscled. “You really are all grown up, aren’t you Merlin?”

Merlin grinned. “I’ve been grown for a few years now.”

Arthur cocked his head, still looking speculative. “No, you’ve gotten more muscle on you now. You used to be a stick.”

Merlin beamed. “Thanks for noticing. I’ve been working on them.”

“Have you?” Arthur raised an unbelieving eyebrow.

“‘Course,” Merlin said, pulling a face. “You’re not the only one who bothers about staying in shape around here.”

Arthur scowled, getting up.

Immediately Merlin stiffened and turned away, trying to find some clothing in the wardrobe as fast as possible. Arthur grabbed his arm and spun him around. Merlin smiled playfully but avoided eye contact. Arthur must’ve sensed his distress though, because he sighed. “Don’t worry, I just want to see your muscles in the light.” The Prince was obviously trying hard to keep from eye rolling.

Merlin begrudgingly allowed himself to be pulled away from the wardrobe.

“You’re very beautiful,” Arthur said, running his hands down Merlin’s chest, feeling all the relatively new muscles underneath his skin.

Merlin didn’t speak, holding his breath instead. Arthur ran light fingers down Merlin’s abs, then traced the dark trail of hair on his belly. Merlin stiffened and swallowed, biting the bottom of his lip as he tried not to shiver. Arthur traced the hair all the way down until the towel met his fingers. Merlin’s cock was doing a number, and bulged out of his towel, straining to poke out onto his belly, but Merlin didn’t allow that, pulling his towel taut instead. Arthur stared at the bulge hungrily, and Merlin looked away, ashamed. He lightly pulled away from his best friend’s grasp and turned towards the wardrobe again, but Arthur hooked an arm around his belly, and Merlin whimpered. “Merlin, I want you to masterbate for me.”

His eyes widened. “No, no way. You’re out of your mind.” He tried to pull free, but Arthur was already roughhousing him towards the bed. “Nnngh!” Merlin protested, struggling to keep his towel on. When they got to the bed, Arthur shoved him onto the mattress and grabbed at the towel. The two had a brief tug-of-war before Arthur finally yanked it completely out of Merlin’s grasp and made a point to fling it all the way across the room. He gave Merlin a pointed look, and Merlin scoffed loudly, though his cock was already seriously hard and yearning for a warm body.

“Okay, start,” Arthur said, waving a hand at Merlin and sitting criss-cross-apple-sauced on the bed.

“What, just like that?” Merlin asked, his face reddening.

“Yeah, just pretend I’m not here.”

Arthur’s damn smile seemed to be widening all the more every second and Merlin had a mind to just slap it right off his achingly perfect face. Instead, he opted for something a little less likely to get him thrown in the stocks.

“Well, okay,” Merlin said, matter of factly getting off the bed and fetching his towel.

 _“Where_ are you going?” Arthur demanded.

“Well, since that bane of my life Arthur Pendragon isn’t here, I’ll just get dressed and--”

 _“Mer_ lin, get over here!” Arthur chucked a pillow at his head.

“Ow! Where did that come from?” Merlin rubbed at the spot it had hit, and then grabbed a shirt.

“PUT THAT DOWN!!” Arthur shot over, promptly tackling Merlin. The younger man yelped in shock as his face smushed awkwardly into the wall, and then Arthur ripped the shirt out of Merlin’s hands and bit his neck, _hard._

That was totally unexpected, so Merlin couldn’t really blame himself for making a noise like a startled goat and, at the same time, smacking Arthur right across the face. The slap was almost as loud as his shriek.

“FUCK!” Arthur shouted. He groaned as he slid off naked Merlin and onto the floor. Merlin’s eyes widened and he had to hold back a guffaw. He hastily put his towel back on and bent down, holding Arthur’s face in both hands.

“Let me see, I’m so sorry!” Merlin said between bouts of laughter. Ooh, yes, it was very bad. There was actually a distinct impression of his hand on Arthur’s face.

“This isn’t funny,” Arthur spat, though he was already beginning to go lax with Merlin’s gentle touch.

“You deserved it, you know, for acting like me putting on some clothes was the worst thing in the entire world.” Merlin cleared his throat as he tried not to laugh.

Arthur roughly shoved Merlin away, going back towards his bed. “Get over here,” he huffed as he sank into his mattress. Merlin grinned and walked over, looking far too happy for the present situation. Arthur rolled his eyes.

In his joyous mood, Merlin plopped right down on Arthur’s lap. If Arthur began blushing furiously, Merlin didn’t notice. Merlin hugged his neck instead and nuzzled into the burned cheek, placing multiple, fluttering kisses on it.

“Sorry, sorry,” Merlin murmured all the while, his voice a little more serious than before (well, ok fine, he still sounded like he wanted to laugh himself into tomorrow, but he tried, for Arthur’s sake). “I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.”

Merlin shifted back to look Arthur in the face. Arthur was smiling contentedly now, large blue eyes wide with affection as he basked in Merlin’s attentions.

“I know,” the Prince said softly, leaning his face into Merlin’s. Merlin chuckled quietly and touched their noses together. This time it was his turn to blush.

They stayed that way a moment more, reveling in each other’s touch and warmth, before Arthur inevitably pushed Merlin off his lap and onto the bed. “Now touch yourself.”

Merlin opened his mouth to protest, but Arthur put a finger up. “And _don’t_ be a smartass this time.”

Merlin jut his lips out in a frown. “I don’t touch myself.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Merlin, everyone touches themselves.”

“Not me,” Merlin said, looking up at the ceiling.

“Well then, start!” Arthur said, exasperated.

“It’s gross,” Merlin said, fidgeting on his bottom.

“You. Will. Touch. Yourself,” Arthur glowered, yanking the towel right out from under him and putting Merlin’s hand on his cock.

Merlin grumbled angrily. “Fine, _fine!_ You’re such a prat!” He grabbed his cock and began jacking off, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at Arthur watching him doing something so humiliating. His mind went blank the moment he shut his eyes, and jacking off really didn’t feel like anything to him. He internally scoffed. This was what everyone did in their free time? What a joke. It felt… well, that’s the thing, it didn’t _feel_ like anything.

After a while longer, Arthur spoke. “You’re not getting hard.”

Merlin opened one eye. “Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, I know.”

“Why not?” Arthur looked baffled.

Merlin shrugged, his lips curling up into a triumphant grin. “I don’t know, how _do_ you get off on this? I don’t understand.” Merlin continued at it, closing his eyes and humming. He didn’t feel a thing, and that was completely alright with him.

“What are you thinking about?” Arthur pressed, sounding torn between being angry and being too puzzled to be upset.

“Um. Nothing,” Merlin replied, continuing humming with his eyes closed.

Arthur shifted on the bed. “Can you… think of.. me?” he asked.

Merlin opened both eyes and looked at him, hands still jerking lazily up and down on his slender cock. For a moment it seemed he was going to ignore Arthur, but then he at last nodded warily, cautiously. “Okay.” He shut his eyes again, this time picturing Arthur. He imagined Arthur’s pretty face and blue eyes. Merlin smiled. Arthur was very pretty, wasn’t he? Merlin thought about everything Arthur meant to him and how much he loved him. _“What_ are you thinking about now?” Arthur groaned.

Merlin opened his eyes. “I’m thinking about you!” he glared. “What else?”

“You’re still not hard!” Arthur glared, as if this was entirely Merlin’s fault. “It’s no fun watching your cock do absolutely _nothing.”_

“Good, then this is officially my new favorite sexual activity to do with you,” Merlin grinned.

“Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur crossed his arms impatiently. “Continue.” He waved a hand.

Merlin shrugged and did what he was told.

After a little while longer, Merlin groaned. “Can I stop? My hand is getting tired, and I’m bored.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Keep at it.”

“Fine, but I’m switching hands!”

“Fine!” Arthur huffed.

Merlin did switch hands, and shut his eyes again. This time he felt the bed shift, and then he felt the heat of Arthur behind him. “Arthur, what are you doing?” he asked, eyes still closed.

“Don’t stop moving,” Arthur commanded.

Merlin nodded, though now he was starting to get apprehensive. Suddenly Arthur’s lips were on his neck, and he sucked in a deep breath, biting his lips. He also noticed his cock had immediately hardened. Merlin could feel Arthur’s smile. The prat had noticed, too. Of course he would.

“Keep going,” Arthur murmured. Merlin did, and Arthur continued sucking at his neck, moving down to his shoulders.

Merlin whimpered softly, leaning away from Arthur’s intoxicating kisses. Arthur was not one to be deterred, and he kept at it, kissing Merlin’s ears now, and then sucking on his cheeks. Merlin’s hand moved at a steadying pace on his cock, which was beginning to leak now.

Then, abruptly, Arthur pulled away. Instead of kissing, Arthur was now whispering obscene things in Merlin’s ear. Merlin couldn’t get the images of what Arthur was saying out of his head. His hand moved faster on his cock. Arthur wouldn’t shut up. Then Arthur moaned and suckled on Merlin again, and Merlin was panting hard, biting on his free hand to keep himself quiet.

Arthur moved away from him, and he heard the slippery sounds of Arthur’s hand moving up and down on his own wet cock. Merlin groaned. Oh no. Arthur was jacking off too. The smell of sex was beginning to dizzy him. “Open your eyes and look at me,” Arthur said, his voice low.

Merlin’s eyes snapped open. The sight of Arthur was truly one to behold. Arthur looked a naked, wrecked mess, tugging at his cock furiously and still managing to smirk at Merlin. Merlin held his gaze, tugging on himself and not being able to look away. “Arthur,” he panted helplessly. Arthur got up in a flash and pinned Merlin to the bed. Merlin whined, making a high-pitched noise as he struggled and writhed up against Arthur. Merlin didn’t know what he was trying to do. His body just felt warm and hot all over, and he needed Arthur. Merlin rutted up a couple times, his eyes glazed over. He blinked, trying to clear his head, but it was impossible with Arthur’s naked form straddling his own naked body. “Arthur, I’m so hard,” Merlin nearly sobbed.

“Do you want me to fuck you?” Arthur asked, grinding down into him.

“Yes!” Merlin cried, before realizing what he’d said. Ignoring the way Arthur’s eyes immediately darkened, Merlin shook his head to hastily correct himself. “Uhh, no, no, Arthur, Arthur, just let me finish myself off,” he begged quietly, clutching at Arthur’s wrists. His hips bucked up involuntarily and he squirmed onto his belly as he panted harshly.

Merlin buried his face into the mattress and cried. He was back in a nightmare. Another panic attack. His heart boomed too loudly in his ears and he felt his world tipping upside down. Tears rolled down his face as he sobbed, and Arthur finally got off him. Merlin kept his face in the mattress for what felt like forever, trying to stop the tears and calm down. Did Arthur actually stop? Or was this a trick? Merlin slowly raised his head up to look at Arthur. Arthur was sitting, frowning down at him. Shakily, Merlin got up. “I said, yes, you can finish yourself off,” Arthur repeated. Apparently, in his distress, Merlin hadn’t heard him the first time.

“I-I don’t feel like it anymore,” he said. The panic attack had completely softened his cock. When Arthur narrowed his eyes, Merlin nearly jumped out of his skin. “NO!” He threw his hands up, urgently motioning for Arthur to stay where he was.

Arthur raised an eyebrow.

“No..” Merlin breathed, trembling. “Don’t. Don’t come over. I’ll, I’ll do it, I’ll wank myself off, just, please, don’t move.”

Arthur raised up his hands defensively. “Goodness _sakes_ Merlin, I won’t come over there.”

Merlin continued taking deep breaths, then took ahold of his cock again. Okay, he was going to get this over with. Fast. He jerked quickly, shutting his eyes and thinking about Arthur. He thought about Arthur shoving him down into the mattress and fucking the hell out of him. He thought about Arthur’s moans and all the little sounds he made when they rolled around on the bed all night long. He thought about Arthur’s cock, and the way it felt in his mouth. His cock in Arthur’s. Fuck, Arthur’s hand on his cock. Finally Merlin arched his spine and came, moaning Arthur’s name in the process.

When he opened his eyes, Arthur was staring at him, wide-eyed.

“You were thinking about _me?”_ Arthur breathed, sounding incredulous and in awe.

Merlin would have laughed out loud if he hadn’t been feeling like slitting his own throat right then. “Who else would I think about?” he snapped.

Then it hit him.

A _girl._ He could have been thinking about a girl. He _should_ have been thinking about a girl. “What have you turned me into?” he screamed, kicking Arthur right off the bed. Arthur cried out in shock, and then cried out again when Merlin stepped on him in his haste to grab something to cover himself.

Merlin grabbed a wool blanket and flung the chamber doors open, running off and leaving a completely baffled and hurt Arthur on the floor.

Merlin flew down the dark halls and found himself at the library. Running in, he didn’t stop until he got to the most secluded part of it. If Arthur dared follow him in here, so help him, he was going to murder the guy.

Merlin slumped down behind a bookshelf and wrapped the blanket around his shaking body. Then he started to cry.

Merlin was utterly confused and disgusted with himself. Why the fuck did thinking about Arthur doing all that to him turn him on _so much?_ Was he really that sick and depraved?

 _He’s my best friend! And I thought of him that way, and he’s another man! And he’s my rapist!_ Merlin was sobbing quietly to himself, in awe of how fucked up his life was.

Screw it. He took out his cock and jerked viciously, forcing himself to think about a pretty girl and doing things with her. Immediately he felt revolted. “C’mon, fucking get off on this!” he growled. He kept thinking about it, the sex, and suddenly his thoughts turned into him raping her and forcing her down. His hand immediately flew off his cock as he cried out in terror.

“No! Arthur! What’ve you done to me!” Merlin slammed his head into the bookshelf over and over again, screaming and crying.

“Merlin! _Merlin!”_ Arthur’s voice was panicked as he rushed to Merlin’s side. “Merlin, stop it!” Arthur shouted, shaking him roughly.

“Why is it you! _Why is it always you!_ You’ve taken everything from me!” Merlin screamed, trying to shake out of Arthur’s hold. “Get away from me! Stop! You’re always getting inside my FUCKING HEAD, don’t you get that? You’ve fucking ruined me, you’ve ruined _everything!”_

“Merlin!” Arthur was crying now, staring at Merlin in horror.

“I love you, I love you,” Merlin cried, grabbing onto Arthur and slipping beautiful tender kisses all along his neck. Arthur stiffened and choked back a sob. “I love you and that’s the problem.” Merlin’s naked body was rutting against him now, rutting like crazy, and Arthur sat there like a statue until Merlin came. And then Merlin cried harder, like he couldn’t believe he’d just done that. Merlin rolled over and started bashing his head against the ground, mumbling about how much he loved Arthur.

“Stop it!” Arthur yanked Merlin up and forced him to look at him. Merlin looked up meekly into his best friend’s too familiar blue eyes. Arthur looked more broken than Merlin ever saw him, and Merlin’s heart broke for him. “Arthur, it’s okay,” he said, touching the bruise on Arthur’s cheek. “I’ll never leave you.”

Arthur buried his face in Merlin’s neck, and the two cried together.

That night, Arthur raped him over and over. He eventually lost track of how many times.

And Merlin never stopped crying.

When they woke up, it was already late in the afternoon. Arthur decided that, after the rough night, fresh air would do Merlin some good. So that afternoon (or what was left of it) was spent walking in cotton fields together.

“Arthur, look,” Merlin said, goofily sticking tufts of cotton in his nose and ears. “Help me! I’m bleeding cotton! Gah! I’m going to dieeee!!!!!!” Merlin fell face-flat onto the ground, crushing everything on his way down.

That sent the two spiraling off into their own little world of the cotton zombie apocalypse. They tumbled and wrestled and laughed and joked, poking fun at each other and occasionally holding hands.

Merlin walked up to Arthur, and for no reason in particular, hugged him in a full embrace. His stomach felt queasy when he got a giant whiff of sex still in Arthur’s hair.

For a moment the memories from last night came flooding back. His screams, crying, Arthur forcing him down for the hundredth time that night. He remembered at one point, the screams got so loud that a couple of guards rushed in, only to hastily retreat when they saw who it was. He remembered every single time Arthur raped him that night. Shame scorched him when he remembered how he’d orgasmed every time. And the pure terror of being woken up again and again to be raped. Arthur had never fucked him that many times in one night, ever. He remembered sobbing and begging for Arthur to stop, but Arthur had been relentless. He’d wanted to kill himself then. He’d wanted to end it all.

Arthur kissed him, and Merlin blinked, forcing himself to stop thinking about last night. He reasoned that it was had been a one-time thing (or at least a rare occurrence-- he could never be too sure with Arthur). And besides, Arthur was his best friend. Best friends had to forgive each other.

Merlin moaned into the kiss. After last night, he was particularly sensitive and couldn’t hold back. He knew Arthur could sense this.

Arthur fondled with his shirt, sliding his large hands up and down Merlin’s chest and stomach. Merlin panted, his cock hard and already leaking in his trousers. Merlin kept kissing him breathlessly as Arthur pushed him down into a soft patch of grass away from the cotton stalks.

“Nnn.. Arthur,” Merlin breathed, helplessly trying to push Arthur away. Arthur ignored him completely and ground down on Merlin’s cock with his own. Merlin nearly choked on his spit and whimpered softly, squeezing his eyes shut as the pleasure shot through his entire body. More, he needed-- oh, what was he thinking? Merlin shook his head to clear his mind.

He pulled his lips away from Arthur’s and moaned loudly when Arthur thrust his hips sharply. “Arthur!” Arthur kept moving, and Merlin fell back onto the grass, his feet planted on the ground and his legs spread wide. Arthur kissed Merlin’s neck and pushed his shirt up, kissing down his extremely sensitive stomach and sucking down the dark trail of short hair. Merlin sucked in a breath. This was going to be a repeat of last night. Of every night. Of every day. A tear rolled down Merlin’s cheek and he looked up into the sky.

The sky was so bright and beautiful, spotted with such fluffy white clouds. He could see the sun shining, and a few birds were flying easily in the breeze. It was all so beautiful up there, when here he was, in the grass, about to be ravaged by his crazed best friend. “I wish I was the sky,” he said out loud, his voice sounding distant and far away to his own ears.

Arthur had been sucking at his hips, but when he spoke, the Prince stopped and looked up at him. “And why is that?” he asked quietly.

Merlin kept his eyes on the sky, unable to look at him. “So I can always be with you without you ever being able to hurt me,” he whispered, barely audible. He was suddenly aware that tears were leaking from his eyes now.

Arthur stared at him for a long minute, then moved up from his hips to wrap both arms around his waist, tucking his head under Merlin’s chin. “Thank you for.. everything,” Arthur said, his voice low and almost sad.

Merlin looked down at him, seeing only the top of Arthur’s head. He ran his fingers through Arthur’s soft hair, sighing. Arthur continued laying there, letting the summer breeze sweep over them.

Eventually Arthur fell asleep, leaving Merlin to continue carding his fingers through his hair and staring up at the sky.  

A few days later, Merlin was alone in his room, tossing and turning. He couldn’t sleep, and… well, fine, whatever, he was horny. But it was definitely _not_ because Arthur had fucked him right before sending him back to his room, and definitely _not_ because it was all still running vibrantly clear through his head. He’d been alone for well over an hour now, and he couldn’t actually still be horny thinking about _that,_ right?  

Merlin groaned, crushing his pillow over his head. No, he _shouldn’t_ still be thinking about it, but the images were driving him absolutely mad. And the memory of Arthur’s panting and moaning. It was so vibrant he felt like someone had stuck the memory in his head, forced it on repeat, and then turned the volume all the way up. “Stop it, just shut up!” he hissed to himself as he pulled the covers up over his head.

Damn, he was so horny. His cock was throbbing. Merlin kicked his sheets to the side to look down at himself. He could see the shape of his cock clearly through his trousers. He’d only ever masterbated that one time with Arthur...

No, he wouldn’t do it, he’d never forgive himself if he did.

Merlin flipped over onto his belly, trying to think of something else, but it was no use. His cock continued to throb, and Merlin caught himself humping idly at the mattress. He could still feel his best friend’s cock in his arse, the way Arthur’s strong arms felt around his stomach as he held him up. How their orgasms had completely wrecked them both. Merlin groaned into the pillow. He was so incredibly turned on.

Merlin flipped to his back again, an arm over his eyes as he tried to calm himself down. But his cock was thinking about other things, and it continued to stay erect, begging for his attention. Merlin finally grabbed his pillow and rubbed it over his throbbing length briefly but roughly, just to try to tone down the ache. It didn’t work, and he tossed the pillow towards his feet. Shit, he needed Arthur. He was so horny. Ugh, what was he thinking? He hated being horny because then he thought things he didn’t really want.

Finally, after about another hour of laying there completely too horny to think, Merlin sat up and grabbed at his cock, yanking it furiously, up and down. He shut his eyes and tried his hardest not to think of anything, but inevitably, with his mind turned on as fuck, he thought of how Arthur had forced him down and fucked him until he screamed. Merlin’s eyes shut tight and he moaned, panting. After a couple more strokes, Merlin took his free hand and swiped at his juices, sucking on his sticky fingers. He moaned as he imagined that it was Arthur’s cock instead. This finally drove him over the edge, his come spurting wildly all over himself and his bed. Gasping, Merlin fell back onto the mattress.

When he came to his senses, he turned onto his stomach and groaned loudly into the bed. He swiped disgustedly at some come that he had on his face. Did he really just masterabate to the memory of his last rape session? Merlin groaned again, pushing his face further into the mattress.

Gross, _he_ was gross, he was disgusting and Arthur was turning him into just as big of a pervert as he was. Merlin shook. He was furious at himself and morbidly disgusted and ashamed. He’d never felt the need to touch himself before. Why the hell did he do it just then? Was that time Arthur had forced him to masterbate coming back to haunt him? Had he really been so turned on by it that he’d felt the subconscious need to have a fucking repeat? And why the hell did Arthur turn him on so badly anyway? Arthur was a man and his best friend. Everyone knew how wrong that was. And besides, Merlin was straight! His anger and disgust threatened to overwhelm him, and he choked back a sob.

He buried his head in the mattress and eventually fell into a restless sleep. That night, he dreamed about his life back before Arthur or the Great Purge. Back when he didn’t have a care in the world.

 

It’d been months since that night, and Merlin couldn’t stop. Whenever he was alone at night, which was once or twice a week (when Arthur didn’t feel the need to hijack his bed or force Merlin to sleep in his chambers), he jerked himself off to his last sexual encounter with Arthur. It seemed the devastation he felt afterwards was never enough to stop him from starting. He just got so horny, and his cock was right there. He tried to resist, but in the end, he would always find himself giving in.

Merlin couldn’t understand it. He truly _did_ hate having sex with Arthur. But why did he turn right around and masterbate to it later? What the actual fuck? Did some depraved part of him actually _like_ Arthur fucking his big cock into him? Merlin refused to believe it. _I’m not some wanton whore._

As he lay in bed pondering all this, Merlin found himself circling the tip of his cock idly with his thumb. Again he tried to resist, but like all those other times before, he found himself giving in and wanking off wildly to Arthur. Right before sending him to bed, Arthur had rubbed their naked cocks together as they kissed and sucked at each other. Arthur didn’t go inside him that time. Merlin whimpered as he pulled on himself, thinking about how it would’ve felt if Arthur _had_ gone in.

Eyes shut tight, Merlin moaned as he stuck a finger inside his arse. He fucked his finger in and out of himself, then put in another finger, and another. “Fuck, Arthur, harder, _harder,”_ Merlin moaned, speaking the words he never dared say to Arthur. Merlin whined breathily and leaned deeper into his pillow. His fingers had begun moving in and out at an alarming pace, and he continued jerking at his cock, crying out Arthur’s name over and over. He was getting so close, so--. _Clink._ Merlin’s eyes flung open. Of course it was Arthur standing in the doorway. Fuck his life to hell. If it wasn’t clear before, it was blatantly obvious now that the universe hated his guts.

Arthur’s eyes looked like they were about pop out of their sockets, and Merlin really couldn’t blame him. He was _beyond humiliated_. His life was over. Merlin’s sticky fingers made a disgusting noise as they popped out of his arse.

Arthur was on him in an instant, and Merlin bit his lip, eyes glazing over at Arthur’s sudden proximity. Merlin was still so hard, fuck, he had been about to _orgasm_ before he heard Arthur.

“This is what you like to do in your free time?” Arthur hissed in his ear, rocking his clothed cock back and forth on Merlin’s bare belly. Merlin was too mortified to even begin to form a response in his head. _And he was so hard._ He needed to finish himself off. Now.

Then Arthur spoke again, mimicking him. “Arthur, Arthur, harder, harder, fuck me, Arthur. I need your cock, harder, just like that, fuck, _Arthur.”_

Merlin shook his head in horror, shame coursing through him and paralyzing him to the core as he began to cry. “No... No, _no!”_ he managed, crying hard as he tried to shove Arthur off.

Arthur grabbed him and angrily wrestled him back onto the bed. “I’ll help you finish Merlin, and you better fucking _beg for it,_ or I will fuck you up.” Arthur spat the words quickly and roughly, beginning to undress himself.

“Arthur, you don’t understand!” Merlin screamed, gurgling when Arthur’s free hand choked him back onto the pillow.

“Oh _I understand._ I understand that I didn’t stick my cock in you earlier so you had to go do it your fucking self. Well don’t worry, Merlin, you’re my _best friend_ and I couldn’t leave you like that. You’ll feel so much better when I’m done with you.”

Merlin shook his head, tears streaming down his delicate face. He was sobbing now, kicking at Arthur with all his might, but it was no use. The Prince was the best fighter in all the lands, and Merlin stood no chance.

When Arthur ripped off the last of their clothing, he rammed into Merlin, hard. Merlin shrieked, arching his back as he felt excruciating pain rip through his entire body. Sex hadn’t been this painful in a very, very long time.

Arthur pounded deep into him, with Merlin on his back and able to do nothing but take the pain. “Arthur, stop you’re hurting me,” he sobbed.

Arthur ignored him and kept pounding, _ripping_ , into him. Merlin began going dizzy with pain, and he thought he would pass out. Eventually, his eyes rolled to the back of his head as he weakened. He turned his head turned towards the wall and just lay there under Arthur, feeling utterly defeated, pathetic, and ashamed.

Gradually, Merlin felt the physical torment subsiding, replaced by a soft feeling of pleasure. He blinked in surprise. The feeling grew quickly, and eventually the pain disappeared completely. Merlin rolled his head to the other side, breathing heavily, thankful.

Suddenly he felt rough hands on his chin, snapping his face to look up into Arthur’s own. “Am I still hurting you?” Arthur’s gaze was dark and unreadable. Merlin couldn’t tell if Arthur was asking this maliciously, or if he was really concerned.

Merlin struggled to respond, but when nothing came out, he decided it was easier to just shake his head from side to side. Arthur kissed his forehead then, sighing into him. “Good.” Merlin suddenly became aware that Arthur’s hips hadn’t stopped moving, and he shuddered, the feeling of blissful euphoria starting to take control completely. Why did this have to feel so good?

“Now fucking beg for it,” Arthur hissed, glowering as he moved his head back to Merlin’s neck.

Merlin shook his head, chills running down his spine as he realized how serious Arthur was about making him beg.

“C’mon,” Arthur growled, shaking him once. Merlin could feel his face heating up with tears again as he shook his head. “No, Arthur, I don’t want this!”

He was stunned when Arthur slapped him full-force in the face, then choked him again. “Merlin!” Arthur snapped.

Merlin’s eyes were wide. He was terrified. He knew he could be difficult for Arthur to deal with, but in all their time together, Arthur had never ever hit him like that. Or choked him.

His tears wouldn’t stop flowing as he finally nodded obediently and reluctantly. He was shaking.

“Good,” Arthur grunted, the frightening darkness on his face beginning to ebb a fraction. Arthur buried his face in Merlin’s neck again and continued sucking and kissing there. He also continued fucking hard into Merlin.

Merlin kept quiet for a few more seconds before he finally mustered up the strength to do what Arthur wanted of him.

“H-harder,” Merlin whispered, wiping at his eyes with one hand as he continued to cry. “Harder, faster.” More tears rolled down his cheeks. He was sobbing now.

_He didn’t want this._

Arthur did what Merlin said, and Merlin wrapped both arms around his neck for leverage. Arthur continued sucking at him, and Merlin moaned loudly, knowing that was what Arthur wanted to hear. They continued on like that, Arthur fucking him and Merlin pretending to want it.

To Merlin’s horror, he began to realize that the longer they fucked, the less fake his cries were becoming. He was getting so close now, and Arthur continued pumping his cock into him. Merlin panted loudly, “Arthur! Arthur, ah! Arthur I _need,_ I need your cock. In me.” Merlin was gasping for breath.

Arthur’s mouth roamed his chest and neck and cheek, and Merlin tugged him closer. Closer, he needed Arthur as close as possible. “Arthurrrrr,” he cried. The bed was rocking and Merlin was rocking, and Arthur was riding him and driving his hips into him roughly, and Merlin really did need Arthur. Panting and whining, Merlin whimpered, “Arthur! Yes, like that! Fuck, in me, Arthur, get in me. Ah! I need you inside. Need your cock.”

The begging came so naturally that it truly frightened him. Because when had he stopped having to pretend? He feared that this was all too real. Did he actually _want_ this? The pit in his stomach was opening ever wider, and he was afraid it would open so wide that it’d swallow him up completely. Before he could think anymore on it, Arthur moaned loudly and moved his lips from Merlin’s neck to finally take his mouth. Merlin took it hungrily, smashing their mouths and teeth together. All train of thought he had managed to hold on to were out the window.

Merlin couldn’t get enough of Arthur’s kiss. His hands came up from Arthur’s neck and he took Arthur’s face and hair, holding Arthur delicately and gently, kissing him fully. Merlin involuntarily bucked his hips up for even more friction, and Arthur drove himself rougher inside Merlin. Merlin moaned, eyes unable to stay open, reveling in the pure pleasure he was feeling. Arthur’s hands were holding him and roaming, and Merlin pressed into them, keening happily.

Yes, this was where he should be. Platonic or not, he was always meant to be in Arthur’s arms. He was always meant to be _with_ Arthur. This was why he could never leave. They were built for each other. It felt too right to be anything else.

Then Arthur came, his sticky, hot seed spilling and filling up all inside Merlin. Merlin gasped at the feeling of being claimed, of Arthur _owning_ him. At that thought, he finally came as well.  

Instead of rolling away like usual, Arthur continued kissing Merlin, lazily rubbing their cocks together and slowly riding him. Merlin moaned, long and low. Fuck, Arthur was so hot and sweaty and beautiful.

They carried on like this, kissing and rocking together languidly, deep into the night. And Merlin, like so many times before, thought about how much he didn’t want his best friend to leave him. Not ever.

The next morning, Merlin woke up curled in Arthur’s arms. Arthur was already awake and looking down at him with sleepy, soft eyes.

“Was yesterday enough for you, Merlin?” There was a hint of playful teasing in his voice.

Merlin swallowed, then nodded, face flushing. He refused to look Arthur in the eyes. “Yes, sire.”

Arthur shifted, trailing his fingers under the sheets and down Merlin’s stomach. “I thought you said you didn’t touch yourself.”

Merlin lay back down, feeling his cock already start to notice Arthur’s wandering hands. “I-I didn’t,” he said. He didn’t like this conversation.

Arthur’s eyes glimmered with interest. “So when did you start?”

Merlin swatted Arthur’s hand away (Arthur was about to touch his belly button, which was very close by to where his erect cock had found it’s way to, and he couldn’t have that). “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Merlin got up to leave, but of course Arthur flung him back down with a rough yank to his arm. “ _Mer_ lin. Tell me.”

“Do I have to tell you absolutely everything?” Merlin growled. “I can’t have one ounce of privacy! Goodness forbid, not even in my own head. You’ve invaded absolutely everything!” Merlin crossed his arms and stared defiantly at Arthur, glaring and huffing.

Arthur held his stare for a second, then gently ruffled Merlin’s soft black hair and smiled. “I’m your best friend Merlin, of course I get to invade everything.” His voice was warm, and he leaned in for another kiss. Merlin instinctively parted his mouth for Arthur’s tongue, sighing into it as they kissed. Arthur was _impossible._

And the way Arthur made him feel, Merlin couldn’t even begin to describe it. One second Merlin was enraged, the very next he was melting.

When they finally broke apart, Arthur’s face was flushed with affection, and he lay his chin down in Merlin’s lap, hugging Merlin’s legs with his big arms.

“So when did you start?” Arthur continued to press.

The temptation to run his fingers through his best friend’s hair was getting to be just a little too much, so Merlin did just that, feeling Arthur relax into his touch, like always.

Still buzzing from the kiss, Merlin mumbled, “I.. I started a few days after… after.” Okay, so this was pretty hard to admit out loud. “After the first time you made me do it.”

Arthur stayed quiet, which cued Merlin to keep going. “And that’s basically it,” he finished quickly, aiming to spare as many details as he possibly could.  

Arthur turned his face towards Merlin’s body and kissed up and down his cock. Merlin sucked in a breath and tried to remain calm.

“Do you always think of me when you do it?” Arthur asked, going slowly up and down his cock, sucking tiny little o’s into it while at the same time flicking his tongue along the soft flesh.

Merlin writhed a bit, straining to keep his voice steady. “Don’t be so full of yourself, of course not,” he lied. Despite his voice coming out low and strained and husky, he still thought it sounded much better than he’d expected it to sound. Apparently, Arthur didn’t think so. Merlin could feel the prat grinning against his cock. Merlin ground down on his jaw, a light blush coating his cheeks. Who cared what Arthur thought anyway?

“So, who else do you think about then?” Arthur asked, licking the leaking pre-come off Merlin’s cockhead. This caused Merlin’s eyes to droop considerably as he went lax with pleasure.

“Uhh, uhm.” Wow, it was becoming really hard to think. Merlin squeezed his eyes shut. “You and..” Arthur kept sucking. “You..” Merlin moaned, cutting his own sentence short.

“Me and me?” Arthur stopped sucking and grinned up at him, his blue eyes teasing and bright and tantalising.

At the absence of Arthur’s mouth on his cock, Merlin groaned louder than he should have and unthinkingly grabbed at Arthur’s hair, about to pull his mouth back to where it belonged, until his brain suddenly started working again and he managed to stop himself.

Arthur licked his lips and somehow managed to look even more turned on than he already had been (Merlin really didn’t know how that was possible, but Arthur was doing it).

“Sorry, did you want me to keep going?” Arthur asked hoarsely and seriously.

Merlin rapidly shook his head from side to side, thoroughly embarrassed, and promptly let go of Arthur’s hair. “No, no thanks,” Merlin said lamely.

Arthur rested his chin on his hands, which were resting on Merlin’s legs. “You know, it’s okay to want this,” he said, sweet eyes looking up at Merlin.

Merlin refused to look at him. “No, it’s not okay, and I _don’t_ want it. You just force it on me every day.”   

“Then why do you masterbate to it?”

Merlin stiffened, sudden anger and humiliation causing him to shove Arthur’s head roughly off his lap. Before he could say anything, Arthur sat up and spoke first.

“Do it again.”

“Do what?”

“Masterbate.”

“What?” Merlin nearly choked.

“In front of me, except I want you to put my fingers inside of yourself instead of your own.”

Merlin’s eyes widened in horror. What happened last night had been truly traumatizing. And now Arthur wanted him to do it _again?_ With _his_ fingers?

“No, please don’t make me do this, Arthur. Really, this is too much,” Merlin begged, suddenly wanting to hide. Where was his mum and dad? He suddenly found himself with an overwhelming need for them. He wanted to hide behind their legs, have them fend this predator that was Arthur Pendragon off for him. Feeling horribly helpless, he began trembling and wanted to cry. This was another panic attack, he knew. Merlin’s eyes brimmed with tears as his heart thudded rapidly against his chest. Everything was happening too fast. Merlin grabbed the blanket and wrapped it protectively over himself, shutting his eyes and curling up into a tight ball, wishing Arthur would just go away. He needed silence. Everything was too loud. His thoughts were too loud.

“Mum, dad... help me,” Merlin cried silently, clutching at the sheets and rocking back and forth.

Arthur hoisted him up into a sitting position, blanket and all.

“Merlin, why are you always crying?” he nearly demanded, making a face and wiping at Merlin’s eyes. Arthur kissed him on the top of his head and hugged him protectively, shushing him. Merlin cried into Arthur’s chest and continued mumbling about his parents.

“You’re such a child,” Arthur murmured quietly, after some time had passed. “What kind of grown man cries to his mum and dad?” Arthur asked this mostly to himself. His voice was laced with concern, like he was beginning to think something was seriously wrong with his best friend.

Merlin sniffled, blinking a couple times as he stared at Arthur’s chest. He was still trembling from his panic attack, and the old terror still gripped at him, making his limbs weak and numb. Arthur gently pried the blanket out of Merlin’s clammy hands, and Merlin lay down flat on his back, crying softly and waiting for Arthur to take him. He was too shattered at the moment to bother putting up a fight. Better to just lay himself down than have Arthur force him down.

When Arthur’s naked form climbed on top of him, Merlin only squirmed a little, too shell-shocked to do much else. However, with Arthur’s lean, hard body lying on his, hugging at him, Merlin’s entire being began to react, including his heart and his mind. It was like Arthur owned his very soul, every single part of it, and he was never going to give it back. Every single thing Arthur did just made Merlin _want._ He didn’t know a platonic love could go this deep, that a man could feel so much for his same-sex best friend. His mind was swimming and overflowing with his emotions.

“I love you,” Merlin croaked. Arthur turned his head and looked at him, eyes brimming with the weight of his own feelings. Arthur entwined their fingers, pressing gentle kisses down Merlin’s slender neck.

“And you know I love you too,” Arthur murmured.

“You show it in all the wrong ways,” Merlin huffed. Breathing was become harder.

Arthur stopped kissing Merlin’s neck and instead rested his head on Merlin’s chest. After a long moment, Merlin whispered, “Arthur, I don’t want you to ever leave me. Please don’t ever leave me.” He sounded frightened and small. “I’ve given my entire heart to you, Arthur Pendragon. Of all the terrible things you’ve ever done, of all the ways you’ve ever hurt me, if you leave me…” Merlin sucked in a breath, then went quiet, hesitant. “If you leave me, I’ll never forgive myself.”

Arthur tightened his grip on Merlin’s hand and took his mouth briefly in a rushed and desperate kiss.

“Merlin, why are you doing this?” His voice sounded cracked.

Merlin looked at him, surprise flickering on his face. “Arthur?”

Arthur buried his face in Merlin’s neck again.

“Merlin, I’ll never leave you. I promise, I’ll never leave you,” he whispered.

Merlin locked his free hand in Arthur’s golden hair.

“Good.”

He shut his eyes and exhaled. As long as Arthur was with him, he could bear anything.

Arthur shifted after a moment, getting on his hands and knees and whispering in Merlin’s ear. “Ready?”

Merlin swallowed, his cock twitching and his stomach churning. “I’m never ready,” he whispered truthfully, even quieter than Arthur had been.

Arthur rolled off him, and Merlin sat up, shivering.

When Merlin looked over at him, he couldn’t help thinking how Arthur looked utterly _perfect_. His short, golden hair was sticking up in tufts and his crooked smile was just the cutest little thing Merlin had ever seen in his entire life. Did men think this way about other men’s smiles? It seemed kind of.. _gay_. Merlin reasoned to himself that best friends didn’t count. Obviously.  

He couldn’t help breaking into a tiny smile of his own as he scooted closer to Arthur. Arthur’s expression turned more serious at Merlin’s proximity, but he was still smiling that silly, lop-sided grin of his.

Merlin inched close enough so that he could put both hands on each of Arthur’s sides, gazing into Arthur’s eyes. Arthur smiled brilliantly at him and grabbed his sides too, giving Merlin’s forehead a long, full kiss. Arthur’s warmth and smell was overwhelming, and Merlin leaned his entire upper body into Arthur. Arthur held him, and Merlin sighed happily.

“I love your smell.”

“Do you?” Arthur asked, grinning.

“Mhmm,” Merlin murmured, looking up at him and rubbing their noses together. “Treat me like a fair maiden, Arthur, and give me your jacket when you can’t be with me so I can always have your precious scent,” Merlin teased.

Arthur nodded seriously. “That’s a marvelous idea,” he breathed, kissing Merlin’s forehead again, both of them closing their eyes and savoring the moment. Then Arthur took Merlin’s hand and made him touch himself. Merlin opened his eyes and looked down at his groin, face reddening, though he only nodded his acceptance. Arthur wasn’t going to stop pushing for this. He really had no choice.

Arthur let go of his hand and watched, the two still sitting mere inches apart. “Do what you were doing last night, before you saw me,” Arthur said, voice low. “And think about me.”

Merlin bit his lip, nodding. This was going to be so embarrassing. He wanted to run away again, not doing so solely because Arthur would simply drag him back. Merlin tightened his hold on his cock, then shut his eyes, trying to make himself believe he was alone. That was no use, because even with his eyes shut, he could still feel Arthur’s warmth and hear Arthur’s quiet breathing. Merlin moved his hand up and down his length, eyes shut and imagining their fucking from last night. He soon began to feel extremely aroused, and he moaned.

“Arthur… Arthur…” Merlin was pulling furiously at his cock, and he yearned for Arthur’s instead. Snapping his eyes open, he saw Arthur sitting there, stiff as a rock, watching him with undisguised lust. Merlin remembered how Arthur had instructed him to use Arthur’s fingers, so Merlin grabbed at his friend’s hand, taking a finger and sticking it inside himself. Arthur groaned low, his cock sticking straight out and leaking.

Merlin shuddered when he felt Arthur’s finger inside him, and hated that _he_ was the one that had stuck it in there. Still, he felt a burning need for Arthur’s cock. The finger wasn’t enough. Remembering how Arthur had instructed him to talk dirty, Merlin panted raggedly, “Arthur, Arthur, I want your cock. Want it inside me.” He moaned, throwing his head back. “Want it.. so _bad.”_ Merlin stuck another of Arthur’s fingers inside him, fucking them in a craze, momentarily forgetting about touching his cock.

He had to keep repeating to himself over and over that he didn’t really mean what he said. No no, definitely didn’t mean it. He moaned again, low and desperate. He was doing this because Arthur had instructed him to, forced him. “Arthur, I want your cock..” Merlin shut his eyes tight, feeling Arthur’s warm fingers in him. It was the best feeling as he touched his cock and humped Arthur’s fingers, and Arthur was _right_ there. This was so much better than all those other times he wanked off alone. Here was Arthur, in the flesh, breathing hard and just as turned on as he was.

Arthur moaned, burying his head in Merlin’s neck. Merlin whined, turning his face to Arthur and kissing his head. “Arthur!” Merlin panted, his eyes completely glazed and blurred. “Nnngh,” Merlin was rutting his cock up against Arthur now. The Prince continued to stay still, only occasionally moaning.

Merlin sank on his back on the bed, and Arthur got up on his knees, one hand still in Merlin’s arse. Merlin’s eyes were shut as he moved Arthur’s fingers in and out of himself, imagining it was Arthur’s cock. Merlin pictured all those times Arthur fucked him deep and hard, long into the night. He pictured that and imagined Arthur was doing that to him now. And they were _Arthur’s_ fingers that were really inside of him. “Arthur, Arthur, I _need,”_ Merlin whimpered, pumping Arthur’s fingers in and out of him like a dildo. He was so fucking horny.

Merlin took Arthur’s other hand and wrapped it around Arthur’s own throbbing cock for a second. He made sure Arthur’s fingers were coated in pre-come, then took them in his mouth, sucking and imagining it was really Arthur’s cock. Merlin whined and moaned. He sucked all the come off Arthur’s fingers, licked them clean, and kept sucking, while at the same time driving Arthur’s fingers in and out of his arse.

Something at the back of his mind was screaming at him, telling him how disgusting he was being, and how sickening this was. But he shoved the thought away, telling himself that this was Arthur’s idea, and that he wasn’t gay, and that he was faking it.

After a while longer, this all got to be too much, too overwhelming. Merlin’s eyes popped open as he kicked Arthur’s fingers out of him and stopped sucking on his fingers. Arthur gasped at this, panting with his head hung low, finally giving in and resting his head on Merlin’s shoulder.

“Arthur, I _need_ you,” Merlin gasped, grabbing hurriedly at Arthur’s rock-hard cock. Arthur whined at Merlin’s touch, and then Merlin got up, on his knees, straddling Arthur’s lap, and hurriedly tried to get Arthur’s cock inside him. Merlin could feel Arthur’s hot cock in his hands, it was so warm. And leaking, and beautiful. The smell of sex was strong in the air, and Merlin nearly passed out with bliss.

He humped at Arthur’s belly while he tried to get Arthur into him. Once Merlin finally felt himself being filled up, it was like he couldn’t get enough. He sat on Arthur’s cock and ground down, hard. Arthur made a choking noise when he finally drove all the way inside Merlin.

Merlin rolled his hips, whimpering and moaning, rubbing his cock all along Arthur’s belly, smearing Arthur with his pre-come. Arthur’s eyes were half shut as he hugged into Merlin, licking and sucking along Merlin’s neck. “Arthur, _move._ Fuck me, Arthur, I need you to fuck me.” Merlin was whining, licking and sucking at Arthur’s face. Merlin’s kisses were sloppy and gross, but he didn’t care. At the moment, he just needed _Arthur._

Arthur, for his part, still looked shocked at the entire ordeal, like he couldn’t quite believe what Merlin had done, and was still doing. Finally, seeming to have recovered himself, Arthur grabbed Merlin’s wrists and quickly got Merlin on his back, holding his wrists above his head on the pillow.

Merlin was panting, his blue eyes wide open and staring into Arthur’s. _“What_ did you say?” Arthur asked, looking down at Merlin, his eyes completely blown wide with lust and disbelief.

Merlin could barely even register Arthur’s question, he was so horny. All he could think about was how much he wanted Arthur to _move_ , and how Arthur wasn’t moving. Merlin was breathing hard, his cock aching, begging to be touched. _“Fuck me,”_ Merlin gasped, shuddering.

That seemed to do it for Arthur. He went down on Merlin, fucking him harder than Merlin ever remembered being fucked in his life. Merlin threw his head back, crying out and moaning. He grabbed blindly at Arthur, his mind gone completely blank except for Arthur and everything Arthur. “Arthur, don’t stop, please don’t stop. Faster, unngh _Arthur…!”_ With every moan from Arthur, Merlin only got hornier, and Arthur kissed him everywhere. Merlin arched his body, longing to be one with his best friend. Arthur flipped him over and Merlin got on his hands and knees as he allowed Arthur to fuck him from behind. “Yes…..Arthur, Arthur, yes,” Merlin panted, arching his back and neck towards Arthur, needing Arthur inside him, _all_ the way inside him.

After a while, Merlin turned and pushed Arthur down onto his back and rode him instead, his cock in Arthur’s arse. Arthur panted and moaned loudly, and Merlin moaned too. He then licked his way down the trail of hair on Arthur’s belly, licking all the way down to Arthur’s large cock. Merlin hungrily took it all the way into his mouth. As he sucked, he couldn’t help feeling like this was what his mouth was _made_ to do. He sucked and licked and kissed the beautiful cock, massaging Arthur’s balls with a hand in the process.

Arthur gripped desperately at Merlin’s hair, and Merlin then moved his lips on to his balls, tasting them and putting them in his mouth, rolling his tongue over them. Arthur continued to moan, and Merlin licked at Arthur’s bellybutton, then sucked at his neck.

Merlin took both their cocks in his hand and wanked them off together, looking at Arthur with dark, seductive eyes. Arthur was still making obscene noises, but at Merlin’s expression, he bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut tight as he groaned in bliss instead.

Merlin panted, staring at Arthur all the while, unable to stop thinking about how much he needed that precious man underneath him. As Merlin kept going, Arthur opened his eyes again, and their eyes locked onto each other’s.

When they finally came, they came together, staring into each other’s eyes and panting, both wrecked. Merlin fell on him, kissing his mouth and grabbing everywhere.

They continued to fuck for what seemed like an eternity, Merlin completely too far gone to try to come to terms with what he was doing. They rolled around, orgasmed. Kept going, more orgasms.

The last thing on Merlin’s mind before he gave over to sleep was that he had loved every single second of it.

When they woke up, it was evening.

“Arthur!” Merlin yelped, sitting straight up. “We’ve just wasted all day in bed!” He grabbed at his clothes, hastily putting them on.

Arthur rolled over to look at Merlin, smiling sleepily. “Oh well. It was was worth it.”

“Your father is going to kill you if you keep at it like this,” Merlin scolded, slipping on his kerchief. Arthur got up and Merlin instinctively went over to help him dress.

“And we need to bathe,” Merlin said, making a face as he ran an affectionate hand through Arthur’s hair.

“Good idea, Merlin.” Arthur wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Merlin put up a finger to stop him and said quickly, “No no no, _separate_ baths.”

He moved to Arthur’s bed and yanked off the dirty, crusted sheets. “We can’t stay apart for longer than five minutes. It’s starting to freak me out,” he grumbled. “I’ll fetch new sheets.” Before Arthur reply, Merlin was out of there.

As he walked, he finally had time to think about what had happened that morning, and he felt himself searing with shame. He wasn’t gay, yet he’d felt himself wanting his best friend in _all_ the wrong ways. While pretending to be turned on, he’d somehow actually gotten so into it that he’d-- he’d actually taken Arthur’s.. cock, in his _hands_ , and actually.. _shoved it_ , up his own arse.

Merlin shook his head angrily, muttering to himself. This thing with Arthur was going too far. Arthur’s stupid (fucking weird) fixation with sex was seriously messing with his head. He knew sex didn’t mean anything for either of them. They were best friends, after all, and nothing could ever change that. Arthur was just a damn pervert, and as his best friend, Merlin knew it was his job to put up with it.

But. When was enough _enough?_

Sometimes Arthur actually… he actually made Merlin _question_ his sexuality. And that was going too far. His best friend’s stupid antics were really getting to him. Merlin could feel himself slipping into a part of him that he didn’t want to become. He didn’t want to have to touch himself at night because Arthur had aroused so thoroughly. He didn’t want his prick to nearly leap out of his trousers just because Arthur hugged him. And he didn’t want his mouth to go dry just because Arthur smiled at him a certain way. He didn’t want _any_ of this.

Merlin loved Arthur, he really did. He only wished Arthur would use someone else for his depraved sexual needs.

So much sex all the time, with the same person, even if that person _was_ his best friend, was beginning to mess with him. It was beginning to give him thoughts and desires he didn’t want, thoughts and desires he never knew he _could_ want. It was messing with his psyche, making him _confused._

As Merlin fetched new sheets and deposited the old ones, he made up his mind to do just that. He would convince Arthur to simply relieve his sexual needs elsewhere. Once that problem was resolved, Merlin would finally be able to breathe and just enjoy his best friend. They could put all this behind them forever.

The air was cool, and the sun was beginning to set, everything giving off a slightly blue hue. Merlin and Arthur had come out for a day of fun with Lancelot, Gwaine, Percival, Elyan, Morgana, Gwen, and Leon.

Near the end of the festivities, Arthur snuck off into the woods alone, and Merlin couldn’t let him do that, so of course he chased after him. This resulted in the odd pair walking side by side, holding hands and alone together on a hillside.

“Arthur, look, the fireflies are coming out,” Merlin beamed. Arthur looked unimpressed, and Merlin rolled his eyes. “They’re _beautiful,_ Arthur Pendragon.”

“Everything is beautiful to you, _Mer_ lin,” Arthur huffed, rolling his eyes right back.

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous of the fireflies,” Merlin teased as he continued looking up at them in awe.

Arthur laughed. “Please, I have no need to get petty over some glowing insects. I’m sure you’ve never seen a man quite as handsome as I am.”

Merlin swiveled his head quickly to look Arthur in the face, his eyes softening affectionately.

“You really are so beautiful,” Merlin breathed, pupils dilating as he took in Arthur’s chiseled jaw, shining golden hair, and giant baby blue eyes. When Arthur broke into a stupidly adorable grin, Merlin forgot how to breathe.

The two stared at each other for a while before Arthur broke the silence.

“Merlin, I love you,” he murmured, nodding once to Merlin and suddenly looking a little shy. It was Merlin’s turn to beam. Merlin went and sat down on the very top of the hill, the part where it plateaued and overlooked the woods. He rested his arms on his knees and looked at Arthur. “Sit down,” Merlin prompted, patting the spot next to him.

Arthur came and sat behind him instead, setting his legs on both sides of Merlin while hugging him and kissing his cheek. Merlin chuckled, melting into the kiss, but at the same time gently grabbing at Arthur’s hair in an effort to slow him down.

“Arthur, seriously, I need to talk to you about something,” he laughed, squealing when Arthur gave his neck a particularly loud raspberry, then proceeded to give him multiple more in the most ticklish areas of his neck. “S-stahp!!” Merlin laughed, nearly falling over himself as he squirmed. “It _tickles!”_ Merlin shoved at Arthur, turning to face him and falling onto his back in the process.

Once Merlin was down, Arthur began to suck at his neck, snaking a hand under his shirt to paw at his stomach and chest. Merlin couldn’t stop himself from uttering a low moan, his cock standing straight up. Eyes half-lidden, Merlin felt the scary, _awful_ , inescapable pleasure come creeping back full-force. He panted, feeling his face flush.

He wrapped his legs around Arthur’s waist, shoving his groin up into Arthur’s with one quick thrust. Arthur moaned, continuing his kissing, and that was when a foggy, muddled part of Merlin’s brain managed to relay to him that this was _not_ going to help with the conversation he was about to have with Arthur.

Fucking shit, he really needed to get ahold of himself. He was sickening, the way he craved his best friend. It was so completely unnatural. Not for the first time, Merlin wondered how others must view them. What would someone do if they saw them right now, dry-humping on a hill for everyone to see? They’d probably want to claw their own eyes out.

Panting, Merlin reached up in a failed attempt to shove Arthur away. “Hey, enough,” he tried, his voice soft and quiet. When Arthur thrust at him, he found himself bucking again. Merlin squeezed his eyes shut, violently fighting the urge to moan. Why did Arthur have to make it all feel so _good?_

After a moment, Arthur actually did stop, and he leaned their foreheads together, shocking blue eyes dancing with mirth. “You sure?” he panted, kissing Merlin’s cheek and making his way towards Merlin’s mouth. Merlin drew his face a few inches back, staring wistfully at Arthur’s awfully red lips.

He swallowed. “I was going to talk to you about something.”   

“What?” Arthur asked, giving Merlin a teasing bite to the ear. Merlin swallowed, trying to part himself completely from Arthur’s tantalizing touches. Arthur, that grabby bastard, kept pulling him back though. His warrior reflexes and quick hand-eye coordination gave him a completely unfair advantage. He saw the moment Merlin tried to inch away and would playfully drag him right back, rocking their clothed groins together. “So?” Arthur whispered in Merlin’s ear, his voice rough and low. “What did you want to talk about?” He trailed fingers down Merlin’s belly.

Merlin fidgeted, biting his lip as he tried not to react. “Well…” How to start? “Arthur, I was thinking, and--.” Arthur continued grinding down on him, driving Merlin completely nuts. Merlin angrily pushed Arthur down onto the grass, knowing he was only able to do so because Arthur let him do it, and straddled him. Merlin tried to look as irritated as possible but his arousal gave him away. Fuck his life.

“Arthur, listen, I think you should bed other people.” Merlin said this quickly, in case Arthur did something that would interrupt his train of thought again.  

Arthur raised an eyebrow.

“You’re joking.”

“No, nope, no joking,” Merlin confirmed, grinning down at his best friend.

“I don’t want to _bed_ other people, Merlin,” Arthur said, holding onto Merlin’s hips and clearly liking where Merlin was positioned.

“Why not? I’m sure they’d all be better in bed than me. More willing, for one,” Merlin said, rolling off him. Arthur continued to lay in the grass, his eyes never leaving Merlin, as Merlin continued, “I know I’m your best friend, but having sex with others would be just as pleasurable for you, if not more. Or you could see Gaius. Maybe he has a treatment for your… disorder, whatever it is.”

Arthur looked at Merlin like he’d just grown a second head. “My _what?”_

“Disorder. You know, like a psychological issue?” Merlin lay on his back in the grass, head on Arthur’s stomach. “One that’s causing you to crave an unhealthy amount of sex.”

“My sex drive isn’t _that_ high,” Arthur scoffed indignantly, putting his arms behind his head.

It was Merlin’s turn to raise an eyebrow, propping himself up to look at Arthur. _“Don’t_ even get me started, Arthur. You need sex so much, you grab the next person closest to you, which always happens to be me by the way, and have sex with said person multiple times a day. I think that calls for professional help.”

“I _don’t_ need help. That tiny little brain of yours might have forgotten by now, but it’s actually part of your punishment from my father, so I _have_ to have sex with you!” Arthur flicked Merlin’s ear.

“Ow!” Merlin rubbed at his reddened skin defensively, jabbing Arthur in the ribs before retorting, “Yeah? Well what happened to the once a day in the cage, as fast as possible thing?” _That_ he could have lived with a little more easily.

Arthur opened his mouth, then shut it again. Instead of talking, he got up, leaving Merlin’s head to fall with a small thud onto the grass.

Merlin sat up, rubbing his head, and then Arthur came over again and sat between Merlin’s legs, resting his head on Merlin’s chest as he slumped there morosely. Merlin smiled and kissed the top of Arthur’s head. Arthur was always so irresistibly cute when he sulked. Merlin rested his cheek on top of Arthur’s head. Arthur’s hair felt so soft on his cool cheek.  

“What do you want me to do?” Arthur finally asked, sighing.

“Try sleeping with other people,” Merlin said lightly.

“But they won’t be _you.”_ Was Arthur pouting? Really? Merlin kissed his ear.

“That’s the point, you twat.” Merlin rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t it ever disgust you that you’re always shagging another man?”

Arthur looked up at him, and Merlin caught himself holding his breath. Arthur leaned in until their lips were nearly touching, and Merlin couldn’t stop staring at them. “There is absolutely _nothing_ disgusting about you,” Arthur said firmly. “Nothing at all. I love you, and I want you. Every part of you. Your body,” Merlin stifled a gasp as Arthur gently squeezed his groin, “your mind,” Arthur put a hand on the nape of Merlin’s neck and pulled his face closer, gazing into his eyes, before taking a deep breath and finishing, “and your heart.” He placed a strong hand over Merlin’s heart and used the rest of his body to gently push them both down onto the grass.

Merlin’s eyes began to glaze over. “Arthur..” he breathed. Suddenly he wanted to kiss Arthur on the mouth, and very much so. He internally shook himself. _He had to stop thinking that way!_ He was _not_ in love with Arthur, so he did _not_ want to kiss Arthur’s mouth, he wanted to kiss Arthur’s cheek, or head, like a normal man. Merlin shut his eyes, struggling and throwing his head back. “N-no Arthur, I’m confused, you’re making me confused, and,” he struggled to talk, his cock burning as Arthur’s groin kept pushing into it. “And, Arthur, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to be gay, I don’t even want to be with women.” Arthur’s eyes narrowed, and his hand went down to rub at Merlin’s groin through his trousers. “Stop, Arthur,” Merlin panted. “You’re making me.. feel things. I don’t want to feel.”

Arthur grinned, licking Merlin’s ear. “Am I?”

“I don’t want this, Arthur, I don’t want to _become_ this,” Merlin was making pained little noises now, eyes beginning to water. Arthur wasn’t stopping! Why didn’t Arthur ever stop? Now Merlin was hard and whimpering and moaning like a fucking rabid sex-crazed bitch in heat. He shut his eyes, tears streaming down his face. “You’re turning me into a disgusting pervert, Arthur,” he choked out.

Arthur continued rutting at him. “Yeah? Am I corrupting sweet innocent little Merlin?” Arthur laughed disbelievingly. Then he whispered in Merlin’s ear. “Well _get used to it._ Because I’m not going to stop until I strip apart _every single barrier_ you’ve set up against me in that little brain of yours. And I _know_ it’s just your stupid brain, Merlin, with all your stupid little ideals. You’ve already given me your entire heart and soul. I’m not going to stop fucking you and making you want me. I’m going to break you down until you just fucking well give in and fuck me willingly. I’m _never_ going to stop, Merlin. Have fun trying to keep me back. Though, you _can_ leave Camelot, no one would be able to stop you, but you can’t, can you Merlin, or you would have left already. Because you’re _fucking in love with me_ and just don’t know it yet. I’m going to marry you one day and fuck you as long and as much as I want and you’re going to _love_ every second of it. I’m going to keep fucking you for as long as you keep loving me, so you should know that you have only yourself to blame.”

Merlin’s eyes were blown wide with dismay and horror. Had he really expected anything less from Arthur? Arthur roughly grabbed his wrists and held them above his head in the grass, hissing into his face. “I can literally treat you like fucking _shit_. I can fuck you, fuck you _up,_ fuck you over and under and through the damn fucking woods, and you know what?” Arthur grinned, mouthing at Merlin’s lips hungrily, and Merlin cursed himself for groaning at the pleasure as he panted, shaking his head.

Arthur continued, “You wouldn’t even stay mad at me, Merlin, not even for just a day. You are _so_ fucking in love with me!”

Merlin shook violently, knowing everything Arthur had said was true, but it wasn’t like that! “I do love you, Arthur! I’ve never denied it, I love you so much. But that doesn’t give you the right to treat me like this!” Merlin was sobbing now. “Why can’t you just let me be? All I ever do is love you, Arthur. I love you through everything, and you continue to mock me.”

Arthur grinned. “Wanna see something really cool?”

Merlin looked at Arthur, fear gripping him.

Arthur leaned his mouth up by Merlin’s ear and moaned, low.

“What are you--?” Merlin began, but then Arthur reached into his own trousers, and Merlin knew exactly what was going on. Arthur wanked himself off, panting and moaning loudly and obscenely into Merlin’s ear. Merlin’s face flushed, and his own cock began standing tall and erect in his breeches. “Merlin… Oh Merlin, you like that, don’t you? Fuck, you’re so hungry for my cock, Merlin, look at you, yeah, Merlin..” Arthur had his eyes shut and continued pulling on his cock.

Merlin knew Arthur was giving him a glimpse of what he did in his free time. And Merlin was incredibly aroused. Arthur kept moaning, and the wet sound his cock made when he slid his hand up and down it sounded impossibly loud to Merlin’s ears. “Arthur, don’t do this,” Merlin whimpered. Arthur kept at it, moaning and crying his name so loud, speaking all sorts of disgusting, nasty things he wanted to do to Merlin. Finally Arthur came all over him, then rolled away, panting. Merlin stayed frozen in the grass. He was so turned on, so horny, he felt moving at all would be incredibly dangerous. “Look at you, your breeches are soaked,” Arthur mused.

Merlin cried in humiliation, and he sat up to run away, but in so doing, his breeches accidentally rubbed against the head of his cock, just a fraction, a tiny drag of the fabric over his extremely sensitive head, and suddenly, with eyes wider than ever, Merlin came all over himself. Arthur’s expression turned serious as he watched, any hint of a smile gone.

Merlin’s face broke. He felt like his soul had completely shattered to pieces. He stared at the grass, and the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. He could feel his sticky, hot come drip down his legs. He’d tried _so_ hard not to come. He’d tried so, so hard.

Suddenly, Arthur crashed into him, throwing him onto the grass. Merlin cried out, sobbing, and Arthur wrestled his breeches down. “No! No!! Arthur, stop it, please stop!” Merlin was screaming, screaming and crying and kicking and shoving. Merlin rolled onto his stomach, grabbing at anything. “Help me! Help somebody, please help me!” Merlin cried, choking as Arthur grabbed him back. Arthur tore his breeches down his legs, and Merlin outright shrieked, his panic attack hitting him hard, and suddenly the entire planet was spinning and Merlin’s heart was the loudest thing in his ears. For a moment, everything else sounded muffled. He cried and cried and struggled, but before he knew it, Arthur was riding his cock, humping him roughly and grabbing at his shoulders. “You like this, you do,” Arthur growled.

“No!” Merlin cried, his emotions overwhelming. His cock was being stimulated like crazy, and Arthur _wouldn’t stop moving_. Merlin threw his head back, crying and moaning, and finally he crushed his lips to Arthur’s and basically jumped on him as he fucked him and licked and sucked at him, crying and panting and humping all at the same time. Merlin shut his eyes in complete and utter bliss, loving every sound that came out of Arthur’s precious mouth. He ran his hand through Arthur’s hair and sobbed into the kisses, loving, truly loving, the way his cock felt inside Arthur. Merlin moaned loudly.

“Arthur, you feel, you feel so good.”

Merlin’s mind felt like it was stuttering and going into overdrive, and now he couldn’t think straight. All he knew was that he needed Arthur, badly, in every single way he could get him, and this, yes, this was good. This was _amazing._ Merlin fucked back and forth into Arthur, gasping and shuddering and looking down at him with wild, crazed eyes, but in their depths was also a pure love, which he saw reflected back to him in Arthur’s eyes.

Arthur watched him with so much love and affection and adoration, and Merlin wanted to give Arthur everything. He had so much _more_ to give Arthur, so much he wanted to give, and he kissed Arthur and whimpered into him. Arthur grabbed at him and pulled him closer on top of him and Merlin moaned, sucking at every part of Arthur he could put his mouth on, and Arthur urged him on, to go faster.

And he did, because he loved Arthur and he loved _this,_ and, damn it felt so so good to be in Arthur like this. Merlin didn’t want to stop, he didn’t ever want to go, he wanted to hold Arthur and keep his cock in him forever. Merlin kissed Arthur tenderly but hurriedly, and Arthur grabbed at him. “Touch me, Arthur,” Merlin begged. Arthur did touch him, and Merlin keened.

They rocked together, fucking and moaning and loving each other for hours on end. Merlin continued to feel like he was on a super-high and couldn’t come down and couldn’t think. All he felt was want, want, want. His mind wouldn’t focus on anything else. And Arthur, oh Arthur was so perfect and beautiful and his body was perfect, and in that moment Merlin wanted to give his best friend his absolute _everything_ \-- his entire body and soul and heart and mind and anything else Arthur could possibly ever want from him. Yes, _yes,_ he wanted to give Arthur every bit of him, every last bit.

“I’m yours Arthur, I’m yours,” Merlin rasped. “Arthur, I love you.” He thrust deep into his beautiful prince. “Have this whole time,” Merlin managed to gasp out.

Arthur whimpered and moaned, grabbing Merlin’s head and crushing it to his chest. “Merlin, I love you too, fuck I love you I love you.” They grabbed each other’s lips hungrily, not able to get enough. Arthur got on his hands and knees and Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur’s belly from behind, rutting into him and groaning loudly. His head was resting on Arthur’s back and he sighed into him.

Yes, this was where he belonged. He belonged with Arthur and inside Arthur.

Arthur spun him around onto his back, and Merlin moaned, spreading his legs for him. Arthur took Merlin’s cock fully into his mouth and sucked, eliciting a high pitched keen from Merlin, who grabbed Arthur’s hair and tugged. “Arthur…..,” he moaned, humping into Arthur’s hot, wet mouth.

By the time Merlin fell, completely exhausted, on Arthur’s chest, it was long after dark, the fireflies and stars their only source of light. Merlin panted hard, his eyes half closed, and Arthur wrapped strong arms around him.

As the crazy high began wearing off, the enormity of what he’d done fell on him like a brick on an egg. With no warning, Merlin sucked in a breath, then broke down, crying. “Arthur, I’m a pervert. I’m so disgusting. I hate myself!”

Arthur rolled on top of him, rubbing their cocks together. Merlin whimpered, struggling faintly and crying harder. Must Arthur insist on torturing him forever?

“Because you like this, Merlin?” Arthur asked, his voice low and quiet and sad. When Merlin didn’t reply, he went on, “Everyone likes sex, Merlin. That doesn’t make you a pervert, especially when it’s someone you love. Of course you’d like it.”

He leaned down to kiss Merlin’s cheek, and Merlin tried to move his head away, making a soft pained noise.

“Stop trying to avoid my touches, Merlin. You know I always get what I want from you.”  

Merlin wiped at his eyes, continuing to cry, crying openly. “Arthur, sex is traumatizing for me. I nearly had a heart attack earlier. This isn’t fun, I don’t want to keep doing this.” Merlin was ashamed of himself when he realized he sounded just like a scared little boy, not at all like the man his parents wanted him to be.

Arthur rolled off him and hugged him tightly.

For a very long time, no one spoke. The only sound was the sound of crickets and Merlin’s crying and sniffling and hiccuping. When Merlin’s cries finally, _finally_ ceased, Arthur murmured, so quiet it was barely audible, “Goodnight, Merlin.”

Merlin wiped at his eyes, nibbling at the knuckle of his thumb as he hiccuped. “Goodnight Arthur.” His voice sounded hoarse and tortured; strained. Under all that, there was still the distinct note of the deep affection and love that ran through him for Arthur, ran in his veins and through his very soul.

Arthur didn’t know exactly how late it was now, only that it was very late. Merlin had ceased all signs of crying and was now fast asleep. He stared up at the fireflies and continued holding onto his best friend. Very tenderly, slowly, and carefully, Arthur’s fingers traced secret words onto Merlin’s chest. Then, with a quiet choking sound, hot tears scorched Arthur’s eyes and dribbled down his chin.

When Merlin awoke early that morning, the fog had set over the surrounding lands and the air was warm and humid. He found Arthur already dressed and waiting for him.

“Here you are,” Arthur said, walking over to where Merlin was sitting and handing him his clothes. Wordlessly, Merlin took them and began slipping on his shirt. Arthur went behind him and bent down, hugging Merlin gently. Merlin grunted, and Arthur stuck his nose in Merlin’s hair, inhaling deeply. “Your hair smells like flowers.”

Merlin leaned into Arthur a bit. “Does it?”

“Yeah.”

Fuck, talking about scents, Arthur’s natural odor was always fantastic. And the way he felt, his body so strong. And hard. Merlin began thinking of other things Arthur had done with that hot, hard body pressed up behind him, and he immediately shuddered inwardly, disgusted with himself. This caused him to abruptly move away from Arthur, standing up and quickly putting on his spoiled breeches instead.

“Ready?” Arthur smiled softly at him, still crouching in the grass.

Merlin took a deep breath, then awkwardly looked down at his best friend. The moment their eyes met, a vision of yesterday flashed in his mind, and he flinched. Nodding, Merlin said, “Yeah, let’s go.”

Another year passed by.

Merlin was twenty, and Arthur was twenty five.

There was a big feast at the castle. The fun had just begun, and most people were dancing, some were walking around, and others were sitting and gossiping.

Arthur and Merlin sat side by side, their chairs turned towards each other and feet touching as they talked. They joked and laughed, casually touching each other far too often. This gave Merlin an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he couldn’t seem to control it. With Arthur, it all came so naturally. He loved touching Arthur like this, being with Arthur, talking and laughing.

Sometimes Arthur would wiggle his eyebrows at Merlin and lean his face in too close to tell him something particularly brilliant, and Merlin would find himself growing hard with just that proximity. Their eyes both shone brilliantly as they fired off jokes and flirty comments. Well, the flirty comments didn’t actually count as _flirting_ though, because of course Merlin was only joking.

He felt that, with each passing year, he only grew fonder of Arthur. It was crazy, really. Arthur was becoming more than a best friend. Arthur was becoming… Merlin didn’t know _what_ he was becoming. He couldn’t find anything to describe it. And no, it wasn’t a _lover_. Certainly not that! That would just, that would just be wrong. But Arthur had grown to become something, whatever it was, to Merlin, something more powerful and important in his life than Merlin ever thought possible.

And Merlin was addicted to Arthur. The pull was so strong. Like they were two giant magnets in a universe full of tiny magnets. Everyone else pulled gently towards that one special other, but Merlin felt that he and Arthur were literally _yanked_ together, and no matter what, they couldn’t pull back. With every passing day, this feeling only grew stronger. The urge to do everything with Arthur heightened-- the urge to talk to him, joke, play, stare at, kiss (a _friendly_ kiss, of course...) Arthur filled his every waking thought and was in nearly every dream.

Sometimes he dreamt about his childhood, before Arthur. But in those dreams, he always felt like some deep part of himself was missing. He would feel an inner sense of distraught and longing, and a deep cold emptiness nothing could fill. He’d wake from those dreams, quietly gasping, the horrifyingly empty feeling completely washed away once he realized it had only been a dream. Arthur was there with him, Arthur would always be with him. He’d promised Merlin that.

Whatever it was that Merlin was feeling for Arthur, he couldn’t even begin to understand it one bit. He only knew that whatever it was, it felt incredible. It never seemed enough to just tell Arthur that he loved him. This feeling he had for his best friend went above and completely beyond anything he’d ever thought he was capable of feeling.

As they sat there, sipping their drinks now and then, Merlin couldn’t help thinking to himself how beautiful Arthur looked. Everything about him glowed. And Arthur was a great warrior, noble and kind to his people. He would make a great king someday.

“What are you thinking about?” Arthur asked, raising an eyebrow.

Merlin broke into a wide smile. “I was thinking about how much I love you.”

Arthur’s big round eyes blinked affectionately as he blushed. “Love you too.” He ran a gentle hand through Merlin’s hair, and Merlin leaned into the touch, bringing his own hand to untangle Arthur’s from his hair.

Arthur was warm and lax in his grasp, and Merlin took both his hands and cradled Arthur’s hand gently. Merlin grinned wider, his blue eyes shining with adoration and love. They stayed that way for a long moment. Arthur smiled happily at him, then leaned their foreheads together. Merlin exhaled shakily, looking down at his best friend’s lips, a familiar warm feeling creeping into his gut.

Arthur abruptly pulled away, clapping Merlin on the back (which caused him to nearly choke on his spit, but the clotpole didn’t notice). “So, big feast with lots of drinking! You know what happens afterward.” Arthur looked at Merlin with intense but teasing baby blue eyes. How did he pull off looking so adorable when he was really such a predator? Merlin shook his head, chuckling (and coughing a little).

“No, you know drunk sex. It’s not fun. You barely register anything.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “You’ll try any excuse, won’t you?”

“Maybe,” Merlin said, looking just a little bit sheepish.

Arthur chuckled and Merlin laughed quietly, happy just to see Arthur happy. “Don’t drink too much,” Arthur said. He leaned into Merlin’s ear, almost a whisper as he said, “I want you to remember it in the morning.”

Merlin turned away from him, downcast, and buried his face in his arms on the table, groaning. “I’d rather not,” he said after he turned his head back to look at his best friend.

“But you’ll do as I say?” Arthur leaned into him.

Merlin nodded, smiling despite himself, and blushing. “I have to, you’re the prince.”

“And you love me.”

“And I love you,” Merlin agreed. Arthur was about to sit up straight again when Merlin went on, “Even though you, Mr. Lazy Clotpole, are an arrogant, pratty, sex-crazed lunatic cabbage head who looks like a toad and smells worse than the butt of a wildren.”

Arthur froze in disbelief, then gave Merlin a look that would bring Uther to tears (okay, maybe not _that_ bad).

“Kidding!” Merlin said quickly, throwing up his hands and feigning fear, but his open-mouthed grin gave him away.

Arthur sighed loudly, rolling his eyes (was that a hint of a smile?), and took another sip of his wine.

The very second his eyes were off Merlin, the Princess Freya swooped in for her chance.

“Hello,” she said to Merlin, smiling sweetly and batting her eyelashes flirtatiously.

Merlin’s face lit up with surprise, and Arthur immediately stopped mid-sip, eyeing her with a little disgust and a lot disbelief. Merlin knew no one in the castle dared talked that way to him; _ever._ And especially not in front of Arthur. This was a funny change. He had to try very hard to suppress his laughter when, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Arthur stiffen beside him and set his cup down a bit too loudly.

“This is perhaps a bit informal, but,” Princess Freya held out a hand to him. “May I have this dance?”

Finally, he was going to slow dance with a girl for once, like a _normal_ man! “I would love to,” Merlin said gleefully, beaming as he took her outstretched hand. It was small and soft, and _feminine_. This was definitely new.

As Merlin walked away, he glanced back at Arthur and shrugged, grinning. Arthur crossed his arms, clearly pouting and glaring at him. Arthur would have to learn to share eventually, once Merlin got a wife. He might as well start now.  

“You and Prince Arthur seem… very close,” Princess Freya said once they were finally dancing. She rested her head on his shoulder.

“Oh yes, we are,” Merlin said, smiling as he thought about their bond. “He’s my best friend.”

“Is that all he is?” she asked. Her voice was light, but there was an undercurrent to it that suggested fervent curiosity.  

Merlin nodded. “Of course.”

They danced a while longer, and as the night went on, he grew to truly enjoy her presence. Besides radiating kindness, the Princess was clever, sweet, and funny. Even he wasn’t daft enough to think anything could ever really happen between them, but he couldn’t help thinking that, when he finally found his wife, he wanted her to be just like Freya.

Eventually she took his hand and led him out of the party area to the chambers Uther had specially provided for her. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Merlin asked. “What if you get pregnant?”

“That won’t happen.”

Her voice was so full of certainty. Could she really be so sure?

“How do you know?”

The Princess smiled slyly. “Some things are best kept unknown, Merlin. And if you’re worried I will tarnish my reputation, I am the sole heir to my father’s throne, so I can very well bed whomever I so choose.” She smiled playfully and pulled a baffled Merlin in for a kiss. “Merlin,” she breathed. “I was eyeing _you_ all night.”

They were lying naked in bed. Merlin was straddling her, but soon he ended up looking more than a little befuddled.

“Are you okay?” Freya asked, sensing his confusion.

He hesitated. Carefully, he said, “This is my first time... with a woman.” He refused to flat-out lie to her and make himself out to be a blushing virgin, but at the same time he also didn’t want her to know he’d slept with Arthur maybe just like, everyday.

She nodded, taking his hand reassuringly. “Just do what makes you feel comfortable. Go slow, Merlin. There’s no rush.” She was smiling kindly at him, and he swallowed. That wasn’t the problem. No, he had a worse problem. For some reason, he wasn’t getting... hard.

Merlin awkwardly rutted up against her vagina a couple times, trying to get it up. Embarrassed, he tried again, and again. Nothing.

What the fuck?

Freya didn’t acknowledge his problem, perhaps embarrassed for him, and instead took Merlin’s face into a kiss, moaning into him and grinding on his cock. Thankful that at least she wasn’t complaining, he passionately kissed back.

She was really a great kisser, and such a beautiful, sweet girl. He couldn’t think of a reason why he wasn’t getting hard. Merlin cursed himself. Here he was, begging his stupid cock to take an interest, and it completely refused to cooperate. And then there was that prat Arthur, giving him damn panic attacks and breaking him down until he was a sobbing, wrecked mess, and he’d be orgasming fucking rivers.

In that moment, Merlin couldn’t have hated himself more. Without warning, he abruptly pulled away, apologizing profusely as he rushed into his clothes. He even tripped once or twice in his haste to get out the door. Freya shouted his name once, shouted for him to come back, but he was so ashamed he couldn’t even look in her direction.

Being so used to Arthur, Merlin was a little surprised when Freya didn’t immediately grab at him and try to force him back onto the bed to finish what he hadn’t yet started. But of course not, Freya was _nothing_ like Arthur. So _nothing_ excused his cock’s disinterest.

Flying down the halls, Merlin bumped into a sleazy-looking noble who was way too drunk for his own good. The man wore the crest of a different kingdom, and when he saw Merlin, he winked at him. “Just my luck,” the stranger slurred.

In that moment, Merlin knew what he had to do.

Merlin nodded at him, then allowed the man to drag him back to a dark, empty room. They made out hurriedly, hands and mouths all over one another. Rutting against each other, the man unbuckled his belt quickly, taking out his cock. Merlin did the same, and they thrust into each other. After some time, Merlin was still frustratedly _not_ hard.

“C’mon,” he growled to himself, thrusting against the stranger angrily. _Nothing_. Shoving the man away and ignoring his protests, Merlin tied up his trousers and stormed off without a single word.

He was searing with even more shame than before. A very nice, attractive-looking young woman hadn’t turned him on, so in his pure desperation, he had tried a relatively handsome young man, and still nothing. Merlin was more confused than ever, but most of all, he was furious with himself.

He tore into his dark room and kicked at his bookshelf, ignoring the multitudes of books that crashed onto the floor. He raged on, screaming at the ceiling and tearing at his hair. He kicked over more things and punched the walls countless times before sinking down heavily onto the edge of his bed. He sat there and cried into his hands, thankful that his parents were at the feast and wouldn’t walk in on him like this.

After he wiped away the last of his tears, Merlin leaned back on one arm and resolutely untied his trousers with his other hand. He fisted at his cock and imagined Arthur fucking him from behind. Suddenly he was _very_ hard. Merlin grunted angrily, but decided to keep going. Very soon he was moaning, for once too angry at himself to bother feeling ashamed. When he heard his open bedroom door shut close, he already knew who it was.

Whatever.

Merlin continued angrily jerking himself off, moaning as he resumed thinking about crazy hot sex with his best friend.

 _“What_ are you doing?”

Merlin opened his eyes, glaring at Arthur. “What does it look like, you _prat?”_ His voice was like venom.

Arthur blew out a puff of breath, holding up his hands defensively and eyes widening. “Whoa, okay, no need to be crabby.”

 _Crabby?_ Crabby couldn’t even begin to describe his rage right now! _“Shut up, Arthur,”_ he growled between his teeth. He shut his eyes again as he continued yanking on his cock. He whimpered as he thought about Arthur sucking tiny, sweet kisses into his neck.

“Arthur, I’m so fucked up,” Merlin cried, his voice shaking as he continued jerking himself off.

“What happened?” Arthur was still standing by Merlin’s doorway, unmoving. For once, he actually looked afraid.

Merlin shook his head, refusing to talk. Instead he kept moaning, then began bucking his hips in tiny thrusts, panting.

“Princess Freya was that good, was she?” Arthur’s voice was laced with jealousy and guarded anger.

Merlin allowed his head to roll to his shoulder as he panted, giving Arthur a sideways glance. He kept moaning, holding Arthur’s angry gaze the entire time.

After a long moment, still holding Arthur’s gaze as he thought about all the dirty things he wanted to do with him, Merlin finally shuddered and groaned. _“You,_ Arthur, I’m thinking about you.”

The Prince looked dumbstruck, like he’d just been slapped straight across the face with a metallic pan. In one quick motion, Arthur was suddenly kneeling in front of him, and Merlin sucked in a surprised breath. Arthur pried Merlin’s hands off his cock, immediately putting his mouth on it and taking Merlin fully. Merlin gasped out loud, grabbing Arthur’s short hair in one hand as he moaned loudly and leaned back on his other hand. Arthur sucked hungrily, his head bobbing up and down. He then licked and sucked at the side of Merlin’s cock, and Merlin bucked his hips, panting.

“Arthur..” he moaned, quiet and high pitched. He shuffled further back on the bed, and Arthur’s mouth followed.

Merlin lay down, choking in pleasure, and Arthur slid his mouth off Merlin’s cock. “Let me finish for you,” Arthur whined, sucking at his jaw. Merlin nodded, hugging into him and deeply inhaling the scent of Arthur’s bare neck.

Arthur took Merlin’s cock in his hand and fisted at it, then rammed his tongue down Merlin’s throat. Merlin sputtered and nearly choked for a second, then got the hang of it and kissed back, humping fast into Arthur’s hand.

After a while of this, he came, moaning long and low into Arthur’s kiss. Arthur gasped, pulling away.

“Merlin, I’m so _hard,”_ he whimpered, tugging desperately at his own trousers. Merlin got up and kissed his mouth again as he got to work with getting Arthur’s trousers off. “I’ll take care of you,” Merlin panted gently, cradling Arthur’s chin in his hands.

Once Arthur’s trousers were off, Merlin went down on him, taking his hot, throbbing cock in his mouth. Merlin sucked heartily, humping his own cock into the mattress. He was getting hard again. Arthur’s cock felt so _good_ in his mouth, and Arthur moaned, grabbing at his hair.

“Merlin.. Merlin, you’re so perfect, so beautiful,” Arthur panted, whimpering.

As Merlin licked and sucked, face flushed with dizzying desire, he told himself that he’d let himself enjoy this with Arthur, _just_ tonight. Only this once, he wanted a night free of the burden of his utter shame. He wanted to just enjoy it, take in Arthur’s body and the absolute bliss it gave him. _Just for tonight. I just want one night._

After Merlin sucked Arthur off, they held each other quietly, reveling in each others’ body and warmth.

In a very short amount of time, they both drifted off to sleep.

The next day, Merlin and Arthur were lying on their bellies at the end of Arthur’s bed, all their clothes, to Merlin’s relief, still on. They lay over the covers, just hanging out and joking around, but he was fully aware that it was dark now, and Arthur never went to bed without having one of their “sessions.” For now though, Merlin would enjoy his best friend and the time he would try to buy before Arthur got needy.

They were laughing when it happened. Their faces were close and Arthur grabbed at Merlin’s head with both hands. The Prince pulled his face into Merlin’s neck, grinning into his skin as he proclaimed, “I’m horny.”

Merlin chuckled lightly, perfectly masking the raging panic growing in his belly. He shoved Arthur away, burying his face into the bed as he shook his head. Arthur grabbed his short hair and pulled his head off the bed.

“Arthur!” Merlin yelped, laughing. Then Arthur jammed his thumb into his mouth. “If I suck on this, can we just call it a night?” Merlin basically gagged. Arthur grinned, lifting both eyebrows as he looked speculatively at Merlin.

“Maybe.”

Maybe wasn’t good enough. Merlin gnawed playfully at Arthur’s thumb, and Arthur laughed, moving his thumb around in Merlin’s mouth. Merlin sucked at it, resting his head back down on the bed. Dirty thoughts, go away, dirty thoughts, _go away._ Merlin was disgusted that sucking on Arthur’s thumb was giving him these thoughts. It was only a _thumb._

Arthur grabbed his head and planted a deep, rough kiss into his hair, then moved behind Merlin on the bed and grabbed both his legs, hoisting Merlin's arse up against his groin. Merlin made a soft whining noise, his head still buried in the bed. Arthur humped at him a few times, enough to get Merlin’s cock burning with a wild need he didn’t want, then flipped him over. Merlin’s eyes were shut tight, but he opened them now to look, wild and frightened, at Arthur, his heart pounding.

Arthur ran a lazy, grabby hand over Merlin’s crotch, squeezing gently for one second, just to get a feel for how hard Merlin had gotten, then pulled his hand away. Merlin abruptly jumped up and knocked Arthur down, so that Arthur was partly on his side, and straddled him.

“What are you--?” Arthur laughed, and Merlin crushed him down onto the mattress before sucking an affectionate nip into Arthur’s arm.

“Prat,” Merlin grinned, shoving at Arthur’s face and moving off him again to lay belly-down on the mattress. Merlin rested his head on the back of his hands and closed his eyes, humming (nervously) to himself.

Arthur, also on his belly, inched over to Merlin. Once he reached Merlin’s side, Arthur got on top of him, aligning their bodies. He rested his head on Merlin’s shoulder, eyes also closed as he asked, “What are you thinking about?”

Merlin smiled, opening his eyes as he leaned his head into Arthur’s face. “I’m tired. I think we should call it a night.”

Arthur bit his neck, causing Merlin to yelp. _“Ow!”_

“Payback,” he grinned, and Merlin shoved at him with his legs.

“You prat, I didn’t even bite you that hard!”

Arthur laughed, sitting up to drag Merlin’s head onto his lap. Merlin basically giggled and looked up at Arthur, blue eyes adoring. He lifted Arthur’s shirt up a little and bit the side of his stomach, suckling as he did.

Arthur groaned, feigning pain, and Merlin laughed, nibbling down his side. At that, Arthur grabbed him and wrestled him down onto the bed. “Take off my trousers and I’ll let you bite further down.”

Merlin laughed uneasily, rolling away, and lay on his back instead as he stared up at the ceiling. The idea was far too tempting for his comfort.

Why did Arthur make him feel these things, when women and, goodness forbid, _other men_ , couldn’t? Maybe it really was just extreme, brotherly feelings, since the way he felt about women was clearly different. He wasn’t _really_ sexually attracted to Arthur, was he? No, of course not. That was dumb. His body was simply confused because Arthur was always having his way with him, and combined with how much he loved the prat, of course he’d be confused. Yes, that was it. That was all it was.

Arthur shimmied over and lay by Merlin’s side, propping himself up so that he could look down at Merlin’s face. He kissed Merlin then, and Merlin closed his eyes, sighing contentedly.

After a while, Arthur pulled away and buried his head in Merlin’s neck. Merlin keened happily, smiling, his head swollen with the feeling the kiss had given him.

Arthur propped up on his elbow and reached down with his other arm, rubbing briefly at Merlin’s cock and balls through his thin trousers. Arthur squeezed a little before moving his hand up to Merlin’s belly. Merlin was very hard. And scared.

He tried to divert Arthur’s attention and instead grabbed at Arthur’s neck, pulling him roughly back down. “Nnnf,” Arthur huffed, falling on Merlin. That kicked off a wrestling playfight. After some scuffling, Arthur grabbed Merlin from behind and then hooked an arm around his neck, yanking him up that way. Merlin laughed and jabbed at Arthur’s stomach. Arthur released him and Merlin pounced on him, grabbing a pillow and whacking him over and over.

Arthur laughed before yoinking the pillow away and shoving him down, straddling him. Merlin grinned up at him, and then Arthur tickled his sides. “AAAhh!!! Arthur, _stop!”_ Merlin snorted, clutching at where Arthur was tickling him and trying to kick him off. Arthur laughed and bent down, giving Merlin a quick peck to the lips, and then rolled off him. Merlin was still giggling when he sat up. He was then almost immediately met with hands grabbing at his head, and soon Merlin found himself in a headlock. Chuckling, Arthur bit his ear.

When Merlin squirmed in an attempt to escape, Arthur grabbed his shirt and yanked it right over his head, tossing it to the floor. Merlin yelped in surprise, managing to pull away. Arthur, _no._ He felt the panic rising in him again, and he turned completely away from Arthur, trying to take deep breaths in and out without making it too obvious.

Arthur came up behind him, hooking an arm around his neck again and kissing his ear. Merlin, eyes closed, took the arm around his neck and kissed it once, still trying to breathe in and out slowly. A part of him thought Arthur knew about his panic attacks, because then Arthur waited, watching him, until he finally calmed down enough to open his eyes and turn to look meekly back over his shoulder.

Once he did that, Arthur wrapped an arm around his naked belly and drew him gently back towards the middle of the bed. He then blew a raspberry into Merlin’s neck, at the same time humping him from behind. Merlin arched his back towards Arthur in pleasure and grunted, falling forward onto his arms, which accidentally allowed Arthur better access to his arse.

Arthur rutted against him gently, kissing softly into his back and sides. Merlin sighed. This felt good. He tried to concentrate on the kissing instead of the feeling of Arthur’s hard cock being constantly rammed up against his arse. Merlin went blissfully slack in Arthur’s grasp and gradually fell all the way against the bed, half turning over onto his back to look at Arthur. That was a mistake.

Arthur began moving their clothed groins together, rolling his hips and kissing at Merlin’s neck.

“Oof,” Merlin groaned when Arthur’s head nearly suffocated him for a second. He then breathed hard, feeling Arthur’s cock through his clothes. Arthur was very hard.

Arthur continued kissing him, moving down his chest. Merlin tried getting up again, but this time Arthur pushed him quickly back down. “Your trousers are always so thin, Merlin. I can feel all of you through them.” Arthur was grinning and mouthing at his clothed groin.

Merlin whimpered, using both hands in an effort to push Arthur's surprisingly heavy head away. “Arthur, please just go to bed. I’ll even sleep here with you. We can cuddle.” Merlin’s voice was tight with desperation.

And something else that he refused to dwell on.

“Can we cuddle naked?” Arthur asked, smiling and raising his eyebrows. Merlin rolled his eyes, sitting up.

“Sod off, you prat.”

Arthur grabbed him and pulled him into a face-down position on the mattress. Arthur then rolled himself into a sitting position on top of Merlin’s shoulders. “You’re so cute,” Arthur cooed sincerely. He humped Merlin’s head twice before rolling off to lay next to Merlin instead. Merlin scoffed, rubbing at the area Arthur had humped at, and smiled affectionately at his adorable (but clearly insane) best friend.

“Shut it.” Merlin leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, then he lay on his side facing away from Arthur and stared at the wall. He wished Arthur wouldn’t be so pushy.

Arthur leaned over on his belly and rested his head on Merlin’s shoulders. He nibbled at Merlin’s neck and ears, shoving his nose into his hair. “Merlin, have sex with me.” The spoiled brat was practically whining. _Ridiculous._

Merlin didn’t answer him, his mouth gone dry with apprehension. Arthur planted quick, hard kisses on his cheek, his hair, and the top of his head, all the while rubbing at Merlin’s bare back with a gentle, outspread hand. Merlin sighed into it all, wishing Arthur would just stick with these friendly touches-- wishing he’d just stick within these boundaries of a normal best friend.

As Merlin lay there, he frustratedly tried to get his erect cock to soften. What was wrong with him? He was really such a sick, twisted pervert who got off on his best friend showing him some (at the moment) innocent affection. Merlin knew there had to be something seriously wrong with him.

He hid his face in the mattress as Arthur continued. Then Arthur flipped him over onto his back, and Merlin’s legs were accidentally spread apart. Before he could close them, Arthur again reached for his groin. This time, instead of only briefly touching, Arthur massaged him, too-easily feeling all of him, because as the Prince had pointed out, his trousers really were much too thin. Merlin shut his eyes tight, straining to not make any sounds. Arthur leaned over him, straddling their groins together, and rested his chin on Merlin’s chest. “You’re very hard.”

Merlin nodded, turning his head so he wouldn’t have to look at his best friend. “I shouldn’t be,” he said hoarsely.

“Why shouldn't you?” Arthur asked, nibbling at his jaw for a second. Merlin shut his eyes tightly.

“You’re another man, Arthur. And my best friend. This is wrong. Best friends don’t do this. We shouldn’t want to do this.”

“But you _do_ want to do this?” Arthur asked, a small grin creeping onto his face.

Merlin opened his eyes and swatted at Arthur’s face, making Arthur flinch back and laugh. “No, you idiot! That’s not what I meant!” he growled, though his own smile ruined the effect (Arthur was just so damn cute when he laughed).

They both sat up, and then Arthur scooted over close, sitting with his legs criss-crossed and grinning. He leaned in then, kissing Merlin fully on the mouth. Merlin smiled into the kiss, kissing back and wrapping his arms lightly around Arthur’s waist. After a bit, Arthur pulled away, smiling teasingly. He leaned up by Merlin again and sloppily licked Merlin’s lips. Merlin made a face, giggling. “Ew, Arthur what are you doing?”

“Lick my tongue,” Arthur said. “C’mon.” He grabbed at Merlin’s hands. Merlin raised an eyebrow.

“Okay…?” This couldn’t be that gross, since they kissed all the time, right?

Arthur licked lightly at Merlin’s lips, and this time Merlin parted them and licked at Arthur’s tongue. Arthur tasted so... delicious, like always. Merlin licked at his tongue some more, and Arthur licked back, beginning to push inside Merlin’s mouth.

“Mmmhm,” Merlin sighed. Arthur pulled away a little, and Merlin followed his mouth, licking and sucking, not wanting Arthur to go. Arthur stuck out his entire tongue and Merlin licked at it, from tip to where it disappeared into his mouth. “You like my tongue?” Arthur grinned.

“Mmhm,” Merlin mumbled happily, pulling Arthur’s head in for a deep kiss on the cheek. “And I like your smell,” Merlin breathed, kissing his cheek one more time before letting him go.

Arthur chuckled and scooted over again, wrapping both arms in a hug around Merlin, and sighed deeply into his chest. Merlin smiled and hugged back, kissing Arthur’s head. “I love you,” Arthur said, voice sounding muffled.

“Love you too,” Merlin replied, his voice tender-soft.

“I miss you.”

Merlin leaned down and hugged Arthur even closer, smiling. “You can’t miss me, I’m always here.”

“I still miss you,” Arthur insisted stubbornly, kissing Merlin’s naked chest. Merlin continued holding him and chuckled.

“I miss you when you’re away,” Merlin said, carding his fingers into Arthur’s hair.

“I know,” Arthur mused. “Always act like I’ve been gone for weeks.”

Merlin smiled, kissing Arthur’s head some more. “Can’t live without you.”

Arthur swallowed and looked up, kissing Merlin’s mouth, pushing his tongue in. When he pulled away, he cradled Merlin’s chin in his hand. Merlin stared back, lips swollen red and eyes glazed over.

“I’ll never understand why you love me so much,” Arthur swallowed again.

Merlin smiled lightly. “Soulmates can be platonic,” he whispered, kissing Arthur’s cheek.

“You think we’re soulmates?” His eyes went wide.

“Of course.” Merlin took Arthur’s hands in his. “That would be the only explanation why I love you this much. Why I can never get you out of my head.” Merlin’s eyes shone brightly, and Arthur blushed.

“You love me,” Arthur said.

“I love you more than anyone,” Merlin replied simply, shrugging. “And that will never change.” He wrapped his arms around Arthur’s neck.  Arthur was still giving him a wide-eyed stare, and Merlin rolled his eyes. “You’ve known that for years now, you dollophead. Don’t look so surprised.”

Arthur smiled warmly, ruffling Merlin’s hair. “Still gets me every time you say it.”

It was Merlin’s turn to blush. He ducked his head and kissed Arthur’s chin lightly, then hugged into him. “I love you, love you love you loveeee you,” Merlin sang.

“Merlin, you can’t sing,” Arthur laughed, nipping at his ear.

“Better than you can!” Merlin scoffed, kissing his cheek lightly but firmly before kicking him. Arthur laughed and rolled out of the way, beaming.

“Sing again.”

“No, apparently I can’t sing,” Merlin said mockingly. He turned away, crossing him arms.

After a moment, Arthur snuck up behind him and hooked an arm around his neck, dragging him down onto the bed. “Get off me, you smelly loaf!” Merlin laughed, giggling as he fell on top of Arthur.

“Thought you said you loved my smell!” Arthur continued to wrestle Merlin down.

“I lied!” Merlin squeaked, face disappearing under Arthur’s arms and chest. They scuffled around on the bed for a while, laughing. Then Arthur kissed Merlin’s cheek affectionately. “I love you so much, Merlin,” he said, still laughing lightly.

Merlin grinned. “I know you do.”

“Still intent on getting that wife?”

“Of course I am. I’m expected to." Merlin grabbed at Arthur’s head, but Arthur ducked away, eyes suddenly wary.

“Before you marry, I’ll make sure she knows just how horrible you are in bed. Then you’ll never get a wife and you’ll be stuck with me.” He sounded like he was only half joking.

Merlin’s blue eyes shadowed over with worry and he suddenly leaned in closer to Arthur. “You wouldn’t really, would you, Arthur?” _What wife would want to marry a man who didn’t get hard in bed?_

Arthur was silent for a while, his expression unreadable. Very, very quietly, Arthur spoke, eyes looking at everything but at Merlin. “You could… marry _me.”_

Merlin froze, staring at Arthur and holding his breath. Was he _serious?_ “Arthur… You’re-- you’re joking, right?” _Please be joking._

“I don’t know, Merlin, am I?” Arthur said, still not looking him in the eyes.

Merlin looked at his best friend a while longer, then sighed heavily. No, Arthur was definitely not joking. He felt a hard knot in his gut and a horrible churning feeling. “Arthur, best friends can’t marry each other,” he tried.

“Of course they can, Merlin, you idiot,” Arthur sighed. He grabbed Merlin’s hand and pulled him near, hugging him tightly into his chest. “You’re all I want. All I _need.”_ Arthur’s voice was low and desperate.

“Arthur…” Merlin breathed, taking in the warm familiar scent he’d long grown to love.

“Can’t you see, Merlin? I’m in love with you, and I’ll always be in love with you. If you got a wife…” Arthur hugged him tighter, until it became hard for him to breathe. “I’d die inside Merlin, if you got a wife.”

“Arthur, even if I got a wife, we’d still be best friends. Nothing would change between us.” Arthur let Merlin go and Merlin wrapped his hand around Arthur’s jaw, forcing Arthur to look him in the eyes. “Arthur, my wife would never, could _never, ever,_ in a _million years_ , replace you.”

Merlin saw something then, deep in the depths of Arthur’s eyes, that startled him. Almost with a jolt, he let go of Arthur’s jaw. What was that expression on Arthur’s face? He couldn’t even begin to put a name to it, or describe it, and it terrified him; shook him to his core. “Arthur--, Arthur, what is it?”

Arthur shook his head, refusing to look up.

“Arthur?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled, still not looking up.

“You know I’ll never replace you, right?” Merlin’s voice came out shrill, tinged with his growing panic. “You’ll always be my number one, _always._ I love you and nothing, _no one,_ can change that.” His voice trembled. He was trying desperately to make Arthur understand, to make him believe. “Arthur…?” Merlin asked quietly, voice meek. Why had Arthur given him that look? What wasn’t he telling him? “You believe me, _right?”_ Merlin’s clammy hands grabbed at Arthur’s wrists as his heart thudded loudly in his chest.

“I know,” Arthur said, blinking as if he had just come out of a trance. “I believe you.” Arthur lay flat on his back and closed his eyes.

“W-well, good.” Merlin’s voice was still a little unsteady as he lay down next to Arthur and put his head on the other man’s chest. “So you better remember it!”

Arthur chuckled, and Merlin crooned, “I will always love you more than anything else.” Merlin was smiling softly now, tracing his fingers around and around Arthur’s chest, moving down to his belly. Continuing, he murmured, “And remember that you fill every waking thought in my head. And everything about you speaks to my very soul. And no matter what, I will _always_ love you.”

Arthur let out a happy sigh, then drawled, “Merlin, you sound like you’re talking to someone you’re in love with.”

Merlin smiled. “That’s because I do love you.”

“How are you so sure you aren’t _in_ love with me?”

“Because I’m not gay,” he scoffed.

“So then tell me, Merlin, how often do you wank off to me?”

At that, Merlin blushed deeply, his face flushed with heat. “I don’t have to tell you that.” This was so embarrassing. He rolled away from Arthur and buried his face under a pillow, hoping Arthur would drop the subject soon, but knowing he wouldn't.

“Tell meeee.” Arthur nudged Merlin’s bottom with his feet.

“Shut up!” Merlin swatted at the space surrounding his arse in an attempt to fend Arthur’s pesky feet off.

Arthur grinned and leaned over him, grabbing his neck in both hands and sucking his ear. “We both know you do it. Just tell me how often.”

Merlin’s face burned. “I don’t want to talk about it. Go away!”

“So it’s _that_ often, I see...” Arthur said, eyes widening comically as he shook his head in shocked dismay.

Merlin rolled his eyes and looked up at the bastard, face beet-red. “Oh my _fuck_ Arthur, you arrogant ponce! It’s…”

Arthur’s eyes widened further at how easy it’d been to get Merlin to talk, and the smirk on his face grew. He leaned his face in, attention completely focused on Merlin.

“It’s... whenever you don’t fall asleep with me,” Merlin said quietly, looking away, ashamed.

Arthur blinked in surprise. “Merlin, that’s so cute!" he exclaimed, voice maybe a little too high-pitched.

Merlin groaned loudly and hid his face in the pillow again, blushing furiously.

Arthur moved on top of him then, swiftly lifting Merlin’s belly up from the mattress. “Whoa!” he yelped, head shooting up in surprise. "Arthur what are you--?"

“Can I wank you off, Merlin? Please?”

Merlin’s face turned even redder than it already was.

 _“Please?”_ Arthur was already mouthing hungrily at his ear and neck, humping into his arse. Merlin’s breathing got hard as he balanced himself on his arms, trying with all his might to not fall over. “Arthur..” he panted. _Arthur, stop it._

Arthur reached down and hurriedly undid Merlin’s trousers, taking out his already hard cock. “Think of me, okay? Like what you do when you’re wanking off alone.”

Arthur grabbed his cock and began fisting it quickly, holding Merlin tight as Merlin tried to squirm away. “Arthur, no!” he whined loudly, not nearly strong enough to push the other man away.

“C’mon,” Arthur moaned, continuing his constant onslaught on Merlin’s cock. Merlin breathed heavily. The overpowering, raw sensation of Arthur’s hand on him was too much. He bucked involuntarily into Arthur’s fist. “That’s right, you’re doing good,” Arthur whispered, kissing along his back as Merlin let out a cry. “Now calm down, relax. Just close your eyes and think about me.”

Merlin shook, crying a little. Arthur continued pumping him and humping his arse with his clothed groin. Merlin then shut his eyes, imagining Arthur like how he always did when he was alone. At this, he moaned, arching his back away from the other man, and Arthur continued pulling on him.

Merlin panted heavily, and try as he might, he couldn’t stop his needy body from shoving his arse ever closer into Arthur’s groin. “Arthur..” he whispered breathily. Merlin sat up in an effort to get away, but the Prince only sat on the bed behind him and continued pumping his cock. Merlin squirmed and whined pitifully, but Arthur’s strong arms weren’t budging an inch. Finally he gave up trying to escape, instead becoming lax in Arthur’s insistent hold as he huffed with exhaustion and frustration.  

Kissing his sides and back, Arthur’s hand never ceased it’s constant tugging. A while longer of this, and Merlin felt like he would explode. It wasn’t just the raw physical pleasure. He was having all these terrible feelings and thoughts as well. He couldn’t stop himself from picturing them doing all sorts of disgusting things to each other. No matter what he tried to do, the images came back and repeated themselves, over and over again. The longer Arthur continued touching him, the foggier his brain became. When this happened, the more perverted and obscene his thoughts became as well. Fighting them was an uphill battle that he was sorely losing. Hot tears continued rolling down his cheeks. He was a disgusting person.

Slowly, he twisted around to Arthur. Arthur smiled at him, blushing, and Merlin involuntarily bucked up at him, then kissed him. “Arthur..” he sighed, thrusting up into him. Why did this feel so good? Why didn’t it feel this way with Freya? He would’ve given anything for it to feel this way with her. At least then he would know he was a little bit normal.

Arthur moaned and pushed Merlin down so that he was on his back on the bed. “When you touch your cock at night, do you wish I was really there?”

Merlin opened his eyes a little, still breathing hard because Arthur had not stopped his tugging on Merlin. “Sometimes, yes, more than anything. But,” he had to pause to moan, much to Arthur’s amusement. “Mostly, I’m glad you’re not.” Arthur leaned in, sucking at his neck.

Merlin cried some more.

“Arthur, why do I feel this way?”

His best friend looked up, wiping Merlin’s tears away. “Feel like what?”

“I just.. I love you so much. So I have this horrible feeling of needing to be close to you in every way. Mentally, emotionally, … physically. Like if I could, I would cram my entire body into yours. I want to be one with you so bad, that when you’re actually in me, even if it’s not in the way I would prefer, it still feels unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.”

Arthur nodded, understanding. “I feel that way all the time, Merlin. Like needing to be as close to you as possible, to become one with you. And then I can’t stop myself.”

Merlin’s eyes widened. “Arthur..--”

“Don’t you get it at all?” Arthur asked, more harshly now. “That feeling is the feeling you get when you’re in love with someone. You don’t feel like cramming yourself into your father, _goodness forbid you don’t,_ no matter how much you love him, do you?” Merlin made a shocked, disgusted face as Arthur went on, “You don’t just love me, Merlin. You’re _in_ love with me! Why can’t you just accept that?”  

“No, you don’t know what you’re saying!” Merlin insisted. “I’d know if I was in love.”

“Merlin, suck my cock,” Arthur growled, untying his trousers and grabbing Merlin by the hair, shoving his face down.

Merlin grumbled angrily, taking Arthur’s cock. He lapped and sucked at it.

“Feels good?” Arthur asked breathily.

Merlin whimpered, not answering. His cock was erect and aching to ride Arthur. He wanted Arthur so bad, but his body was just confused. Arthur was wrong. He wasn’t in love, dammit. He loved Arthur, so his body wanted to literally _be one_ with Arthur. That was all. It wanted to be one with Arthur and would take anything Arthur dished out, and since Arthur was always, _always,_ fucking him, of course his body would take that, since it was closer than all the other kinds of physical contacts they made. _That was all!_ He wanted to be close to Arthur, close in every single way. But he didn’t want _this!_

Merlin kept sucking as he began to absentmindedly hump the bed with his leaking cock. “Arthur, your cock is really beautiful,” he said, letting it pop out of his mouth and looking up at Arthur with wide, confused eyes.

Arthur kept his hand in Merlin’s hair, rubbing Merlin’s scalp gently with his thumb. “You like sucking cock?”

Merlin shook his head from side to side. “Only yours,” he whispered, wiping at his burning eyes as he went back down on Arthur. He seared with shame at his confession. His _best friend’s_ cock. He liked his best friend’s cock. What kind of sick person was he? Merlin lapped at Arthur’s balls as Arthur groaned, then licked up Arthur’s stomach to his bellybutton. “I love you,” Merlin whined, nibbling at him.

Arthur whimpered softly, pulling Merlin up to his face and kissing him thoroughly. Merlin keened into the kiss, falling on his back and pulling Arthur down with him. Arthur ground down on Merlin’s cock with his own. “Nnngh,” Merlin whined, moaning. “Arthur, please stop. I... can’t handle any more of this.”  

“I’m never going to stop, you idiot,” Arthur growled, kissing Merlin’s neck and cheek and continuing to hump him. “So stop asking me,” he panted into Merlin’s ear.

Merlin cried silently, allowing Arthur to take off his trousers and toss them to the floor. “Arthur, please…” he whispered. “Please let me go.” As his heart hammered too quickly in his chest, his breathing suddenly became very shallow and he started to gasp continuously for air, which turned very quickly into hyperventilating. _Another panic attack._ “Arthur..!” he cried, clutching Arthur’s wrists. Merlin's face soon became the color of scarlet red. “Arthur, I can’t breathe,” he gasped, tears rolling down his face.

Arthur pulled away a little, hushing him. “Merlin, Merlin, it’s okay, try to relax.”

“I… _can’t!”_ Merlin choked, crying, still clutching Arthur’s wrists.

Arthur stared at him, and when he realized Merlin really _could not breathe,_ he became distraught. “Merlin!” Arthur grabbed him into a hug and rocked him slowly back and forth, all the while patting his back. Merlin continued gasping and hyperventilating. “Arthur, Arthur Arthur,” Merlin babbled, crying and leaning into the hug.

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Arthur murmured, clutching him too tightly.

After a while, Merlin felt his heart rate begin to slow. Despite being the cause for his attack, Arthur had succeeded in helping to calm him down considerably. Merlin choked out a relieved sigh when he found he could breathe normally again, and his head fell onto Arthur’s hard, warm, and very familiar chest. Merlin breathed in Arthur’s scent, which helped to calm him even further.

He knew that by now, he should associate everything-Arthur with pain, but clearly he never did. It was like his body ignored all Arthur’s bad and felt only the good. It was stupid and dangerous, but his body did what it did and Merlin apparently never had any control over it.

After he calmed down, Arthur lay him in bed and blew out the candles. Merlin was clammy with fear, curling his naked body tightly inward. Was Arthur going to try something again? He cried softly into the pillow, his back turned away from Arthur, who was hugging him tightly from behind.

When Arthur moved away for a few seconds, Merlin shivered without his warmth. He could hear the shuffling of Arthur’s trousers, and he shut his eyes, hoping with all his might Arthur wouldn’t do anything. Please, _don’t hurt me again._ Merlin gritted his teeth, and he was shaking.

He heard Arthur shifting back to him, wrapping too-strong arms around him again. Now they were both completely naked. Merlin could feel Arthur’s hard, burning cock pressed tightly against his arse, and he shuddered, so terrified he felt numb. Arthur curled his arms around Merlin, keeping his arms against Merlin’s stomach. Merlin didn’t dare move and hardly breathed. He was afraid any movement at all could cause Arthur to… He didn’t even want to think about it. He squeezed his eyes shut and cried harder. Then he felt soft lips at the top of his head, and at his ear, and Merlin blinked a few times, feeling better.

Arthur began moving his hands in a circular motion around Merlin’s chest, constantly planting soft, gentle kisses all around his shoulder and head and face. Merlin exhaled deeply, relaxing fully into his best friend’s touches.

 

When Merlin awoke in the middle of the night from a highly erotic dream, he was shocked to discover he had turned to face Arthur and was now rutting his cock furiously up and down on Arthur’s stomach. He’d smeared pre-come all over the Prince. Arthur’s eyes were wide open, gawking at Merlin and completely bewildered. Merlin forgot to stop moving for a couple of seconds, too stunned and much too aroused to stop right away.

Panting and out of breath, he ushered _every ounce_ of self-control in order to stop. He was so incredibly horny. Arthur was breathing hard too, and looked just as turned on as Merlin felt. Right then, Merlin wanted to kiss him, wanted to be close to him. He got up, straddling Arthur’s belly, and asked hoarsely, “May I?”

Arthur nodded fervently and squeaked out, _“Yes…!”_

Merlin went down on him, kissing Arthur’s chest, and sucking hard on his neck and jaw. As he kissed, Merlin’s hips hitched, and his cock was so hard, so sensitive, he couldn’t help moving his hips just a _little_ bit. Just a tiny bit of friction was all he needed.

But the more friction he allowed his cock, the more it only seemed to need. Little by little, he kept allowing himself to give more, and even more, until eventually he was full on fucking into Arthur’s stomach. Merlin could feel Arthur’s rock hard cock erect by his arse, and he needed it, needed to be _nearer_ to it. So Merlin rocked back just a tiny bit, until he felt it prodding at his skin. He breathed out in sheer pleasure at the small touch.

He lay there, kissing and riding Arthur, and Arthur whimpered, relishing these rare times where he didn’t have to use force to get Merlin to do this. Arthur just took it all in, his hands roaming in the younger man’s hair and on his back as he lay under Merlin and writhed with pleasure.

Eventually, Merlin pulled his head away from Arthur’s neck and moaned long and low, quickening his thrusting as he came all over his best friend. Arthur gasped when he felt the warm, sticky fluid coat his belly and chest.

Merlin finally settled down, breathing hard, and lay his head on Arthur’s chest, Arthur’s erection digging into his navel now.

“Merlin,” Arthur gasped, beginning to move his hips in short thrusts. “I _need…”_ That was when Merlin realized Arthur hadn’t come yet. Merlin buried his face in Arthur’s chest, allowing Arthur to fuck up into his belly, until finally he climaxed too. Arthur exhaled deeply and contentedly, and Merlin kept his face tucked into Arthur’s chest.

He racked his brain as he tumultuously tried to justify to himself what he’d just done. It hadn’t been wrong, since he did refrain from kissing Arthur’s mouth, and he’d only moved his body against Arthur’s belly. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Nothing out of line. What about when he moved his arse to brush against Arthur’s cock? But that was such a little thing. That didn’t count, did it? Merlin shivered, hugging Arthur tighter. He hadn’t done anything shameful. No, he wouldn’t, he didn’t.

Arthur wrapped a strong arm around him and murmured, “Kiss me, Merlin?”

Merlin’s head shot up almost too fast as he took Arthur’s mouth in his, kissing his best friend, the man he loved more than anyone else, thoroughly and passionately and tenderly. Their kiss lasted quite a while, Arthur bringing his hands up to cup Merlin’s jaw, and Merlin grasped Arthur’s neck, pulling them both ever closer.

Arthur broke the kiss by burying his face in Merlin’s neck, and then Merlin finally rolled off him and curled himself in towards Arthur, closing his eyes and holding Arthur’s hand. Arthur kissed his head, and like that, they both fell asleep.

The next morning, Merlin woke up first.

Arthur was sleeping on his belly, and Merlin, to his chagrin, quickly discovered that his face was buried underneath Arthur’s chest. "You’re-- suffocating me!” he squeaked, shoving Arthur’s heavy body off.

Arthur stirred, blinking blearily at him. “Wha--? Merlin?” he asked sleepily.

Merlin grabbed a pillow and whacked Arthur lightly over the face with it. “Wake up, sleepyhead,” he grinned, sitting up to stretch and yawn.

Arthur followed suit and sat up too, watching Merlin with undisguised affection. “You are very cute when you yawn," the Prince observed.

Merlin laughed quietly. “And you,” he bopped Arthur on the nose with a finger, “are never cute.”

Arthur chuffed, nearly giggling, and rolled his (perfect) blue eyes.

“Were you aware that you spent half the entire night smothering me?” Merlin asked accusingly.

“Sorry about that.” Arthur smiled widely and didn’t sound sorry at all.

Merlin tackled him with the pillow. “Prat!”

Arthur fell on his face on the bed, and Merlin practically climbed on top of him, straddling his back and shoulders while pushing his head down onto the bed with the pillow. Arthur got up on his knees, the motion forcing Merlin to slide off. Then Arthur reached behind him to grab Merlin’s left arm and wrapped it around his chest as he went down on all fours.

“Whoa,” Merlin huffed, grinning into Arthur’s skin. The pillow was forgotten as Merlin felt his cock begin to harden, digging into Arthur’s arse. Arthur rocked back and forth teasingly, then he fell onto his face, arse sticking up in the air. He brought Merlin down with him, and Merlin laughed, bending to give a quick peck to Arthur’s side.

Merlin got off his best friend and made to leave, gently pulling out of Arthur’s semi-stubborn grasp. When he managed to free himself, Arthur made a muffled high-pitched, sad noise into the bed. Merlin looked back at him fondly, then turned back to look for his shirt. He grabbed it and was just about to slip it on when he happened a glance behind him again.

Arthur had gotten up into a sitting position and was gripping his cock, jerking off slowly and staring right at him. Arthur grinned, his mouth parted slightly. Merlin felt his heart stutter and his face heat up as he nearly did a double-take. Internally, he was screaming. This shouldn’t turn him on, it shouldn’t matter that his best friend was touching himself in front of him. He needed to calm down and start thinking like a _normal_ man for once in his life.

Merlin swallowed hard and turned around again, going back to trying to get his shirt on, when he heard Arthur’s moan. It was quiet but needy, and Merlin’s half-hard cock stood straight up. Trembling with want, he slowly turned back to watch Arthur. Arthur had his eyes closed now, and was desperately pulling at himself. As he continued to watch, Merlin accidentally dropped his shirt. Bending down to pick it up, he heard another moan, louder this time. Merlin looked up, forgetting his shirt, and crept over, sitting down carefully next to Arthur.

When Merlin sat down, Arthur opened his eyes and rolled his head onto his shoulder to look at Merlin, smiling teasingly. Merlin held his breath, smiling back and completely captivated. Arthur then leaned over to rest his head on Merlin’s shoulder instead, and he continued wanking himself off. Merlin found it was becoming extremely hard to breathe properly.

After a while, he couldn’t resist putting a hand lightly over the hand of Arthur’s that was jerking on his cock. Arthur’s eyes blinked open with surprise, and Merlin pressed his palm a little harder on Arthur’s hand, reaching up to kiss his best friend’s cheek gently. Arthur smiled shyly, and Merlin sat back again, criss-crossing his legs and leaning back on his arms, happy to just watch. Arthur blushed. “You should wank off, too.”

Merlin bit his bottom lip. “Should I?”

Arthur shot him a shockingly seductive leer. “We’re best friends, aren’t we?" He was practically purring.

Merlin leaned into Arthur and kissed him lightly on the shoulder, then took his own cock in hand.

Together, they jerked off, both panting and staring into each other’s eyes. Merlin didn’t have to fantasize about anything. Just having Arthur fisting his cock in such close proximity gave him all the arousal he needed to very thoroughly get off. In the back of his mind, he was scorching with shame, but at the moment, he didn’t want to focus on that. He just wanted to stare into Arthur’s bright blue eyes and occasionally glance down at his prince’s beautiful pink cock.

Merlin’s face heated up when Arthur bucked, moaning his name. Merlin jerked on himself even harder. Then Arthur came a couple seconds later, and the moment he came, the prat angled his cock towards Merlin, spraying Merlin all over with his come. This did him in, and Merlin came immediately, mouth wide open with shock. _“Arthur!”_

Merlin wiped at Arthur’s come, and before he knew what he was doing, he’d sucked it right off the side of his thumb. Immediately, his self-disgust rose like bile in his throat, and Merlin couldn’t believe how far he’d fallen. Before he could think more on it, Arthur asked, “Taste good?”

Merlin looked up, and Arthur reached over to him and wiped off a slab of come from his chest, sucking that up. Merlin stiffened, feeling his cock twitch. Arthur didn’t seem to notice, but then he reached over and swiped a thumb over the red, throbbing, _very_ sensitive tip of Merlin’s cock. Merlin gasped, nearly bucking, and Arthur licked his thumb, reaching over to swipe at more on Merlin’s tip.

“You taste like sweet honey,” Arthur groaned happily, turning so that he was half facing Merlin. He roughly leaned his entire body into Merlin’s as Merlin giggled softly, allowing himself to be shoved back a bit by Arthur’s body. Merlin loved this physical contact.

Then Arthur gave Merlin a quick, hard kiss to the cheek and moved away again. Merlin was so horny, so turned on, he didn't want Arthur to pull away, but he refused to let himself do anything stupid, so he mustered all his self-control and stayed where he was, making sure to clutch the sheets so that his hands wouldn’t somehow move on their own and grab Arthur’s cock or something. The temptation he felt truly disturbed him. Why did he want so badly to do something so troubling, so _unnatural?_

Wanting to lick off the come, Arthur swiped at the head of Merlin’s cock again, and again, and again, and soon Merlin was humping and panting into the touch, eyelids heavy as he tried to keep them open. Arthur never swiped nearly enough, always leaving an ample amount of come on his cock (and more had inevitably leaked out).

Eventually, having had just about enough, Merlin croaked, “T-think it’d be faster if you just..” he gasped as Arthur ran a finger over his tip again, this time pausing to rub his thumb in a circular motion to get at the come that had just started leaking out. “...licked it off,” Merlin finished, squeaking.

Arthur looked up at Merlin through his long lashes, wonderfully blue eyes widening innocently. “Really?” Arthur sounded surprised, but a knowing, quirky grin was beginning to widen on his face. “Brilliant idea, Merlin!” he beamed, eyes brimming with brazen amusement.

Merlin only nodded, unable to speak again, and Arthur bent down, licking widely at his tip. Merlin felt awash in pleasure, a guttural groan escaping from his lips, and he tilted his head back, panting and thrusting a little into Arthur’s mouth. Arthur continued licking and sucking, and Merlin went dizzy with bliss. He didn’t want Arthur to stop. Arthur should take his time. Lick off all the last remaining come on his cock.

Arthur finished licking off most of the come, about to stand up again, but Merlin’s hand shot out and he grabbed at Arthur’s hair, pulling him back down. “Y-you missed a spot,” he stuttered, mind going feverish with want. Arthur grinned indulgently. “Sorry.” And he was back at Merlin’s cock again.

Merlin was so disgusted with himself he wanted to vomit. He could feel the ashamed tears just moments away from leaking out, and he willed them away. What would his parents think of him, if they were to see him now? “What in the world happened to me?” Merlin whispered, so quietly it was hardly audible. He wrapped his arms around Arthur’s head and pulled him up, resting his cheek on top of Arthur’s head. A few stray tears rolled down his face and he immediately wiped at them, not wanting Arthur to see.

Arthur leaned into Merlin’s sweet, warm embrace. Then Arthur reached to his own cock and wiped at the come there, looking up at Merlin with those large, affectionate eyes Merlin loved. He offered his sticky index and middle fingers to him, and Merlin didn’t want to want it, but he did. He wanted to taste it, to taste Arthur.

Arthur prodded at his lips teasingly, and then pushed his fingers all the way in. Merlin submissively allowed the penetration, and he sucked slowly, eyes gradually shutting all the way. Before he knew it, he was sucking enthusiastically, and soon he had sucked and licked all the come off.

He opened his eyes, face flushed, and Arthur leaned in and kissed his cheek tenderly. “Like sucking?” Arthur asked, voice languid. A grin was spreading on his semi-arrogant face.

Merlin nodded, fully aware of his still-hard cock. They stared at each other a moment more, and then Arthur’s expression turned serious. “Merlin,” he leaned in, whispering in Merlin’s ear, “I do love you _very_ much.” Arthur stood up, ruffled Merlin’s black hair, and went to put on some clothes.

Three years passed.

Merlin was twenty three.

Arthur was twenty eight.

Uther had lost his life ten months ago, killed in a skirmish, and Arthur became Camelot’s new king. Under King Arthur’s rule, the kingdom flourished and peace settled over the lands. He was known far and wide as a fair, just, and noble ruler, and Merlin couldn’t be prouder.

The kingdom seemed to expect their king to marry straightaway, but Arthur remained silent on the topic. Once, merely on a whim, Merlin brought it up, and Arthur had grumbled, left the room, and proceeded to sulk about it for the rest of the week. After that, Merlin was careful to never bring it up again.

With so much talk about the King’s impending (or more precisely, _imaginary)_ marriage, Merlin got to thinking about looking for a wife himself. However, between all his time following Arthur around, taking care of Arthur, and making sure Arthur was happy, he never had the time to even begin looking for a proper wife. And even worse, King Dollophead insisted on hot and heavy make-out sessions whenever a nice young lady just so much as _glanced_ Merlin’s way. Of course, Arthur almost always noticed them long before he did (Merlin was always too busy with Arthur to keep a proper eye out for the ladies).

Throughout the years, Merlin was very nearly always with Arthur and scarcely slept in his own bed anymore. He washed their clothes, made Arthur’s bed, and kept everything in Arthur’s room tidy and organized. Sometimes he cooked too, since Arthur always enjoyed his cooking. Now that Arthur was king, Merlin was seated on the throne beside him whenever he addressed the people. Before Arthur made any big decisions, he consulted with Merlin first, and the end decision was made only after they both agreed on it.

To everyone, Merlin seemed as chipper and as bright as always. Few could have guessed the terrible emotions he harbored, bubbling just beneath his exterior. Every time he gave in to his sexual feelings, every time Arthur forced him down and made him feel... _those things_ , he died a little inside. Merlin was slowly becoming increasingly troubled and depressed, sinking into a dark pit that he could not pull himself out of. Arthur never seemed to notice any of this. Merlin hid it well because he loved Arthur and didn’t want Arthur to worry.

One day, Arthur decided he wanted to go hunting. They ended up not doing very much hunting at all. Once in the woods, Arthur playfully tackled Merlin down and proceeded to make sweet, sweet love to him.

As Arthur pounded into his wet, aching hole, Merlin threw his head back in euphoria and moaned. “A-arthur.. Arthur..,” he whined, pulling Arthur even closer.

They went on like this for quite some time. Before he knew it, Merlin was screaming for Arthur to go faster, _harder._ His voice seemed to echo throughout the trees, and that’s when he saw them. His parents. They were on horseback, riding over in Merlin and Arthur’s general direction.

Merlin immediately scrambled up to a sitting position, his face stark-red and his entire body aflame with the most shame he’d ever felt. He was beyond mortified. His parents! They had seen, and _heard,_ him acting like a desperate, wanton whore to the man they knew had been _raping_ him his whole life. What must they think of him now?

Arthur sat back, alarmed at first, but when he saw Merlin’s parents, his alarm quickly turned to concern for Merlin.

“T-they saw me,” Merlin stammered, shaking. Tears were already beginning to dribble down his cheeks. He watched as his parents paused in shock, then swerved to move around him, before continuing on to the castle. Of course they would move around _him_. Why would they want to speak to him now?

“Merlin, it’s alright,” Arthur tried, but Merlin shook his head vigorously.

“No! Did you see that Arthur? They completely avoided me! They don’t want to talk to me anymore. They’re probably ashamed to call me their son, ashamed they ever gave birth to such a good-for-nothing _cock slut!”_

Arthur quirked up his eyebrows. “Now Merlin, that’s a bit extreme. Of course they avoided _us._ We’re two grown men fucking in the woods. Did you think they would ride up and make friendly chit chat? Maybe set up a picnic?”

Merlin was already gathering his clothes. He was shaking and crying, and he could feel his chest constricting painfully. He was beginning to hyperventilate. In his rush to get his clothes on, Merlin tripped and would have sprawled right into the nearby stream, had it not been for Arthur reaching out quickly to steady him.

“Don’t touch me!” Merlin impulsively cried out, slapping Arthur’s hands away.

“Merlin..”

“No!” Merlin tried to ignore the hurt in Arthur’s eyes, but instead the pain he felt at hurting Arthur only caused him to cry harder.

“Merlin, you’re having another one of your episodes. Stay with me until you calm down,” Arthur tried again.

Merlin tottered away, ignoring his king and not once looking back. His mind was a black hurricane of thoughts and fears and emotions. He hated himself, he hated everything Arthur had turned him into. And he was trapped. Trapped in this sort of despicable way of living forever. He already knew he could never leave. He loved Arthur far too much, and he’d miss Arthur if he left. Arthur was his life.

But Arthur made him hate his life. And now, and now, his parents hated him too. _Had_ that been hatred he saw in their eyes? He couldn’t be sure. His memory was hazy now, but it _could’ve_ been. It probably was. Who wouldn’t hate him after what they saw? He had been begging his rapist to keep going. He had _liked_ it, he had wanted it, wanted _more_ of it. He was a sick, disgusting freak, and now his parents knew it, too. _It’s who I am, I’m a freak and I’ll always be a freak._

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Arthur running after him. He didn’t notice until Arthur lightly touched his shoulder. High strung and on edge, Merlin whipped around, shrieking, _“Stop!”_ before slapping Arthur straight across the face.

Arthur blinked at him, pain, shock, and hurt causing his face to crumple, and then Merlin spun back around again and continued to stumble, very slowly, away. Arthur didn’t come after him again. This knowledge caused the ache in Merlin’s heart to burn ever deeper.

He made his way into the castle’s attic and lay down in the hay. His world began blurring, and Merlin started seeing double as he continued to sob loudly. Everything seemed to twist upside down, twisting, twisting, and eventually he wasn’t sure if he was on the floor, the ceiling, or on one of the walls. Perhaps it was the fact that he was still hyperventilating and therefore not getting enough oxygen. Merlin couldn’t be sure, but he stayed there crying as everything continued to blur, and colors and shapes began twisting disproportionately in his eye’s mind.

He spent all the rest of that day and all night there, screaming silently.

Arthur didn’t come find him.

That broke his heart.

Arthur hated him now, too.

Was it the slap? Merlin trembled. _He didn’t mean to hit Arthur._

No one cared about him anymore. Arthur wouldn’t care if he stayed up in that attic for a whole month, or for forever. He’d lost everyone.

Merlin heard voices whispering things in his head.

He couldn't understand what they were saying, but they sounded terrifying.

 

That afternoon, as if on autopilot, he got up on a nearby stool, tied a rope around the wooden beam near the ceiling, and then finally, around his neck. Once he was sure the rope would hold, he kicked the stool out from under him. The sudden rush of pain to his throat caused him to whimper, and his mind went black, save for the white noise buzzing in his ears. It was painful now, but he knew it would all be over soon.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Merlin thought he heard a distant shout, and then his body was hoisted up to prevent further choking. _Arthur?_ He opened his eyes, and sure enough, Arthur had a knife in hand, quickly cutting Merlin down. The older man was frantic, his blue eyes wide, and he was crying loudly. “Merlin, Merlin, Merlin,” Arthur choked out. “I fall asleep for _one second_ and this is what you _do?!”_ He was shouting now.

Merlin’s swollen red eyes widened. _What?_

It is only then that he becomes fully aware of his surroundings for the first time. Tucked away, not fifteen feet from where he’d been, is Arthur’s bright red cape. Merlin felt a warm flutter in his chest. Arthur _had_ followed him. He’d waited up with him this whole time.

Merlin felt a hard slap to his face. His eyes refocused and he looked up at Arthur.

“Why would you do something like that?!” Arthur screamed, shaking him. _“Why?”_

Merlin blinked a few times, not knowing where to begin. Arthur hadn’t stopped crying. He was full-on sobbing, and Merlin cried harder. He didn’t want Arthur to cry. Only he got to cry, because he was a nobody, and Arthur was the best king Camelot’s ever known.

“Are you that ashamed of us?!” Arthur yelled, his face bright red. _“ANSWER ME!”_

Merlin winced at Arthur’s fingers, which were digging very painfully into his shoulders. “M-my parents--”

“No!” Arthur screamed, shoving Merlin hard to the ground. “YOU ARE NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ALLOWED TO LEAVE ME!”

“I didn--”

“NOT THROUGH DEATH, _ESPECIALLY!”_ Arthur was livid, his eyes gone wild and crazed. Merlin could see Arthur was visibly shaking, and it sent a thrill of fear through him. “You’re so ashamed of us that you’d _kill_ yourself?” Arthur raged on. Before Merlin could say anything, Arthur dragged him up by his upper arm. Merlin was dragged through the castle, outside, and then all the way down to town square. “Arthur, what are you doing?” Merlin’s whispered voice was edged with panic.

Arthur tossed him down onto the hard dirt ground. “Ladies and gentlemen! Merlin here wants to put on a show!”

Merlin’s blood ran cold and his heart dropped. _No. He wouldn’t._

As the confused crowd gathered around their revered King, Merlin tried once again to run, but Arthur grabbed him and forced him down.

“Arthur, no no, please stop!” he begged.

Arthur tore at his clothes, and Merlin twisted and cried loudly. “No! Stop! _Arthur!”_ The terrifying look in Arthur’s eyes was one he had never seen before, but even then, Merlin realized that it didn’t look out of place on Arthur’s face at all.

He sobbed as more people gathered. His vision was so blurry with tears that he could barely make out their faces, and the sound of his screaming and his viciously pounding heart was so loud in his ears that it drowned out nearly the entire crowd.

Soon he was naked, and then Arthur, still fully clothed, reached into his trousers and took out his cock. With no preparations whatsoever, he savagely drove it into Merlin. A shrieking scream ripped from Merlin’s lungs, and he gulped in huge amounts of air as he gasped from the pain. He felt every muscle and sinew in his body bunch up. He was sobbing, begging, but Arthur showed no signs of letting up, continuing to thrust savagely into his hole.

Merlin lashed out at him, clawing and kicking and biting like an animal. He’d never truly gotten violent with his best friend before, could never bear to hurt him, but now Merlin felt like he was fighting for something akin to his life, his very _soul._

When Arthur finally punched him in the face, the shock stilled Merlin for a second, and then Arthur was dragging him to a wooden pole meant for holding livestock. Arthur grabbed a thick rope still hanging from it and roughly tied up Merlin’s wrists. Merlin screamed and tried to drag away, but Arthur was so much stronger. The King bound his wrists so tightly that Merlin winced in pain after Arthur was done tying them.

When Arthur got behind him again, Merlin moved his body around in a vain attempt to dislodge his attacker, but Arthur easily forced himself inside, leaving Merlin only to sob. It _hurt._ So much.

As Arthur kept thrusting into him, Merlin eventually slumped against the pole, exhausted.

“Untie me,” he croaked after a while, wincing as another thrust from Arthur made the ropes scratch at his raw and bruised wrists. Arthur grunted, but mercifully reached over and undid the ropes. Merlin slumped to the dirt, groaning in absolute relief.   

As he lay there and Arthur went back to pumping in and out of him, eventually the pain dulled, and he could feel his cock begin to fatten as it twitched. _No no no._

“LOOK! HE’S HARD! HE’S LIKING IT!” Arthur immediately jeered, grabbing Merlin’s hard cock and shaking it about for all to see.

Merlin whimpered and cried into the ground, gasping for breath. By now, he was shaking uncontrollably. He couldn’t breathe. He was numb, and even though he was taking in huge gulps of air, it wasn’t enough.

“You ashamed? ARE YOU ASHAMED NOW?” Arthur screamed, grabbing Merlin up into a sitting position and shaking him violently. Merlin’s face was bright red, and he focused on trying to get in air. Arthur tossed him back down, hard.

Merlin continued to cry, and his hands went up to his neck as he wheezed. This was all too much. The crowd, Arthur, the absolute humiliation. Merlin was getting increasingly light-headed with oxygen deprivation.

Then Arthur cradled one hand behind Merlin’s scalp as he reached with the other to grab Merlin’s clothes. In one deft movement, Arthur crashed the clothing down on Merlin’s face, smothering him. Arthur’s other hand moved to strangle him, and Merlin gurgled and choked. He tried to scream, but with the King’s strong hands around his throat, Merlin found that no sound came out. _Arthur is going to kill me._ Merlin struggled a tiny bit, but otherwise he began to go still. He could only faintly feel Arthur fucking into him again.

As everything nearly went black, Arthur drew back the clothes and let go of Merlin’s neck. Merlin gasped for air, coughing, his eyes red and bulging.

“You hate me that much, do you, Merlin?” Arthur growled, hips snapping against Merlin’s as he tugged at Merlin’s hair painfully. Merlin’s chest hurt like hell, and his head throbbed, but he used all his remaining strength, every last ounce, to shakily struggle up onto his hands and knees, dislodging Arthur’s cock from his arse in the process. He actually managed to speak coherently, even if it was only in a hoarse gasp.

“I-I could never hate you. I love you.”

Arthur visibly flinched, and Merlin pushed his arse at Arthur’s cock gently, pressing himself against it. He looked over his shoulder at Arthur and whimpered, “I’m sorry I made you so mad. Please forgive me. Let’s just forget all this ever happened.” Merlin longed for his sweet Arthur, his kind Arthur. The one who flecked his cheeks with kisses rather than punches, whose hands were gentle rather than punishing. He longed for the Arthur he grew up with and loved so much. If he just stopped fighting, maybe that Arthur would return to him.

Arthur grabbed Merlin’s hair and shoved the side of his face down into the dust. He climbed on top and pushed his cock inside. Merlin closed his eyes and grunted.

“Merlin, you fucking _idiot,”_ Arthur hissed. Merlin let out a loud cry when Arthur’s cock hit his prostate. His cock leaked precome, darkening the ground under him when it dripped down. Merlin panted, feeling his body flush up and constrict, this time, with pleasure instead of pain.   

“If you stay with me now, I’ll never let you go,” Arthur threatened, his voice dark. “I’ll never stop fucking you. I’ll never stop ramming my big fucking cock inside you. Every _single_ fucking day. And I’ll make sure you never get a wife. I’ll force you to fuck me for the rest of your life. Now tell me Merlin, do you love me? Do you _still love me?_ Fuck, I swear, if you say you love me, I’ll really do it. I’ll keep you forever and I’ll make your life a living hell. Because I will fuck you until you give in. Until your learn to enjoy it, until you stop crying every _damn_ time and love it-- truly love it. I’ll _never, ever stop.”_

Merlin was still sobbing, this time his face flat down on the ground. He could hardly believe his horrible fortune. He spluttered when he almost choked on inhaled dust.

Arthur was still fucking him, harder and rougher now, and Merlin whimpered as he tried to hide his face. “I love you,” Merlin whispered. Before Arthur was sure what he was hearing, Merlin reached an arm all the way up to wrap a hand around Arthur’s neck, and then he yanked Arthur’s face down to his on the ground. Arthur inhaled sharply, and Merlin mumbled, “I will always love you.”

That did it.

Arthur hoisted him up with far, far more force than strictly necessary, and Merlin’s eyes widened in fear. Instinctively, his arms shot out to grab his clothes, but Arthur roughly kicked his arms away. “You won’t be needing those!” he laughed, and the crowd, which had gotten rowdy and excited a long time ago, laughed with him.

Towards the back of the crowd, Merlin thought he could make out Gwen and Elyan. They were being ushered back by guards, and.. was Gwen crying? He didn’t have time to think as Arthur dragged him away again. Merlin grabbed on to random poles or doors or market stalls, anything to try to get away, but Arthur only yanked him away each time.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” It was Morgana. Merlin looked up and saw her face convulsed in pure rage. She flew at Arthur and attacked him, clawing at his face. “LET HIM GO!” She was screaming and crying as guards, with surprising difficulty, dragged her away. _“FUCK YOU_ ARTHUR PENDRAGON! I will NEVER forgive this!” The always-present crowd, so impossibly entertained by it all, was so loud, Merlin barely caught her words. Arthur didn’t seem fazed at all, and he continued pulling Merlin away from the town square.

As Arthur yanked a struggling Merlin around the corner of a shop, Merlin accidentally slammed his face right into the brick wall of the building. He gasped, pain shooting through him as a terrifying amount of blood shot from his nose and rushed down his face. When Arthur saw the blood, Merlin could’ve sworn he saw guilt flash in his eyes, but it disappeared quickly as Arthur continued to drag him onwards.

When they finally made it to Arthur’s chambers, Arthur shoved Merlin down on his knees and pulled out his cock. “Suck,” he commanded. Merlin looked up, tears never stopping. Blood continued dripping down his chin and onto his chest and kerchief.

Crying loudly, he took Arthur’s cock in his mouth and sucked gently, carefully. He didn’t even know it was possible to hate himself more than he already did, but in that moment, he did, because as he sucked, his cock took interest, and soon he was fully erect, pale cock sticking straight out, _yearning_ for the warmth of Arthur. Arthur seemed to notice too, and he pulled his cock out of Merlin’s mouth. With his boot, Arthur very lightly nudged at Merlin’s slender cock, causing it to bob up and down. Merlin cried out a strangled moan, gasping. He was so _hard._  

Arthur hoisted Merlin up and easily carried him over his shoulder to his bed. He threw Merlin down, hard enough that he bounced a few times. Then Arthur began stripping.

Merlin lay there, frozen in fear. He tried to tell himself to breathe. He told himself that surely the worst had passed. He couldn’t stop crying though, and shaking, but he’d calmed himself down a fraction. Only then did he begin to notice the stinging, biting pain around his neck and wrists. Both were bruised black and blue, raw, and bleeding a little in some areas.   

Once naked, Arthur straddled him, and Merlin shivered. Then Arthur shoved into Merlin’s sore hole, and Merlin struggled slightly, but otherwise went limp and pliant once Arthur really got to work. Merlin shut his eyes and bit his lip, still crying, but silently now.

Arthur, still thrusting, bent and took Merlin’s mouth in a surprisingly tender kiss. Merlin refused to open to him, knowing how easily he’d fall if he allowed the kiss. Arthur’s kisses were always his undoing. If he kissed back, how could he ever resist his King, his _best friend?_

Arthur tongued at his lips for a few seconds, his mouth begging, until Merlin was forced to face the fact that Arthur would find his way in somehow or other, and so he finally allowed him access. Both Arthur’s mouth and tongue were wet, warm, and tantalizingly tender, and Merlin didn’t want to want Arthur’s kiss.

Despite what he did or didn’t want, Merlin kissed back like how he was expected to. Carefully at first, but, his heart filling with dread, he soon recognized the rabid fervor with which he was beginning move his lips and tongue. He knew then that he couldn’t stop himself. He tangled his fingers in Arthur’s hair, pulling him in closer. The kiss felt so good, so _Arthur,_ and Merlin didn’t want them to stop. Arthur kept rutting into him, and Merlin moaned, his hard cock getting ample friction off of Arthur’s stomach. He wanted more, _so much more_ of this.

They kept moving, moving for the longest time, Arthur’s hips constantly snapping up into Merlin and Merlin writhing in pure pleasure. They were panting harshly when Arthur at last pulled his face away. He looked Merlin straight in the eyes, and he was crying, despite still fucking into him.

“Arthur..?”

Arthur quickly shushed him and wrapped strong arms around him, embracing Merlin fully and completely. He breathed Merlin in, tucking his nose into Merlin’s semi-wet hair and hugging him like he was Arthur’s personal teddy bear. He kissed Merlin’s cheeks and wiped the blood away from Merlin’s nose and neck. They kissed again, desperately and sweetly, and when Arthur went back to hugging him, Merlin hugged back.

Then Arthur pulled away a second time, and, thrusting gently in and out, he spoke, voice ragged. “Merlin, I’m so sorry.”

Merlin propped up on his elbows and reached over to wipe the tears from his best friend’s eyes. “It’s okay--”

“No!” Arthur yelled, startling Merlin’s hand away. “It’s not okay, and you’ve been making excuses for my behavior your entire life.”

Merlin’s eyes were glazed over though, and he looked like his mind was anywhere but on Arthur’s words. Indignantly, Arthur shook him. “Are you even paying attention to me?”  

Merlin blinked a couple times, face flushed red. “Yes,” he panted. “T-though, you could pull out while you talk?” he suggested meekly. He couldn't imagine how Arthur could possibly think fucking and having a serious conversation at the same time would work. At least not with him.

Huffing, Arthur slipped his cock out, and Merlin sighed. Then Arthur lay on top of him, their cocks shoved up against each other, and Merlin’s dopey-eyed look suddenly came back again. This time, a smug, slightly amused grin spread on Arthur’s face, and he pecked the top of Merlin’s sweet-smelling head. “Pay attention, Merlin.”

“I am!” Merlin blubbered, face reddening more than it already was.

Arthur cleared his throat. Clearly he was having a hard time with this. His eyes were beginning to go red again. Speaking slowly, Arthur said quietly, “I fully understand I was the cause for your pain. The pain that... made you nearly,” he took a shaky breath. “...take your own life.” At this, his voice cracked, and he began to cry again. “Merlin, I’m so sorry. Nothing I do will ever make up for the pain I’ve caused you. You, the more important person in my life. And I couldn’t bear for you to die. To know that in this world, you don’t exist anymore. It would destroy me.”

Merlin felt tears prick at his eyes, and when Arthur hugged him, sobbing into his neck, Merlin sobbed too. They held each other and cried for what seemed like forever.

When Arthur could speak again, he murmured quietly, “I know that, if I truly love you, I will be able to let you go. To let you be happy, even if it’s not with me.” Merlin’s eyes widened, larger than they’ve ever been.

“What are you saying?” he whispered, afraid to move, afraid to breathe. He was scared any sudden movement or noise would suddenly shatter Arthur’s resolve, would suddenly make Arthur change his mind.

“Go marry. Get a wife. And I swear on my mother’s memory, I won’t ever touch you again.” Merlin could see the set determination and utter resolution on Arthur’s face. In that moment, the King looked more serious and intense than Merlin’s ever remembered him looking.

Arthur buried his face into Merlin’s blood-caked neck. Then he again moved his hips, easing his cock back into Merlin’s hole. “This will be our last time,” Arthur breathed shallowly. “If I am to keep my promise, Merlin, you must leave Camelot and never come back.”

 _“What?”_ Merlin choked, tearing his face and neck away from Arthur. Arthur numbly ignored his outburst, only hugging Merlin back to him as he continued fucking into him.

“Arthur!” Merlin protested.

Arthur looked up at him, cueing him to continue speaking as he continued driving his hips into Merlin.

“What do you mean I have to leave Camelot _if I got a wife?”_ The anger bubbling up inside Merlin threatened to burst. “I can’t _leave_ you! I love you!” he full-on shouted.

Arthur broke eye contact. “You must. I will never be able to trust myself around you. If you continue to live here, I don’t know how long my resolution will last.”

“Arthur,” Merlin growled, grabbing Arthur’s biceps and forcing Arthur to look at him. Gritting his teeth, he spat, “I was going to kill myself because I’d rather die trying to escape my life here than _leave you.”_  

Arthur looked flabbergasted, as if he had never quite thought of it that way before, and finally his thrusts halted. The King’s eyes were round with awe and confusion, and he had to take a quiet moment to process what the other man had just said.

Finally, without a single word, Arthur resumed his pounding into Merlin. This time, as he stared down at the ethereal man beneath him, it was with a new sense of wonder.

Merlin moaned quietly, wrapping his legs around his Arthur’s waist. He buried his face in Arthur’s shoulder and neck and continued moaning as the King moved in deeper, slowly, and sensually, still hitting him deep and hard at the end of each drawn-out thrust.

Merlin let out a low, guttural groan as his entire body moved to this new rhythm. Arthur suckled gently around his neck and shoulders, and then kissed even more gently all around his face, running his hands through Merlin’s semi-damp hair. Merlin could do nothing but take the pleasure, his eyes shut tightly and his head swimming with lust and want. He internally cursed Arthur for knowing how to pleasure him as well as he did. Merlin’s soft, pliant body allowed Arthur to do whatever he wanted, and Merlin keened quietly in absolute pleasure.

“Then...,” Arthur whispered, still fucking him slowly and peering up through long, wet lashes. Arthur’s blue eyes were so much bluer, electric even, in contrast with his pink cheeks and swollen red lips.

Low voice tinged with a quiet, horrible desperation, Arthur asked, “...marry me, Merlin?” Merlin felt his heart suddenly stutter, and then, at another slow thrust from Arthur, his head fell back, and Merlin moaned again, low and long. He hugged Arthur tight and buried his face in him, taking in Arthur’s wonderfully familiar scent. Arthur moved faster in him, and Merlin kept moaning and whining with pleasure, panting and arching up into him. Nodding his head fervently, he gasped, “Yes, yes, Arthur, I’ll marry you.” Immediately after, both he and Arthur came.

Needless to say, everyone was quite shocked when the (consenting) engagement was announced. Even on the day of the wedding, a few people still looked like they were fully expecting Merlin to be dragged, kicking and screaming, to the altar.

Merlin, however, knew this was the way it had to be. Here, at the wedding altar with Arthur, was where he was always going to end up. Did he actually think he ever really stood a chance? That it was ever going to end any other way? He would rather die than marry a woman and then have to stay away from Arthur for the rest of his life, and if he was never going to marry, if he was really going to spend the rest of his life fucking Arthur Pendragon, then why not seal the deal? Why not make it official, make Arthur happy, and just marry him? He _was_ marrying for love, just not the kind of love everyone thought of when they thought of a married couple.

When the words, “I do,” left Merlin’s lips, he’d never been more sure of anything in his entire life. For once, he knew, without a shred of a doubt, that this was what he was always meant to do. His place would always be by Arthur’s side, now, and forever.

That night, after their wedding, Arthur took Merlin to their chambers. Merlin allowed his new husband to strip him of his clothes and have slow, gentle sex with him. For the first time in his entire life, he put up no resistance whatsoever. “I’m completely and wholly yours now,” he had explained.

Very soon after their marriage, something changed in Arthur. He was calmer, like he was _finally_ secure about Merlin’s love for him, and he no longer needed to have sex with Merlin every single day to prove it to himself. He now allowed Merlin to take a lot of nights at his own pace. Not every intimate late-night touch turned into sex anymore.

Of course, then, Arthur became quite the tease. He’d get on Merlin, push his face into the pillow, and dry hump his little arse until they both came, or do things like torment Merlin every night by sleeping tantalizingly naked. Sometimes, he got Merlin to beg for him to just _get it over with already!_ , and other times, Merlin, in a crazed frenzy, wouldn’t wait for Arthur at all and would just pull both their trousers down and get it over with himself. Also very common were the times when Merlin didn’t give in at all, only burying his face in his pillow while gasping and moaning as his body thrust itself into Arthur’s touch.

A stranger would think this was all just a big game for Arthur, just his way of testing how irresistible he really was to another man. Merlin knew better though. He knew that it took Arthur a mountain of self-control to hold back on simply taking Merlin whenever he felt like it, especially since he never had to try to hold back before. What Arthur was doing now was taking their marriage seriously. He was trying his best to allow Merlin to (mostly) be an equal in their bed. When Merlin reflected on all this, it warmed his heart and sent tiny butterflies fluttering in his belly. He didn’t think Arthur could be more endearing.  

Merlin determinedly played his part in the marriage as well. During sex or intense touching, he kept his resolve from their wedding night and no longer fought back, struggled, or tried to run away. Whenever Arthur touched him, Merlin willed himself to allow the touches. Day by day, he slowly retrained his brain to stop perceiving every touch as a threat, as something to shy away from.  

After a few years of this, Merlin found that, shockingly, somewhere down the line, he had started to actually look _forward_ to having sex with his husband. There were nights when, after tons of casual touching and lots of mutual staring, Arthur would finally lead Merlin by the hand up towards their chambers, and Merlin would be surprised to feel a thrill of anticipation shoot through him as he followed Arthur up the steps.

Now, when they made _love,_ he was (almost easily) able to fight fight down the old feelings of shame and panic. Arthur was not only his best friend now, but forever his husband, and married couples did these sort of things. There was nothing to be ashamed of, even if they were both men. He still didn’t believe he was _in_ love with Arthur, but their sex had greatly improved since he drowned out his conflicting feelings.

There were plenty of nights and mornings now where they would roll around together in bed for hours, giggling like little school girls and teasing each other relentlessly until his face hurt from smiling too much. He couldn’t remember when he’d been so genuinely happy.  

It was around this time, when their relationship was the strongest it had ever been, that the two of them, trekking through the woods, found a newborn baby. When they first laid eyes on the child, Merlin and Arthur stopped in their tracks, as if both had suddenly walked into a wall. They just stood there and stupidly oogled the child for a good ten seconds.

She bore a suspiciously close resemblance to both Arthur and himself, but of course Merlin waved it off as coincidence. The child’s skin was soft and milky white. Her eyes were a brilliant blue (Arthur’s exact shade, actually. _Weird.)_ She had short, blonde hair with full, cupid-bow lips (later Arthur would remark, “But Merlin, I swear, she has an exact replica of your lips!”)

The first to break the strange, awed silence was Merlin.

“She’s… beautiful,” he whispered, moving over to pick up the tiny baby girl.

Arthur murmured, just as in awe, “She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

Merlin gave him a look, and he quickly corrected himself. “A-after you, of course, my love.” Arthur cleared his throat rather sheepishly, and if not for the baby in his arms, Merlin would have gone over there and swatted his dorky king.

Arthur crept closer to them and wound his arms around Merlin’s waist, nuzzling into Merlin’s neck and murmuring, “I really do mean it, Merlin. You are the most beautiful thing in my entire universe.”

A grin broke on Merlin’s face, and he blushed. “I know.”

Kissing the child very, very gently on her head, Merlin handed her over so that Arthur could hold her too.

They looked far and wide for the baby’s mother, but after a few months, she was still nowhere to be found. Secretly Merlin was relieved (and he highly suspected Arthur was, too.) They decided to adopt the child as their own, and she was given the name Ygraine, after Arthur’s mother.

The first year was truly horrendous, but they took turns waking up in the middle of the night to tend to her. Just knowing they were both in this together helped a great deal.

Usually, in everyday situations, Arthur would have Merlin doing all the work, but when it came to their daughter, the King would have none of it. He proclaimed that he wanted to be just as big a part of her life as Merlin was, no matter which parts of that life it may be. And so, the husbands took turns doing everything, whether it was feeding, burping, changing, or anything else she might have needed.

When Ygraine became a toddler, she proved to be even more of a handful, giving both men a run for their money. She was really quite exhausting, and they were thankful whenever Merlin’s parents or Gaius offered to watch after her for an afternoon or so.

One day, to Merlin’s dismay, three year old Ygraine’s eyes flashed gold, and she magically swiped the forbidden cookie from the counter, right in front of both him and his husband. Merlin slowly and fearfully turned his head to Arthur to gauge his response, preparing to defend their child at all costs (verbally of course, he knew Arthur would never hurt her), but Arthur was immediately elated, insisting magic “couldn’t be _all_ bad” if their “innocent cute little daughter” possessed it. That’s when Merlin thought, _oh fuck it,_ and promptly revealed his own magic. Arthur, after his initial shock, only pulled Merlin into a wet kiss and grumbled about how he should’ve told him sooner and about how much of an _idiot_ Merlin was to think he had to hide that from _him_ (“I’m your soul mate, for goodness sakes! Remember? You said we were soul mates!”) Looking back, Merlin actually didn’t know why he always thought Arthur would react so badly.

“So… I take it that means you still love me?” Merlin chuffed, nearly giggling.

“Yes, but your execution is still required bright and early tomorrow morning.”

“Ygraine’s too?”  

A couple more years passed (magic was now restored to the land), and Arthur took to taking Ygraine horseback riding. He bought her a beautiful, fuzzy pony with a pelt the exact same shade of her creamy golden hair. Merlin watched proudly as Arthur moved on to teaching their little girl how to swordfight. Merlin did his part in teaching her to hone and perfect her magic, and he taught her all about the different types of spells and herbs.

As Princess Ygraine reached her teenaged years, her prominent cheekbones emerged, along with her tall and very slender figure. She was beautiful, and moved about gracefully. Despite being thoroughly spoiled as a child by absolutely everyone, Ygraine had none of Arthur’s initial prattiness or arrogance. She was a sweet soul, doing everything with an air of grace and gentleness. Quite frankly, she also seemed to be wise beyond her years. The kingdom revered her, and her fathers could not be prouder of the person she had grown to become.  

Decades past.

Albion, under King Arthur’s reign, now knew only continuous peace.

Sometimes, Merlin and Arthur would go up to the roof of the castle and look out over Camelot, holding hands and not saying a word. Merlin would reflect on all they’ve been through together, from the very beginning to the present. He thought about the beautiful, kind daughter they’d raised. He thought about how much he loved Arthur, about his initial struggles before their marriage.

Most of all though, he thought about how he wouldn’t change any of it even if he could.

It isn’t until after Arthur takes his final breath in Merlin’s arms out on the deserted battlefield, many, many years later, that Merlin, screaming his torture up into the sky, realizes he has been an idiot. Because he has always been in love with Arthur Pendragon.

Well over a thousand years go by.

When Merlin finds him again, Arthur is eight years old. Though he longs, more than anything, to approach him, Merlin stops himself. It’s not yet time. He resolves to watching Arthur from afar, waiting yet some more. _Just a little longer._

In this lifetime, Arthur has the privilege of growing up with both parents. Merlin does a double take the first time he sees Ygraine. She reminds him shockingly of his and Arthur’s daughter, in nearly every way possible. With her around, Uther is kind and joyous; a warm man. Merlin has never seen this side of him, and he doubts anyone in Camelot (after Ygraine’s death) has seen it either.

There is something different about Arthur. With kind, doting parents, he too, grows up to become kind. Merlin sees no traces of the Arthur whose eyes had gleamed with a crazed fervor as he tore Merlin’s clothes from his body. No traces of the Arthur who would push him down, have his way with him, and not give two shits about his feelings.

No, this Arthur is noble and kind all around, and Merlin almost wishes he’d been that way in his first life. Almost.

When Arthur is in his first year of university, Merlin decides the time is finally right. They’re alone in the locker rooms, both wearing nothing but towels around their hips. Not saying a thing, Merlin grins and swaggers over. He’s waited so long for this. He is brimming with unconcealed anticipation. At last. This is his-- _their,_ moment.

Merlin at least has the strength to hold back his tears (just barely), and he puts all of his effort into not smiling _too_ hard. He doesn’t want to scare Arthur away before he can even utter a single word.

As far as he can tell, Arthur is straight in this lifetime, like he claimed he was in his past life. The moment Arthur lays eyes on him, however, Merlin sees his cock twitch in his towel. Arthur looks perplexed by his own reaction, and he blushes furiously, but Merlin only walks closer. Merlin moves in so close that their groins nearly press together. Arthur takes a sharp intake of breath, and their faces are mere inches apart. Suddenly, recognition goes off like fireworks in his eyes.  

The fact that Arthur died not knowing was Merlin’s single largest regret, so he makes sure the first words Arthur hears out of his mouth are, “You were right. I’ve always been in love with you.”

There, he has finally said it. With a smirk on his face, he thinks, _It only took a thousand years._

****  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm well aware that the ending was not in any way ideal for some people, as most will have wanted Merlin to leave Arthur, but please keep in mind that this entire fic really was just my personal daydream (one that I wanted to put into words), and while writing it, I was very aware of what I knew the readers would expect/want, but I wanted to write it the way I originally thought it out and I didn't want fear of what others would think to influence it. I also wrote it knowing full-well that it was just a fic. I do NOT condone real rape nor abuse, and no one should take my fic to have any hidden meanings on those subjects. 
> 
> If you have read this all the way through, thank you so much!  
> This is my first real fic and kind comments would be very greatly appreciated! :)


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